That can't be right though.
Can it?
Cancer doesn't just happen. It doesn't just attack the people who've worked hard at being valuable to society all of their lives.
It doesn't happen to me.
Imagine waking up and for that first blink of your eyes, everything's normal...the most that's troubling you is that the only coffee you can get at work tastes bitter and stale. In the next blink you're gagged on that bitter and stale sensation as you remember because you can't just un-know it. It's there, lodged on your mind.
I'm sick. But that's not right. It's Not Fair.
It's Not Fucking fair.
Cancer lurks in cigarettes and endless glasses of beer not in years of doing your best, not in working as hard as you can to try and gain some kind of recognition; not in me. This was never supposed to happen.
Hepatocellular carcinoma. Cancer of the liver. It's a malignant tumour. If they don't perform surgery sooner rather than later it'll spread, well it's already begun to spread. The surgery's serious and even then there's a chance it could come back. This was never supposed to happen.
What am I to tell people? I couldn't stand their sympathetic smiles...I don't want any of that. I want to be better.
I need somebody to talk to. There's only one person.
"Will? What on Earth are you calling me for at this ungodly hour?"
"...."I didn't think this far ahead.
"Will? Helloooo?"
"Caitlyn. Can you come over?"
" What? It's gone two in the morning, has some-"
"Caitlyn, please, can you come over?"
"Okay, of course I can. Just wait there."
"See you."
Oh God.
*********************************************************************************
I chuck off the PJ's I'ved just clambered into and swig down the last of the hot chocolate in my mug. I don the jeans I wore earlier today and tugged on a hoodie which would probably thank me if I gave it a wash. This is my, 'leave me alone, I'm tired' look. Very Vogue right now...
This had better be worth it.
That sounds awful, Will sounded...different on the phone, I hope everything's alright. It will be, of course it will, what am I worrying about? This is silly.
I tug out the plaits on m hair and scrape it all back into a pony tail. Now, where's my handbag? I need chewing gum, and car keys-those could help. Think, where did you last leave it, eh? errmm...under the night gown slung over the left top bed post. Bingo.
Okay, I reckon I'm ready to go.
Hang on...shoes...those could come in handy, now couldn't they? Right...shoes...crap, I've never been very decisive but this is not a good time to sit and consider the pros and cons of trainers versus pumps. In the end, I tug on one of each, that's alright isn't it? It's a risk in fashion progression but maybe I can pull it off and start a new trend, they'll call me, 'Caitlyn: Emporess of Glam.' Yeah.
Doubtful niggles about that prophecy leap to my head when I walk past the mirror on the way out. It's too late to change now.
I hate driving at night anyway but there's fog tonight. All I can see is the car lights bouncing back off the fog; there's about ten foot of vision ahead of me. I'm gonna have to take the corners really slowly.
Was he number 53 or 35? Feck.
Wait, there's his car...lucky bugger, it's gorgeous.
I clamber from the car and once again have doubts about my footwear...it might have been okay if the soles had been the same height but now I had that wobbly walk of a drunk. As I walked toward Will's front door I remembered that the car needed locking, I teetered back to the car, locked it, checked it, and checked it once-just in case and went back to the front door. It opened immediately, he must have been watchinf me through a window, I hate it when he does that.
"Christ, Will, you look terrible."
"Thanks, so do you."
"Sorry, you probably have a point but you didn't really give me a lot of time."
"Just come in."
He turns away from me, leaving the door at an angle and I follow him in, closing the door behind me.
"Caitlyn..."
His voice is thick and gravelly as though he's been crying, his eyes are dark-he hasn't been sleeping.
"Caitlyn, I'm ill."
"What like a cold? Don't worry, I'll help you get better."
"No...it's..look, I'm really ill and I don't know what to-"
His voice breaks off, a crackle as he turns away and catches his breah, I know it must be bad. He down on his sofa, elbows on knees, head in hand and I know it must be really bad when I spot a tear lost in the fabric of his trousers.
"Hey, what's happened, Will?" I walk to him and perch on the arm of the sofa, I pull him close to me, he rests his head on my chest.
"I can head you heart beat, you know."
He sounds so little.
"Will..."my voice trembles in barely more than a whisper, "You're scaring me."
"I'm scaring you, I'm fucking scaring you?!" He tears my arms from around his shoulders with such force that I fall to the floor. He looks taken aback by what he's done but in the next minute he's standing and shouting,
"You're scared?! SCARED? You don't know what it is to be afraid, Caitlyn. I'm sick. I'm...I'm..."
He chokes over those words and crumples onto the carpet beside me.
"I'm terrified."
I crawl a little closer to him and take his hand in mine.
"I'm here for you Will. Whatever happens. In sickness and in health."
"You still want to marry me? Even with me like this?"
"Of course, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Monday, 23 August 2010
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
twenty
Time, time, time. As gentle and harsh as the weather's change of heart. One moment a hug of a breeze, the next, it's a galing storm.
Ten years.
I'd spent ten of my years here starting from the bottom and building my way up. I just got a lucky break, a friend of a friend whose sister knew someone....
Someone to help.
They introduced me to Claude Numlauf, he could make any college drop out a massive success. So many sleepless nights had been devoted to trying to find success my own way. I wanted to make films. I did numerous media courses, I downloaded all of the software I could afford, I bought the best camcorder within my means and I never made it. Nobody wanted what I could offer. My servings of dreams, of inspiration, hope...nobody wanted it. They called my imagination unimaginative, the care and diligence I poured into seconds worth of frames; careless. Nobody wanted what I could offer.
Claude told me as much. He helped me though. He helped me.
I retrained, got a degree in law, found out how boring success could make a person. I guess it's just Karma, get everything you ever dreampt of, money, power, a new car, a big house...and then realise you have no friends.
No real ones anyway. I have 'work-friends' people who gossip about me behind my back and make digs about how tired I've been looking, washed-up. Men who shake my hand on the way through the door each morning, suits pressed, hair slicked. Women who smile seductively wanting a leg up...or over in the company. Yes, I'm surrounded by 'work friends'. The people who don't really have a clue about who I am.
Caitlyn's the only real friend I've ever had, the only person I could be completely honest with, completely myself with. She knew me inside out...I'm not sure I ever understood that expression really, it sounds almost grotesque if you think aobut it too hard. Caitlyn laughed at the way I thought things out like that.
So maybe that's why I didn't want a school reunion.
No, I wasn't lying to Caitlyn, I really am busy. I look to the alarm clock on my bedside table and it confirms the truth, it's 1am and I've only just clocked off really. Sure, the office closes at six but I need to drive an hour home, pick up dinner, go through all of the paperwork left over from the day. There's no time left for personal errands. I'm shattered and sleep evades me.
I can't take an reunion like that though. Hearing about everyone's wife and kids. Their loving families. How they wouldn't change a thing for all of the money in the world. I should have sorted out my own priorities before.
I spend so long, caring about what everyone thinks of me.
So. Much. Time.
Ha, I always imagined what I might be like as a forty year old, some ten years into the future. Would my hair be grey? Would there be wrinkles where once there was my face? I didn't know. I did always take time as a granted though. I thought that one day I'd be eighty and bald, and have a walking stick; I'd complain, 'things just aren't the same as they were in my day.'
Each birthday I've complained about everyone making such a fuss at the office, because, the truth is that I thought, 'what's the point, I have one every single year and will do forever.'
Except, a life isn't for forever, is it?
I took growing old as a certainty, not something I'd necessarily be looking forward to but no one had ever told me the alternative. Nobody had ever just said, 'Look, Will, there are two choices: Grow Old or Die Young.'
I just wish that someone could have told me that.
I'd spent years without a girlfriend to love and be loved by, without keeping in touch with my parents. Without staying in touch with Caitlyn like I'd promised I would. I really was trying more now but that's the problem with grace...it makes life unfair.
There it is again, Karma. The woman I love more than anyone or anything in the world, my best friend, has agreed to love me back until death do us part, but that won't be too long now, will it?
They told me it's cancer.
p.s a thanks from me for your patience and support. i think i can write this again now.
Ten years.
I'd spent ten of my years here starting from the bottom and building my way up. I just got a lucky break, a friend of a friend whose sister knew someone....
Someone to help.
They introduced me to Claude Numlauf, he could make any college drop out a massive success. So many sleepless nights had been devoted to trying to find success my own way. I wanted to make films. I did numerous media courses, I downloaded all of the software I could afford, I bought the best camcorder within my means and I never made it. Nobody wanted what I could offer. My servings of dreams, of inspiration, hope...nobody wanted it. They called my imagination unimaginative, the care and diligence I poured into seconds worth of frames; careless. Nobody wanted what I could offer.
Claude told me as much. He helped me though. He helped me.
I retrained, got a degree in law, found out how boring success could make a person. I guess it's just Karma, get everything you ever dreampt of, money, power, a new car, a big house...and then realise you have no friends.
No real ones anyway. I have 'work-friends' people who gossip about me behind my back and make digs about how tired I've been looking, washed-up. Men who shake my hand on the way through the door each morning, suits pressed, hair slicked. Women who smile seductively wanting a leg up...or over in the company. Yes, I'm surrounded by 'work friends'. The people who don't really have a clue about who I am.
Caitlyn's the only real friend I've ever had, the only person I could be completely honest with, completely myself with. She knew me inside out...I'm not sure I ever understood that expression really, it sounds almost grotesque if you think aobut it too hard. Caitlyn laughed at the way I thought things out like that.
So maybe that's why I didn't want a school reunion.
No, I wasn't lying to Caitlyn, I really am busy. I look to the alarm clock on my bedside table and it confirms the truth, it's 1am and I've only just clocked off really. Sure, the office closes at six but I need to drive an hour home, pick up dinner, go through all of the paperwork left over from the day. There's no time left for personal errands. I'm shattered and sleep evades me.
I can't take an reunion like that though. Hearing about everyone's wife and kids. Their loving families. How they wouldn't change a thing for all of the money in the world. I should have sorted out my own priorities before.
I spend so long, caring about what everyone thinks of me.
So. Much. Time.
Ha, I always imagined what I might be like as a forty year old, some ten years into the future. Would my hair be grey? Would there be wrinkles where once there was my face? I didn't know. I did always take time as a granted though. I thought that one day I'd be eighty and bald, and have a walking stick; I'd complain, 'things just aren't the same as they were in my day.'
Each birthday I've complained about everyone making such a fuss at the office, because, the truth is that I thought, 'what's the point, I have one every single year and will do forever.'
Except, a life isn't for forever, is it?
I took growing old as a certainty, not something I'd necessarily be looking forward to but no one had ever told me the alternative. Nobody had ever just said, 'Look, Will, there are two choices: Grow Old or Die Young.'
I just wish that someone could have told me that.
I'd spent years without a girlfriend to love and be loved by, without keeping in touch with my parents. Without staying in touch with Caitlyn like I'd promised I would. I really was trying more now but that's the problem with grace...it makes life unfair.
There it is again, Karma. The woman I love more than anyone or anything in the world, my best friend, has agreed to love me back until death do us part, but that won't be too long now, will it?
They told me it's cancer.
p.s a thanks from me for your patience and support. i think i can write this again now.
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Hi.
I need to take a break from writing this story. I'm not sure how long I won't be writing for but those of you who know me well will understand why I just can't find the energy to write at the moment. I don't know when Caitlyn's going to liev happily ever after with Will but I'll get around to it.
I'm sorry. I'll write more when I can.
I need to take a break from writing this story. I'm not sure how long I won't be writing for but those of you who know me well will understand why I just can't find the energy to write at the moment. I don't know when Caitlyn's going to liev happily ever after with Will but I'll get around to it.
I'm sorry. I'll write more when I can.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
IS THERE ANY REASON? nineteen
Phone calls,files, photocopies, needy fecking clients that can't give me a moment to pause for breath...it's times like these when I really envy Caitlyn.
I'm thankful for the success I've had but being some "hot shot" lawyer-bloke is darn tiring work. Caitlyn has problems of her own but she has a quiet sort of life which isn't organised into over packed one-hour slots. Sometimes it's as though the very words I say are working at a deadline themselves.
"Mr. Vale?"
"Yes Nicole?" I'd told her a million times that calling me Will was just fine but she insisted on office formalities...ridiculous really when we'd known each other for most of our lives.
"There's a call for you on line three. Apparently it's quite urgent."
Great. Another urgent call; just what I need.
"Okay Nicole, thank you."
Breathe in....2...3...4 and out...2....3...4...5....6..7..8.
And CALM.
"Hello, William Vale, managing director of ValeLaw inc. speaking, how can I help?"
"That's a very proper greeting for an old pal, Will. Well, I say old but I'm still pretty fine right?"
"Caitlyn Morag?"
"The very same! How are you Will?"
"...I was told that this was an urgent phone call..."
"Oh it is; it is. I just wanted to know how my fiance's day was going..."
"Fiance? So, that's a yes then? You'll marry me?"
"Bingo! I know it's not quite the overcome with emotion response you may have been expecting but I figured that I'd left you in the dark for long enough....what has it been, four months since you asked me?"
"Yeah...around about that long..." I was hardly going to tell her that I'd been counting the days since that phone call on the 28th October. "So, you're really serious, you're going to be Mrs. Caitlyn Vale?"
"I will marry you but that's quite an old fashioned way of thinking, wouldn't you say?"
"I don't think I quite follow what you're saying Caitlyn..."
"Oh, I was just toying with the idea that you could maybe take my name...or do a double-barrel type thing; that wouldmake us sound so posh! Just imagine Lord and Lady Morag-Vale."
"I'll tell you what I'm imagining, Vale-Morag. What about that?"
"But it's alphabetical...M before V; it's the rules, I didn't write them!"
"Caitlyn. Never in all of the twenty five years that I've known you, have you ever played by the rules. Any reason for the sudden change of mind? Like wanting your name first because you're childish, petty and insistent on winding me up?"
"Wind you up? Wouldn't dream of it!"
I could hear her stifled giggles over the line.
"Sure."
"Have you thought any more about that reunion party we were talking about?"
Smooth subject change.
"I've thought about it but how can I realistically take time out of business for the sake of a few too many drinks, resulting in embarrassing photos being posted on facebook the next day with a group of people who I haven't seen in more years than I care to remember?"
"It'd be fun, Will. Sometimes it's good to loosen off that double Windsor tied tye of yours and undo those top few buttons. Let go of the office for a little while; you must have a good enough vice in place?"
Oh no, she was pleading with me, absolutely pleading! How could I tell her that it was a preposterous idea?
"I'll try Caitlyn, I'll really try my hardest to make some time."
"Promise?"
"...yes."
"Say it."
"Say what?"
"Tell me 'I promise I will definitely try my hardest to make time for the reunion.' please?"
"I promise that I will definitely try my hardest to make time for the reunion. Happy?"
"Very."
"Are you done squandering away my time now?"
"Uh huh. Bye bye Will!"
"Goodbye Caitlyn."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I sighed to myself, Caitlyn was going to be my wife. Wow. I'm a lucky, lucky man.
But as I sat, reveling in time which I'd made no contingency for, I caught sight of my office clock; the arms waving mockingly back at me. I was going to have to work through lunch, yet again.
I'm thankful for the success I've had but being some "hot shot" lawyer-bloke is darn tiring work. Caitlyn has problems of her own but she has a quiet sort of life which isn't organised into over packed one-hour slots. Sometimes it's as though the very words I say are working at a deadline themselves.
"Mr. Vale?"
"Yes Nicole?" I'd told her a million times that calling me Will was just fine but she insisted on office formalities...ridiculous really when we'd known each other for most of our lives.
"There's a call for you on line three. Apparently it's quite urgent."
Great. Another urgent call; just what I need.
"Okay Nicole, thank you."
Breathe in....2...3...4 and out...2....3...4...5....6..7..8.
And CALM.
"Hello, William Vale, managing director of ValeLaw inc. speaking, how can I help?"
"That's a very proper greeting for an old pal, Will. Well, I say old but I'm still pretty fine right?"
"Caitlyn Morag?"
"The very same! How are you Will?"
"...I was told that this was an urgent phone call..."
"Oh it is; it is. I just wanted to know how my fiance's day was going..."
"Fiance? So, that's a yes then? You'll marry me?"
"Bingo! I know it's not quite the overcome with emotion response you may have been expecting but I figured that I'd left you in the dark for long enough....what has it been, four months since you asked me?"
"Yeah...around about that long..." I was hardly going to tell her that I'd been counting the days since that phone call on the 28th October. "So, you're really serious, you're going to be Mrs. Caitlyn Vale?"
"I will marry you but that's quite an old fashioned way of thinking, wouldn't you say?"
"I don't think I quite follow what you're saying Caitlyn..."
"Oh, I was just toying with the idea that you could maybe take my name...or do a double-barrel type thing; that wouldmake us sound so posh! Just imagine Lord and Lady Morag-Vale."
"I'll tell you what I'm imagining, Vale-Morag. What about that?"
"But it's alphabetical...M before V; it's the rules, I didn't write them!"
"Caitlyn. Never in all of the twenty five years that I've known you, have you ever played by the rules. Any reason for the sudden change of mind? Like wanting your name first because you're childish, petty and insistent on winding me up?"
"Wind you up? Wouldn't dream of it!"
I could hear her stifled giggles over the line.
"Sure."
"Have you thought any more about that reunion party we were talking about?"
Smooth subject change.
"I've thought about it but how can I realistically take time out of business for the sake of a few too many drinks, resulting in embarrassing photos being posted on facebook the next day with a group of people who I haven't seen in more years than I care to remember?"
"It'd be fun, Will. Sometimes it's good to loosen off that double Windsor tied tye of yours and undo those top few buttons. Let go of the office for a little while; you must have a good enough vice in place?"
Oh no, she was pleading with me, absolutely pleading! How could I tell her that it was a preposterous idea?
"I'll try Caitlyn, I'll really try my hardest to make some time."
"Promise?"
"...yes."
"Say it."
"Say what?"
"Tell me 'I promise I will definitely try my hardest to make time for the reunion.' please?"
"I promise that I will definitely try my hardest to make time for the reunion. Happy?"
"Very."
"Are you done squandering away my time now?"
"Uh huh. Bye bye Will!"
"Goodbye Caitlyn."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I sighed to myself, Caitlyn was going to be my wife. Wow. I'm a lucky, lucky man.
But as I sat, reveling in time which I'd made no contingency for, I caught sight of my office clock; the arms waving mockingly back at me. I was going to have to work through lunch, yet again.
Monday, 15 February 2010
DOES IT MATTER?! eighteen
"Will, do you fancy coming inside and watching a movie with me?"
"I love how you say exactly what you mean without blundering on about coffee."
"So that's a yes?"
"It'd be a pretty boring Sunday without some company I suppose. Can I be Frank?"
"As long as I can be Jim."
He grinned as I inwardly cringed at my own stupidity.
"Most Sundays, I find myself...alone...bored; wishing I was elsewhere, anywhere. Does that sound idiotic to you?"
"Actually, no. It sounds oddly familiar."
So I let Will in and showed him to my vast case of blue ray discs, DVDs and even a few VHS's which I'd held onto more for memory's sake than anything else.
"The Love Bug?"
"Hey! Don't critique my love for old films, this is a 1968 classic from the Herbie series and Lindsay Lohan in Herbie Fully Loaded has nothing on it!"
"Okay-okay, don't shoot me for having better movie taste than you."
I just raised an eyebrow at that insolence.
"Come on Will, hurry up and pick a movie."
"Go make a cup of tea in the kitchen where you belong and I'll pick the film in my own sweet time."
"William Vale. You sexist pig."
I can never manage to keep a straight face. I really wanted him to think that I was pissed off at him. Doesn't quite have the same effect if you burst into sniggers when you're trying to storm out.
I opened the cupboard and reached for the PG tips and the sugar before grabbing the milk from it's snug in the fridge. I should have put the kettle on first because now I was going to have to watch and wait for it to boil...and a watched pot never boils, you know?
"Wiii-iiiill?" I called from the kitchen.
"Yeeee-sss?" He bellowed back.
"How are things going at work?" My tone was a little less childish now. Just a little. Growing up's for when you're thirty...I've got three more years yet.
"Er, they're going pretty good thanks. I think I'm going to have to hire a new assissant though."
"Oh?" Keep you voice calm, Caitlyn. "So, are you, firing Nicole?" *hold breath*
"No, no, Nicole's great-"
I bet she is.
"but I think she needs an assistant, she hasn't been able to do much overtime lately..."
What a pity.
"...not since she got married."
"Married?"
"Well, I'm not sure what you'd call her, she had one of those civil partnership ceremony things last month."
"Aren't civil partnerships just for gay and lesbian couples though?"
"Yes. If they weren't, I'm not sure what Nicole and Christina would be doing getting one."
"Christina?"
"Yeah, Christina Cookson. Nicole met her at a concert about a year and half ago, sparks flew and the rest is history, I suppose."
Wow. Nicole's a lesbian. Now, I was not expecting to hear that. I feel so guilty about everything I've said to her now, she was never trying to get to Will...she really was just being friendly. I have no bias against her now so I can really see how selfless and helpful she was to Will when he was working on setting up his law firm and what about all throughout secondary school? I thought that she looked down on us, "outsiders" who weren't gifted and talented and perfect in every way. I guess that she knew better than most people what it was like to not be accepted though. I can't imagine what it must have been like to try and constantly keep such a big thing hidden from everybody...
"Will, Will, Will?"
"Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn...that's not as easy to do with your name..."
"Could we maybe meet up with Nicole sometime? Infact, could we host a little school reunion? Just with our mates though...none of the jerks?"
I poured the hot water into the two mugs before me, wiggling the tea-bag around with the little spoon, counted the sugar scoops into the steaming liquid and poured in some milk before taking them out for Will and I.
"Caitlyn, that just sounds like another teen whim." He sighed. I sighed. "I'm not saying it's a bad idea; it's a great idea but how viable is it really? My company have just got a big client who we need to keep happy and that's taking up a lot of my time and you said that you're looking into getting a new job. How are we going to find the time to organise and throw a massive party?"
"...nothing worthwhile is ever easy and when you don't have the time; you make time."
"Don't look so glum, I'll get Nicole to go through my diary and maybe I'll have some day free."
"Thanks Will."
"Right, so The Love Bug's a good film you say? Well, let's see about that."He tossed me the DVD and I set it up.
This was turning out to be an okay kind of day.
"I love how you say exactly what you mean without blundering on about coffee."
"So that's a yes?"
"It'd be a pretty boring Sunday without some company I suppose. Can I be Frank?"
"As long as I can be Jim."
He grinned as I inwardly cringed at my own stupidity.
"Most Sundays, I find myself...alone...bored; wishing I was elsewhere, anywhere. Does that sound idiotic to you?"
"Actually, no. It sounds oddly familiar."
So I let Will in and showed him to my vast case of blue ray discs, DVDs and even a few VHS's which I'd held onto more for memory's sake than anything else.
"The Love Bug?"
"Hey! Don't critique my love for old films, this is a 1968 classic from the Herbie series and Lindsay Lohan in Herbie Fully Loaded has nothing on it!"
"Okay-okay, don't shoot me for having better movie taste than you."
I just raised an eyebrow at that insolence.
"Come on Will, hurry up and pick a movie."
"Go make a cup of tea in the kitchen where you belong and I'll pick the film in my own sweet time."
"William Vale. You sexist pig."
I can never manage to keep a straight face. I really wanted him to think that I was pissed off at him. Doesn't quite have the same effect if you burst into sniggers when you're trying to storm out.
I opened the cupboard and reached for the PG tips and the sugar before grabbing the milk from it's snug in the fridge. I should have put the kettle on first because now I was going to have to watch and wait for it to boil...and a watched pot never boils, you know?
"Wiii-iiiill?" I called from the kitchen.
"Yeeee-sss?" He bellowed back.
"How are things going at work?" My tone was a little less childish now. Just a little. Growing up's for when you're thirty...I've got three more years yet.
"Er, they're going pretty good thanks. I think I'm going to have to hire a new assissant though."
"Oh?" Keep you voice calm, Caitlyn. "So, are you, firing Nicole?" *hold breath*
"No, no, Nicole's great-"
I bet she is.
"but I think she needs an assistant, she hasn't been able to do much overtime lately..."
What a pity.
"...not since she got married."
"Married?"
"Well, I'm not sure what you'd call her, she had one of those civil partnership ceremony things last month."
"Aren't civil partnerships just for gay and lesbian couples though?"
"Yes. If they weren't, I'm not sure what Nicole and Christina would be doing getting one."
"Christina?"
"Yeah, Christina Cookson. Nicole met her at a concert about a year and half ago, sparks flew and the rest is history, I suppose."
Wow. Nicole's a lesbian. Now, I was not expecting to hear that. I feel so guilty about everything I've said to her now, she was never trying to get to Will...she really was just being friendly. I have no bias against her now so I can really see how selfless and helpful she was to Will when he was working on setting up his law firm and what about all throughout secondary school? I thought that she looked down on us, "outsiders" who weren't gifted and talented and perfect in every way. I guess that she knew better than most people what it was like to not be accepted though. I can't imagine what it must have been like to try and constantly keep such a big thing hidden from everybody...
"Will, Will, Will?"
"Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn...that's not as easy to do with your name..."
"Could we maybe meet up with Nicole sometime? Infact, could we host a little school reunion? Just with our mates though...none of the jerks?"
I poured the hot water into the two mugs before me, wiggling the tea-bag around with the little spoon, counted the sugar scoops into the steaming liquid and poured in some milk before taking them out for Will and I.
"Caitlyn, that just sounds like another teen whim." He sighed. I sighed. "I'm not saying it's a bad idea; it's a great idea but how viable is it really? My company have just got a big client who we need to keep happy and that's taking up a lot of my time and you said that you're looking into getting a new job. How are we going to find the time to organise and throw a massive party?"
"...nothing worthwhile is ever easy and when you don't have the time; you make time."
"Don't look so glum, I'll get Nicole to go through my diary and maybe I'll have some day free."
"Thanks Will."
"Right, so The Love Bug's a good film you say? Well, let's see about that."He tossed me the DVD and I set it up.
This was turning out to be an okay kind of day.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
TANGLED TEARS seventeen
"Blooming heck, Will...I knew your business was going well but...nice wheels." Then I did something really quite cheesy and wish now that I hadn't...I whistled; at a car. Smooth.
"Yeah, why have money and not spend it? My mum used to tell me that we're too poor to buy bad quality and you can't get a whole lot better quality than a Chrysler Crossfire."
I suppose he was right there, and it struck me that my own mum used to say the very same thing. I couldn't help but feel just a tad under dressed as Will, clad in expensively cut finery opened the door to his gorgeous car to let me in. Against the smooth Italian leather of the seats, my River Island jeans were practically screeching high street bargain but as always, Will made me feel as though I belonged. He turned on the stereo, chose you give love a bad name by BonJovi and sang along with me as I belted out the anthem of our youth.
As the song came to an end rain began to drizzle down the window that I was now resting my head against as we drove along. We were getting closer to our destination and the pathetic fallacy of the miserable surge of rain really was just that - pathetic. Although this wound me up it made me more grateful for Will's presence.
We weren't really talking to each other much but it was far from awkward, only the best of friends can share a comfortable silence and if not anything more than that at this moment in time Will was certainly my best friend; better than I could have hoped for growing up when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He never minded if the clumpy mascara and thick liquid liner which I was so fond of in my teen years was washed onto his shirt in a blend of salty tears. Not even if his shirt was new. I'd feel stupid afterwards but Will never made me feel as though anything that went wrong was ever my fault...all the same, he, along with everyone else, hasn't seen my cry in some twelve years now. However, as with each of these visits to my parents, the threat of being overcome with tears became ever more apparent.
The car hummed to a gentle stop in the small space put aside for parking and Will hurried to reach the other side of the car before I was able to assert my independence and open the door for myself; usually a sweet gesture but Will knew that it would teasingly get my back up. I smiled at him weakly. I appreciated his efforts to keep me smiling throughout all of this but as the heavy rain continued to fall it only emphasised the inevitability of my demise upon this day.
Will took my hand as I stumbled gracefully *ahem* over a loose cobble that stuck up from the path claiming its individuality for being different and led me to the left, across the grass. I'd been here so many times before but somehow it was just as disorientating as the first and again I found myself being so damn glad the Will was a crutch that would willingly bear my weight. Each stone looked the same until I spied the orchids I'd laid down upon my last visit here just one week ago.
I cleared away the old flowers from my parents' graves and placed down the fresh ones I'd bought the day before. How I wished I'd have been this attentive to them whilst they were here to benefit from it. I kneeled before the two marble stones and drooped my head forwards; inclined towards the dying flowers which I'd just moved away. I felt so little and helpless and I began to fiddle with the hem of my t-shirt just as I had when I was a small child.
"Hey Mum, hi Dad. I'm gonna get a new job Mum. You told me to do something that I enjoy before something I'm good at until recently, I'd forgotten that. I don't really know what yet but I promise I'll make you proud." I was whispering by the end, a shiver knocking a quiver through my voice as a breeze that had all the mercy of a juggernaut shrieked by. I thought that it would have been a bit warmer. I wish I'd have brought I jacket.
As though Will was once again taking the liberty to read the processes in my mind, he took off his own coat and draped it around my goose-bumped arms. I smiled a thank you and then continued,
"I gave up smoking Dad, just like you wanted me to; I haven't had a cigarette in two months now. You were right, my skin does feel better now." I smiled at the unimportant tone of conversation. I never had much to tell them but it was my duty to make sure that they were okay.
I kissed each marble headstone and felt the cold, biting chill against my lips before I stood up and turned to Will.
I didn't trip this time but my legs felt as though they may buckle beneath me so I took Will's hand in my own, clinging onto his strength in place of my own. I was not going to cry. I bit my lip as I got closer to the car again and blinked hard. I was not going to cry. I sat in the car and closed my eyes, forehead against the cool window. I was not going to cry. Will got into the other side of the car and squeezed my hand before whispering,
"You don't always have to be so brave Caitlyn."
I know, I thought and gazed at him with tear-soaked eyes, I know. One lone globule of salty water wound its way down my cheek before Will caught it with his free hand.
"Yeah, why have money and not spend it? My mum used to tell me that we're too poor to buy bad quality and you can't get a whole lot better quality than a Chrysler Crossfire."
I suppose he was right there, and it struck me that my own mum used to say the very same thing. I couldn't help but feel just a tad under dressed as Will, clad in expensively cut finery opened the door to his gorgeous car to let me in. Against the smooth Italian leather of the seats, my River Island jeans were practically screeching high street bargain but as always, Will made me feel as though I belonged. He turned on the stereo, chose you give love a bad name by BonJovi and sang along with me as I belted out the anthem of our youth.
As the song came to an end rain began to drizzle down the window that I was now resting my head against as we drove along. We were getting closer to our destination and the pathetic fallacy of the miserable surge of rain really was just that - pathetic. Although this wound me up it made me more grateful for Will's presence.
We weren't really talking to each other much but it was far from awkward, only the best of friends can share a comfortable silence and if not anything more than that at this moment in time Will was certainly my best friend; better than I could have hoped for growing up when I needed a shoulder to cry on. He never minded if the clumpy mascara and thick liquid liner which I was so fond of in my teen years was washed onto his shirt in a blend of salty tears. Not even if his shirt was new. I'd feel stupid afterwards but Will never made me feel as though anything that went wrong was ever my fault...all the same, he, along with everyone else, hasn't seen my cry in some twelve years now. However, as with each of these visits to my parents, the threat of being overcome with tears became ever more apparent.
The car hummed to a gentle stop in the small space put aside for parking and Will hurried to reach the other side of the car before I was able to assert my independence and open the door for myself; usually a sweet gesture but Will knew that it would teasingly get my back up. I smiled at him weakly. I appreciated his efforts to keep me smiling throughout all of this but as the heavy rain continued to fall it only emphasised the inevitability of my demise upon this day.
Will took my hand as I stumbled gracefully *ahem* over a loose cobble that stuck up from the path claiming its individuality for being different and led me to the left, across the grass. I'd been here so many times before but somehow it was just as disorientating as the first and again I found myself being so damn glad the Will was a crutch that would willingly bear my weight. Each stone looked the same until I spied the orchids I'd laid down upon my last visit here just one week ago.
I cleared away the old flowers from my parents' graves and placed down the fresh ones I'd bought the day before. How I wished I'd have been this attentive to them whilst they were here to benefit from it. I kneeled before the two marble stones and drooped my head forwards; inclined towards the dying flowers which I'd just moved away. I felt so little and helpless and I began to fiddle with the hem of my t-shirt just as I had when I was a small child.
"Hey Mum, hi Dad. I'm gonna get a new job Mum. You told me to do something that I enjoy before something I'm good at until recently, I'd forgotten that. I don't really know what yet but I promise I'll make you proud." I was whispering by the end, a shiver knocking a quiver through my voice as a breeze that had all the mercy of a juggernaut shrieked by. I thought that it would have been a bit warmer. I wish I'd have brought I jacket.
As though Will was once again taking the liberty to read the processes in my mind, he took off his own coat and draped it around my goose-bumped arms. I smiled a thank you and then continued,
"I gave up smoking Dad, just like you wanted me to; I haven't had a cigarette in two months now. You were right, my skin does feel better now." I smiled at the unimportant tone of conversation. I never had much to tell them but it was my duty to make sure that they were okay.
I kissed each marble headstone and felt the cold, biting chill against my lips before I stood up and turned to Will.
I didn't trip this time but my legs felt as though they may buckle beneath me so I took Will's hand in my own, clinging onto his strength in place of my own. I was not going to cry. I bit my lip as I got closer to the car again and blinked hard. I was not going to cry. I sat in the car and closed my eyes, forehead against the cool window. I was not going to cry. Will got into the other side of the car and squeezed my hand before whispering,
"You don't always have to be so brave Caitlyn."
I know, I thought and gazed at him with tear-soaked eyes, I know. One lone globule of salty water wound its way down my cheek before Will caught it with his free hand.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
LOST IN PLACE seventeen
Oh great. I've forced myself out of bed early this morning...well reasonably early. Well, before midday anyway but it's just left me with more time to worry about what's actually going to come of today. I can't even remember whether or not Will's picking me up. I've spent the past hour making more cups of tea than I'll ever be able to drink just for the stirring so as my hands aren't left up to their own devices..."Devil makes work for idle hands" 'n' all that lark. What if I've done so with no real purpose and Will isn't coming? Oh god, did I say that I was going to pick him up? Oh feck. It's been months since I've had the foresight to fill up the tank in my car. According to the ancient fuel guage I've been running on empty for the past week... I would say that it's an appropriate metaphore for my life really...but everyone knows how I do so hate to state the obvious. There are birds chirruping in the trees outside of my window. Any other day and I may have been able to appreciate there cheerful chorus; sung seemingly just for me. Today? Nah, today it feels as though they're really rubbing their "Bright-eyed, feathery-tailed-ness" in my face. Okay...even I can recognise that my jealousy of a bunch of beady-eyed squawking fools is a little irrational but Will isn't here yet and I can't begin to think when he's going to arrive...if he's coming-that is. I'm just going in circles here aren't I?
I might just go and make another cup of tea...
NO. Geez, Caitlyn, will you just breathe for a second, eh? You're going to see your best friend for the first time in just under a year, isn't this a good thing?
I suppose but it's more the setting that's bothering me. Won't he feel mighty uncomfortable under the circumstances?
...Do you honestly think I've got a better idea on this than you have?
Just shut up then.
THERE! The door bell, happy now?
Happy? No! Far fecking from it. I rush from my perch upon the edge of my seat in kitchen where I've been anticipating this moment for far too long. I catch sight of myself in the hall mirror as I head towards the front door and wish that I wouldn't have gone for the ridiculous au natural-look that's just so Vogue right now since looking half asleep and a little zombie-esque doesn't quite hold with it the same chic as the magazines promise. My trembling fingers snatch at fly-away strands of hair and tuck them back behind my ears and then move themselves down to my waist to tug my t-shirt down over the belt of my jeans.
Breathe in cool, calm, composed and breathe out fret, fear, frustration.
Right, what are you going to say? Hi. Hey...Hey, Will...Hey there....Sup?
"Sup?! Yeh boi!!"
"Er...Caitlyn? Your door isn't sound proof you know?"
Crap.
I opened the door and grinned up to meet Will's crooked smile.
"...hi Will."
"'Sup?! Yeh boi'?"
He reaeated my words incredulously and I think he was trying to arch an eyebrow up at me inquistively but underneath his raggedy fringe it was hard to tell.
"Yes? I'm just...keeping it real...being 'down wit da kids'."
Will held my gaze and sighed at my 'too cool for school' pretence; silently tutting his lack of approval at me.
"Shut up, Will!" I gave him a gentle nudge and stepped out of the door, shutting it gently behind me.
"So, what are you wheels like then?"
Then I saw his car. Wow.
Happy? No! Far fecking from it. I rush from my perch upon the edge of my seat in kitchen where I've been anticipating this moment for far too long. I catch sight of myself in the hall mirror as I head towards the front door and wish that I wouldn't have gone for the ridiculous au natural-look that's just so Vogue right now since looking half asleep and a little zombie-esque doesn't quite hold with it the same chic as the magazines promise. My trembling fingers snatch at fly-away strands of hair and tuck them back behind my ears and then move themselves down to my waist to tug my t-shirt down over the belt of my jeans.
Breathe in cool, calm, composed and breathe out fret, fear, frustration.
Right, what are you going to say? Hi. Hey...Hey, Will...Hey there....Sup?
"Sup?! Yeh boi!!"
"Er...Caitlyn? Your door isn't sound proof you know?"
Crap.
I opened the door and grinned up to meet Will's crooked smile.
"...hi Will."
"'Sup?! Yeh boi'?"
He reaeated my words incredulously and I think he was trying to arch an eyebrow up at me inquistively but underneath his raggedy fringe it was hard to tell.
"Yes? I'm just...keeping it real...being 'down wit da kids'."
Will held my gaze and sighed at my 'too cool for school' pretence; silently tutting his lack of approval at me.
"Shut up, Will!" I gave him a gentle nudge and stepped out of the door, shutting it gently behind me.
"So, what are you wheels like then?"
Then I saw his car. Wow.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
SPLINTERED DARTS TO THE HEART sixteen
O...K...
Am I allowed to say that my heart stopped still for just a second and that the world ceased to turn momentarily and all of the other clichés related to events like this?!
I put the receiver onto the mattress and then with my newly-freed hand I pinch my other arm. Ow. No one told me how much that hurt! I am certainly awake though, I didn't by some miracle drift away into the safety of sleep...as if I could. I flex the now trembling fingers of my right hand and shake out the quivers before attempting to pick up the reciever again.
"Will..." Damn the figurative cat that's caught my tongue.
"Hiya Caitlyn, I'm sorry to wake you but-"
"Oh..erm...you didn't wake me; it's fine."
"It's seventeen minutes past four in the morning, what have been doing to keep you up all this time then?"
The edge to his tone curled with the suggestion that I'd been up to no good. He hasn't changed.
"I could ask you the same question, Mister, but knowing you...I'm not sure I'd care to here your answer..."
He gave just a taste of that low, rumbling chuckle of his which I adored so greatly.
"Fine...but really, I've never known you to lose your sleep over something that's not a big deal, honestly, what's wrong?"
"Hmm, sometimes I regret letting you know me so well. I don't know Will. It's nothing and...everything, I just don't know. I used to feel so sure of what I wanted to do and how I to choose to live my life; I used to know who I was. Now, I can look at the mirror and feel no recogntion for the stranger gaping back at me and each day she looks older and more tired; hagard even.
I broke off for a moment and cleared my throat, recovering from the breathlessness that my rant had conjured up within me.
"Haha, Will, what must I sound like, eh? I bet you didn't call up expecting a counselling session to be on your hands like this. Anyway, what are calling me up for at 4am?!" The feigned light-heartedness of my voice sounded as empty as the box of tissues when you really need to sneeze; even to me.
Will knows not to push it when I don't want to talk though.
"Er...well, it's just that...er, I was playing a game earlier tonight; trying to name all of the states in America and there's a couple that I can't for the life of me remember."
We both knew what it was that he was dowsey-dowing away from...the little matter of marriage."
" Aw Will, don't be so silly," I came close to getting serious, "...You know I'm no good at Geography." I was close but I'm not all that keen on smoking so no cigar. I could have kicked myself if I hadn't been lying down rather comfortably.
"Come on Caitlyn." It sounded as though he was pleading with me for a lot more than just the name of a state or two.
" Do you have Nebraska? Or Tenessee?"
"Yeah, I have those but don't worry, maybe it'll work itself it?"
He definitely wasn't talking about states any more...that was one thing I knew.
I sighed audibly down the phone, "Will-"
He interrupted, "Caitlyn, can I see you? Dinner? Or what about lunch, or even coffee and that's not even a date; unless you want it to be..."
He trailed off sounding as though embarrassment didn't even come close to how he was feeling right now. The naivety of believing that Will hadn't changed struck me. I'd known him as a hard-faced, shameless young man...he was never embarrassed, not even when he should have been. Like that time he went skinny-dipping at night, forgetting where he'd put his clothes. He was fifteen. Of course, he grinned and bared the ice cold wind that winter in Britain treats you to...as well as baring everything else. No, embarrassed didn't begin to come close to how he sounded at all.
"I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow."
"Do you me to come with you?"
"Actually, yeah, I could really use the company, thanks Will."
Gradually, seeing my parents had become harder and somehow more awkward than ever before. Having somebody with me who I could really talk to might make a nice change.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow then Caitlyn?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then, bye Will."
"Love you, Caitlyn."
"...I love you too."
As the call disconnected, I knew I mean it; I did love Will.
God, I asked for a miracle and whether it's just a coincidence or plain good luck...or You...well, thanks. Yeah, thank you, that was...decent.
Am I allowed to say that my heart stopped still for just a second and that the world ceased to turn momentarily and all of the other clichés related to events like this?!
I put the receiver onto the mattress and then with my newly-freed hand I pinch my other arm. Ow. No one told me how much that hurt! I am certainly awake though, I didn't by some miracle drift away into the safety of sleep...as if I could. I flex the now trembling fingers of my right hand and shake out the quivers before attempting to pick up the reciever again.
"Will..." Damn the figurative cat that's caught my tongue.
"Hiya Caitlyn, I'm sorry to wake you but-"
"Oh..erm...you didn't wake me; it's fine."
"It's seventeen minutes past four in the morning, what have been doing to keep you up all this time then?"
The edge to his tone curled with the suggestion that I'd been up to no good. He hasn't changed.
"I could ask you the same question, Mister, but knowing you...I'm not sure I'd care to here your answer..."
He gave just a taste of that low, rumbling chuckle of his which I adored so greatly.
"Fine...but really, I've never known you to lose your sleep over something that's not a big deal, honestly, what's wrong?"
"Hmm, sometimes I regret letting you know me so well. I don't know Will. It's nothing and...everything, I just don't know. I used to feel so sure of what I wanted to do and how I to choose to live my life; I used to know who I was. Now, I can look at the mirror and feel no recogntion for the stranger gaping back at me and each day she looks older and more tired; hagard even.
I broke off for a moment and cleared my throat, recovering from the breathlessness that my rant had conjured up within me.
"Haha, Will, what must I sound like, eh? I bet you didn't call up expecting a counselling session to be on your hands like this. Anyway, what are calling me up for at 4am?!" The feigned light-heartedness of my voice sounded as empty as the box of tissues when you really need to sneeze; even to me.
Will knows not to push it when I don't want to talk though.
"Er...well, it's just that...er, I was playing a game earlier tonight; trying to name all of the states in America and there's a couple that I can't for the life of me remember."
We both knew what it was that he was dowsey-dowing away from...the little matter of marriage."
" Aw Will, don't be so silly," I came close to getting serious, "...You know I'm no good at Geography." I was close but I'm not all that keen on smoking so no cigar. I could have kicked myself if I hadn't been lying down rather comfortably.
"Come on Caitlyn." It sounded as though he was pleading with me for a lot more than just the name of a state or two.
" Do you have Nebraska? Or Tenessee?"
"Yeah, I have those but don't worry, maybe it'll work itself it?"
He definitely wasn't talking about states any more...that was one thing I knew.
I sighed audibly down the phone, "Will-"
He interrupted, "Caitlyn, can I see you? Dinner? Or what about lunch, or even coffee and that's not even a date; unless you want it to be..."
He trailed off sounding as though embarrassment didn't even come close to how he was feeling right now. The naivety of believing that Will hadn't changed struck me. I'd known him as a hard-faced, shameless young man...he was never embarrassed, not even when he should have been. Like that time he went skinny-dipping at night, forgetting where he'd put his clothes. He was fifteen. Of course, he grinned and bared the ice cold wind that winter in Britain treats you to...as well as baring everything else. No, embarrassed didn't begin to come close to how he sounded at all.
"I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow."
"Do you me to come with you?"
"Actually, yeah, I could really use the company, thanks Will."
Gradually, seeing my parents had become harder and somehow more awkward than ever before. Having somebody with me who I could really talk to might make a nice change.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow then Caitlyn?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then, bye Will."
"Love you, Caitlyn."
"...I love you too."
As the call disconnected, I knew I mean it; I did love Will.
God, I asked for a miracle and whether it's just a coincidence or plain good luck...or You...well, thanks. Yeah, thank you, that was...decent.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
TORTURED INTENTIONS fifteen
(note from author: Last part of story was removed under unforeseen circumstances, edits have been made and shall be re posted at a later date. The continuation of this story will make sense with or without the last piece, however, re-reading CAN'T BUY SALVATION when it makes it's next appearance is advisable. love you as always. thanks.)
Edith dropped her bags and pulled at her hair, admitting defeat. She would not be taking the bus to work today after all. With her car refusing to start, the vindictive bus driver leaving her in the rain and her purse being far too empty to afford train fair; she trudged home and called in sick to work. She may not have been ill but another morning of staring vacantly at the telly screen as Jeremy Kyle ranted at another bout of guests made her feel sick of the life that she had. Edith wrote a list to affirm some short term goals, which upon accomplishing would make her existence a little more worthwhile.
1. Invest in an alarm clock...and decent shoes to run in.
2. Eat breakfast.
3. Do yoga.
4. Devote life to charity work...perhaps meet the queen and get an OBE for it...
5.
She stopped at number five. The lead in her pencil had snapped. The fifth item was mentally added to the list: buy a pencil sharpener...and don't lose it.
She heaved the Argos catalogue out from beneath the sofa where the long-forgotten gym equipment lived and was about to trawl through it in search of the perfect alarm clock. Then she realised that the guests on Jeremy Kyle's talk show were growing rather, entertainingly irate and opted instead to settle down with her cup of coffee and chocolate biscuits...the ones with caramel that she liked. The alarm clock could always wait; besides, her purse was far too empty to fund her fleeting fancies right now.
Caityln closed the book, marking her page with a discarded coaster...discarded for its ancient hot chocolate stain of initiation into her house, almost like a birth mark. She sighed, immersing herself in a wave of self pity; building and crashing more often now than she'd felt in quite a while. For the 8th night that week...hang on she pondered to herself...the first day of a new week, she'd found herself absorbed in a fiction book in place of the absence of her own dreams. Whenever Caitlyn's urge to evade the everyday of her own monotonous reality was particularly strong she would fall victim of her own psyche, strangled by a lack of sleep; sleep that helped her to forget her troubles. Tonight, Edith's hectic troubles weren't enough to keep her mind from stumbling back into the cold light of verity. She was drenched in the light, her skin prickling with the uncomfortable thought that she had been forgetting something.
Hattie.
It had been over two months, more than two months since Caitlyn had appealed to Hattie's better nature for a helping hand with her Will situation. She hadn't heard back from her. Who could possibly find themselves too busy to reply to a tiny email like that?
Hattie was so sweet; she and Caitlyn had been "close as thumb tacks" as Caitlyn's mum used to say. She always stood by Caitlyn's side, even when the others laughed. Maybe I should have been there for her when she needed me, instead of expecting her support when suddenly I find myself in a slight predicament. Another sigh swept over Caitlyn. Her gaze fell from the swirling, textured plaster of her ceiling and over to her bed side table where the photograph of her parents smiled back at her. I wish I'd have asked you for help when I had the chance, Mum and Dad. Although no one was around to see her, Caitlyn cursed at herself under her breath when the embarrassing threat of tears announced itself. She tugged the duvet over her head, pressing it tightly across her mouth. Oh god. She searched for the right thing to say, an appropiate question or plea, hoping that just maybe tonight would be the night that God might answer her prayers. All she wanted was to not be alone anymore.
As though calling her name the phone began to ring, it stirred her from the slumber she'd inevitably fallen in to.
"Hello?"
"..." A man cleared his throat, "Hi..it's Will."
Will.
Edith dropped her bags and pulled at her hair, admitting defeat. She would not be taking the bus to work today after all. With her car refusing to start, the vindictive bus driver leaving her in the rain and her purse being far too empty to afford train fair; she trudged home and called in sick to work. She may not have been ill but another morning of staring vacantly at the telly screen as Jeremy Kyle ranted at another bout of guests made her feel sick of the life that she had. Edith wrote a list to affirm some short term goals, which upon accomplishing would make her existence a little more worthwhile.
1. Invest in an alarm clock...and decent shoes to run in.
2. Eat breakfast.
3. Do yoga.
4. Devote life to charity work...perhaps meet the queen and get an OBE for it...
5.
She stopped at number five. The lead in her pencil had snapped. The fifth item was mentally added to the list: buy a pencil sharpener...and don't lose it.
She heaved the Argos catalogue out from beneath the sofa where the long-forgotten gym equipment lived and was about to trawl through it in search of the perfect alarm clock. Then she realised that the guests on Jeremy Kyle's talk show were growing rather, entertainingly irate and opted instead to settle down with her cup of coffee and chocolate biscuits...the ones with caramel that she liked. The alarm clock could always wait; besides, her purse was far too empty to fund her fleeting fancies right now.
Caityln closed the book, marking her page with a discarded coaster...discarded for its ancient hot chocolate stain of initiation into her house, almost like a birth mark. She sighed, immersing herself in a wave of self pity; building and crashing more often now than she'd felt in quite a while. For the 8th night that week...hang on she pondered to herself...the first day of a new week, she'd found herself absorbed in a fiction book in place of the absence of her own dreams. Whenever Caitlyn's urge to evade the everyday of her own monotonous reality was particularly strong she would fall victim of her own psyche, strangled by a lack of sleep; sleep that helped her to forget her troubles. Tonight, Edith's hectic troubles weren't enough to keep her mind from stumbling back into the cold light of verity. She was drenched in the light, her skin prickling with the uncomfortable thought that she had been forgetting something.
Hattie.
It had been over two months, more than two months since Caitlyn had appealed to Hattie's better nature for a helping hand with her Will situation. She hadn't heard back from her. Who could possibly find themselves too busy to reply to a tiny email like that?
Hattie was so sweet; she and Caitlyn had been "close as thumb tacks" as Caitlyn's mum used to say. She always stood by Caitlyn's side, even when the others laughed. Maybe I should have been there for her when she needed me, instead of expecting her support when suddenly I find myself in a slight predicament. Another sigh swept over Caitlyn. Her gaze fell from the swirling, textured plaster of her ceiling and over to her bed side table where the photograph of her parents smiled back at her. I wish I'd have asked you for help when I had the chance, Mum and Dad. Although no one was around to see her, Caitlyn cursed at herself under her breath when the embarrassing threat of tears announced itself. She tugged the duvet over her head, pressing it tightly across her mouth. Oh god. She searched for the right thing to say, an appropiate question or plea, hoping that just maybe tonight would be the night that God might answer her prayers. All she wanted was to not be alone anymore.
As though calling her name the phone began to ring, it stirred her from the slumber she'd inevitably fallen in to.
"Hello?"
"..." A man cleared his throat, "Hi..it's Will."
Will.
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
TAKE MY HAND thirteen
It's been almost two months. Two months and I've not heard one word from her sweet lips in all this time. When I was younger and I'd come home from a date with some pretty girl or other I'd ask my big brother how I could ever really know if I was in love. He told me that there are a few things which don't make much sense, they just sort of feel right. He said the first thing was speaking, it just happens. The second is walking when we're toddlers; just instinct. The third is love. There's not a finite formula to tell you when you've found something worth holding on to. You just know. There's no hesitation. No paranoia. No double glances or "I wonder.."s or "what if"s. Love just is.
Caitlyn had always been my life.
I hope she still is.
I don't know why it took me so long to see it for myself but one day I just woke up and realised that I wanted to spend every hour of my life with Caitlyn.
If she felt the same then wouldn't she be able to tell me?
If she loved me, if she wanted to be with me, surely she would know, wouldn't she have decided by now?
I find myself staring vacantly up at the off white ceiling of this room night after night. Things were so much easier when we were younger. I remember the night that we snuck into her tiny apartment as quietly as we could so as we didn't wake up her roomate, Hetty. We fell into bed, still fully clothed. I wrapped her in my arms and held her hands in mine, gently resting my head on her back, smiling as her pigtails tickled my face. Her hair smelt like almonds. Her skin like cinnamon. I held her close as her breathing slowed and grew deeper and her hands fell limp against mine. The strap of her dress slipped over her arm leaving her right shoulder bare. I kissed her naked skin and wished that I could live eternally in that moment; wishing that somehow this beautiful girl could be mine, wishing that I could be hers.
Two months. How could she love me when she's been hesitating for two months?
Maybe I should stop waiting for her, maybe I should talk to her again. Oh God. It's 3.56 in the morning, how did that happen? Can I call her now? I'll never sleep if I don't.
Caitlyn had always been my life.
I hope she still is.
I don't know why it took me so long to see it for myself but one day I just woke up and realised that I wanted to spend every hour of my life with Caitlyn.
If she felt the same then wouldn't she be able to tell me?
If she loved me, if she wanted to be with me, surely she would know, wouldn't she have decided by now?
I find myself staring vacantly up at the off white ceiling of this room night after night. Things were so much easier when we were younger. I remember the night that we snuck into her tiny apartment as quietly as we could so as we didn't wake up her roomate, Hetty. We fell into bed, still fully clothed. I wrapped her in my arms and held her hands in mine, gently resting my head on her back, smiling as her pigtails tickled my face. Her hair smelt like almonds. Her skin like cinnamon. I held her close as her breathing slowed and grew deeper and her hands fell limp against mine. The strap of her dress slipped over her arm leaving her right shoulder bare. I kissed her naked skin and wished that I could live eternally in that moment; wishing that somehow this beautiful girl could be mine, wishing that I could be hers.
Two months. How could she love me when she's been hesitating for two months?
Maybe I should stop waiting for her, maybe I should talk to her again. Oh God. It's 3.56 in the morning, how did that happen? Can I call her now? I'll never sleep if I don't.
TAKE THE GUN FROM MY HAND AND PUT IT TO MY HEAD twelve
Finally. I raised an eyebrow at my computer's screen as my messenger alerted me to a new email in my inbox. Elin certainly took her time when it came to helping me. Oh well, I guess it's always been her way really but she's always come through for me. I tugged my unruly hair back into something which half resembled a chinon and then brushed the loose strands of hair which usually tickled my face behind my ears. Then I opened her message.
Hi Caitlyn.
Plus.... just calm the fuck down.
And think rationally.
... You calm yet? Good.
Nicole's a slut. I thought you knew that from the start. Will could never have liked a whore like her.
Just, ask yourself. Do you really imagine yourself being with Will and no one else for the rest of your life? If the answer's yes, then go for it. Just... remember not to get too caught up.
And if this is some shitty prank, I will drive over to your house in the dead of night and skin you alive and rip your hair out of your pretty little head and plait it and use it as a dog lead.
Capiche?
x
I found myself chuckling aloud for the first time in a while. My happy laughter bouncing about the empty study; only to knock me with its eerie reverberations. Happiness is fleeting but somehow darkness has the inate ability to cling onto you and suck your life away until you're limp and alone. But for the time, a short time at least, I was happy.
I read over the email...liar, she doesn't even have a dog. My eyes smiled appreciatively at her silly, cynical joke. It reminded me of all of the years I'd spent messing around with Elin when we were both younger. It felt like a lifetime ago. I suppose that for Elin it was a lifetime ago. I'd barely seen her since she'd had her baby. She always said that she had no inclination to have kids but then she'd met the right man and I guess she just changed her mind. Jean-Luc was always so good to her, I'm glad now that she ended up marrying him and they really did make a beautiful child. Her name's Alison. I was angry when I first found out though. I wanted marriage and kids. Not her. I've got a crappy part time job and not a lot else whilst she has everything that I want. I never was any good at coping with this stupid envy of mine, you know? Still, we're friends again now. We never officially stopped being friends exactly, I was just awkward about spending time with her since all the time I was with her I was wishing that I could trade lives. Although that wouldn't have been much of a fair deal would it? So, despite myself, I realised that I was just happy that she was living a good life and eventually, I would find my own fairytale.
Now I have a Prince Charming asking for my hand in marriage but this stupid damsel's so distressed that she can't make up her silly mind.
I pulled my hair down again and twiddled with the tendrils around my fingers. A habit of twenty-seven years is hard to break and somehow, messing up my already messy hair sort of helped my decisions to form in my mind better than usual. Well, sometimes it felt like that anyway.
I thought again about Elin's words. If I want to have Will as my life forever and ever then I should go for it but don't get too caught up. Will already is my life. He's my entire life. I haven't got anything else. I have some fairly close friends but no one quite like William Vale.
Hi Caitlyn.
Plus.... just calm the fuck down.
And think rationally.
... You calm yet? Good.
Nicole's a slut. I thought you knew that from the start. Will could never have liked a whore like her.
Just, ask yourself. Do you really imagine yourself being with Will and no one else for the rest of your life? If the answer's yes, then go for it. Just... remember not to get too caught up.
And if this is some shitty prank, I will drive over to your house in the dead of night and skin you alive and rip your hair out of your pretty little head and plait it and use it as a dog lead.
Capiche?
x
I found myself chuckling aloud for the first time in a while. My happy laughter bouncing about the empty study; only to knock me with its eerie reverberations. Happiness is fleeting but somehow darkness has the inate ability to cling onto you and suck your life away until you're limp and alone. But for the time, a short time at least, I was happy.
I read over the email...liar, she doesn't even have a dog. My eyes smiled appreciatively at her silly, cynical joke. It reminded me of all of the years I'd spent messing around with Elin when we were both younger. It felt like a lifetime ago. I suppose that for Elin it was a lifetime ago. I'd barely seen her since she'd had her baby. She always said that she had no inclination to have kids but then she'd met the right man and I guess she just changed her mind. Jean-Luc was always so good to her, I'm glad now that she ended up marrying him and they really did make a beautiful child. Her name's Alison. I was angry when I first found out though. I wanted marriage and kids. Not her. I've got a crappy part time job and not a lot else whilst she has everything that I want. I never was any good at coping with this stupid envy of mine, you know? Still, we're friends again now. We never officially stopped being friends exactly, I was just awkward about spending time with her since all the time I was with her I was wishing that I could trade lives. Although that wouldn't have been much of a fair deal would it? So, despite myself, I realised that I was just happy that she was living a good life and eventually, I would find my own fairytale.
Now I have a Prince Charming asking for my hand in marriage but this stupid damsel's so distressed that she can't make up her silly mind.
I pulled my hair down again and twiddled with the tendrils around my fingers. A habit of twenty-seven years is hard to break and somehow, messing up my already messy hair sort of helped my decisions to form in my mind better than usual. Well, sometimes it felt like that anyway.
I thought again about Elin's words. If I want to have Will as my life forever and ever then I should go for it but don't get too caught up. Will already is my life. He's my entire life. I haven't got anything else. I have some fairly close friends but no one quite like William Vale.
Saturday, 12 December 2009
STARE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME eleven
So darn snide. Not one thing could leave his lips without being lined by some kind of jab. Yes he was my friends. Yes we shared some laughs but hell yes did we argue and some. mmm hmmm. Jamie. If you didn't know him like I did then you'd think him to be the sort of person that spoke without thinking but I was perfectly aware that with him it was infact the opposite. Jamie didn't say anything that wasn't premeditated, planned and perfectly putrid when he was miffed at you. He could be your best friend and with a change of the wind; the knife running along your wrist. Jamie.
He was succinct, to the point. Maybe that's why I trusted him. He might not do it in the kindest way but he'd always give me what I wanted; the truth.
You mean he simply proposed to you suddenly, even though you've hardly been seeing him and he's been with someone else.
Yes, I know what this is what you want, and I also know Nicole is a bitch. But that's hardly the point. You can't just rush into these things.
It's your choice, though. Don't really know what I can say to change your mind. You've never listened to me in the past.
Jamie.
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but he wasn't seeing her, was he? Silly. As per the usual my wonderfully paranoid side had taken over, whenever I heard of Nicole I convinced myself that she was helping my Will after hours...with a lot more than the filing. Maybe she'd grown up a bit since our school days though.
When I was younger I was desperately jealous of Nicole; the golden girl who forever did everything infinitely better than I ever could have hoped to have done. She had her flaws but I don't think that she was a particularly bad person, she just didn't understand how to act sometimes. She'd speak out of turn and say the most stupidly hurtful things. She'd befriend you, make you trust her and then get those imaculately manicured claws of hers into your man. Not the Will's my man. Nor was he ever my man. But the fact remains the same that Nicole was not trustworthy. I had every right to be a little concerned when I knew that she'd started working at Will's company and fairly closely with him at that.
I "can't rush into these things"? What do you think I've been doing for the past few weeks?! I told Will that I'd think about it and I've done naught but run his words over and over in my mind. Allow his gentle voice to sail across the void between reality and my slumber. His mellow, soothing tones, as close to a smile as sound could ever be carressing me. No, I haven't rushed into anything.
I may have rushed into one or two situations when I was younger though. That's probably what Jamie had meant by his last remark; "you've never listened to me in the past". That wasn't entirely fair. I did listen to Jamie. Just not all of the time. Just not when it came to what guys would be good for me. Perhaps my ears did owe him more time than they offered but the past is in the past, as Fleetwood Mac once sang, "Yesterday is gone." and it, sure as chocolate can do wrong, (another of my Mum's sayings) ain't ever gonna come back.
That's why I'm scared. Scared. Something I've not admitted in a long time. Will and I have and always have had something that people have envied, something that's held us together even when we've been a couple thousand miles apart. I don't want to say "love". I don't want to because if I speak the spell then maybe it'll be broken. If I get together with Will and promise myself to him for better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health it would have to be forever. No one gets themselves into a relationship without at least the hope that it will last forever and so I'd said that I was absolutely in love with every one of my past boyfriends. Every last one of the ruthless bastards who'd claimed we were better off as friends. If I said that this was forever with Will then it would really have to be because if it went wrong then I don't think we could ever have back the past we'd known together. The yesterday of us would really be lost. Forever.
I do love him. I do but I'd prefer to have him forever as my friend than for a little while as something more and then lose him. I couldn't do that. To either of us.
For just a moment I fell away from the world; away from the trouble of writing out a list for groceries, remembering to pay a visit to my parents, callinging in sick to work like so many mondays I'd known before. I was with Will, I was five years old and lying in this arms cuddled up under his spiderman duvet on his teeny single bed with silly pigtails in my hair. Safe and warm. A comfort I don't think I've ever felt without Will. My best friend, better than any boyfriend.
The grandfather clock that had once belonged to my parents chimed softly, allowing me to drift smoothly out of my day dream. I gazed up towards the clock's ancient face but the arms were blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smudging freshly applied mascara down my cheeks, and swigged the last dregs of tea from my mug before getting up from the computer where I'd read Jamie's email and heading the kitchen to make myself a new cup. Just like so many mondays I'd known before.
He was succinct, to the point. Maybe that's why I trusted him. He might not do it in the kindest way but he'd always give me what I wanted; the truth.
You mean he simply proposed to you suddenly, even though you've hardly been seeing him and he's been with someone else.
Yes, I know what this is what you want, and I also know Nicole is a bitch. But that's hardly the point. You can't just rush into these things.
It's your choice, though. Don't really know what I can say to change your mind. You've never listened to me in the past.
Jamie.
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but he wasn't seeing her, was he? Silly. As per the usual my wonderfully paranoid side had taken over, whenever I heard of Nicole I convinced myself that she was helping my Will after hours...with a lot more than the filing. Maybe she'd grown up a bit since our school days though.
When I was younger I was desperately jealous of Nicole; the golden girl who forever did everything infinitely better than I ever could have hoped to have done. She had her flaws but I don't think that she was a particularly bad person, she just didn't understand how to act sometimes. She'd speak out of turn and say the most stupidly hurtful things. She'd befriend you, make you trust her and then get those imaculately manicured claws of hers into your man. Not the Will's my man. Nor was he ever my man. But the fact remains the same that Nicole was not trustworthy. I had every right to be a little concerned when I knew that she'd started working at Will's company and fairly closely with him at that.
I "can't rush into these things"? What do you think I've been doing for the past few weeks?! I told Will that I'd think about it and I've done naught but run his words over and over in my mind. Allow his gentle voice to sail across the void between reality and my slumber. His mellow, soothing tones, as close to a smile as sound could ever be carressing me. No, I haven't rushed into anything.
I may have rushed into one or two situations when I was younger though. That's probably what Jamie had meant by his last remark; "you've never listened to me in the past". That wasn't entirely fair. I did listen to Jamie. Just not all of the time. Just not when it came to what guys would be good for me. Perhaps my ears did owe him more time than they offered but the past is in the past, as Fleetwood Mac once sang, "Yesterday is gone." and it, sure as chocolate can do wrong, (another of my Mum's sayings) ain't ever gonna come back.
That's why I'm scared. Scared. Something I've not admitted in a long time. Will and I have and always have had something that people have envied, something that's held us together even when we've been a couple thousand miles apart. I don't want to say "love". I don't want to because if I speak the spell then maybe it'll be broken. If I get together with Will and promise myself to him for better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health it would have to be forever. No one gets themselves into a relationship without at least the hope that it will last forever and so I'd said that I was absolutely in love with every one of my past boyfriends. Every last one of the ruthless bastards who'd claimed we were better off as friends. If I said that this was forever with Will then it would really have to be because if it went wrong then I don't think we could ever have back the past we'd known together. The yesterday of us would really be lost. Forever.
I do love him. I do but I'd prefer to have him forever as my friend than for a little while as something more and then lose him. I couldn't do that. To either of us.
For just a moment I fell away from the world; away from the trouble of writing out a list for groceries, remembering to pay a visit to my parents, callinging in sick to work like so many mondays I'd known before. I was with Will, I was five years old and lying in this arms cuddled up under his spiderman duvet on his teeny single bed with silly pigtails in my hair. Safe and warm. A comfort I don't think I've ever felt without Will. My best friend, better than any boyfriend.
The grandfather clock that had once belonged to my parents chimed softly, allowing me to drift smoothly out of my day dream. I gazed up towards the clock's ancient face but the arms were blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smudging freshly applied mascara down my cheeks, and swigged the last dregs of tea from my mug before getting up from the computer where I'd read Jamie's email and heading the kitchen to make myself a new cup. Just like so many mondays I'd known before.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
BLOOD IN MY VEINS AND BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS ten
Sometimes chaotic craziness just makes feel as though you could tear your own heart out but other times insanity can make you feel a little better. That's how Laurence was for me. He was utterly mad but his peculiar yet lovely remarks always manage to give me some kind of perspective on what really matters. Right from when I was young....not that twenty seven isn't young but 13 is a lot younger...he came out with the most hilarious comments which would kind of wash away whatever I was making myself get down about.
I was a mixed up teenager. Not troubled per se but far from perfect. I'd hold every little annoying thing inside of me until I couldn't bare it and it would take just one more of these pesky little things to drive me over the edge. Instead of screaming I'd cry. I hated people seeing me with tears on my face so I I haven't cried in public for 12 years. Now no one sees the vulnerable side of me.
I could be beating myself up for having missed the bus or wearing the wrong shoes or being caught nonplussed in the middle of a rain scattering without a brolly but then into my day would stride Laurence with those wonderfully wacky questions of his,
"Hey Caitlyn...what underwear are you wearing?"
I'd pretend to be really rather vexed by his invasive inquisition but beneath my pissed-off bravado-facade I found it hysterical. Somehow, the little giggles he provided me with were enough to give me a metaphorical slap around the face which reminded me that things weren't all that bad. Yup, Laurence was a very good friend. So, although I had seen him be serious...on occasion...I wasn't surprised when his reply reached me,
Hahahahaha! I will eat you!
mmm hmmm. Laurence the cannibal. Lovely. His comment did make me think though...why am I stressing about this so much? It's not as though it's a bad thing. Will and I always joked about getting married when we were younger and I always found myself rather attracted to him but this was different. This meant that I'd have to start being responsible. I'd really be an adult.
I was a mixed up teenager. Not troubled per se but far from perfect. I'd hold every little annoying thing inside of me until I couldn't bare it and it would take just one more of these pesky little things to drive me over the edge. Instead of screaming I'd cry. I hated people seeing me with tears on my face so I I haven't cried in public for 12 years. Now no one sees the vulnerable side of me.
I could be beating myself up for having missed the bus or wearing the wrong shoes or being caught nonplussed in the middle of a rain scattering without a brolly but then into my day would stride Laurence with those wonderfully wacky questions of his,
"Hey Caitlyn...what underwear are you wearing?"
I'd pretend to be really rather vexed by his invasive inquisition but beneath my pissed-off bravado-facade I found it hysterical. Somehow, the little giggles he provided me with were enough to give me a metaphorical slap around the face which reminded me that things weren't all that bad. Yup, Laurence was a very good friend. So, although I had seen him be serious...on occasion...I wasn't surprised when his reply reached me,
Hahahahaha! I will eat you!
mmm hmmm. Laurence the cannibal. Lovely. His comment did make me think though...why am I stressing about this so much? It's not as though it's a bad thing. Will and I always joked about getting married when we were younger and I always found myself rather attracted to him but this was different. This meant that I'd have to start being responsible. I'd really be an adult.
Saturday, 28 November 2009
SO SAVAGELY SWEET nine
I didn't have the energy to tell you the story concerning Richard, far too many long island iced teas, a dance competition....and Tommy. I still don't feel particularly enthusiastic to disclose it now but Tommy's reply to my email appears to be signposting me in that direction. Lucky me.
to caitlyn, bad luck, pal!
i heard they were geting wedded. an awful match, if u ask me. gosh, can u imagine what their children would look like? holy shit...it makes me want 2 cry, it really does. but seriously, nicole's a bitch. reminds me of someone from my old school, though, oddly enough. can't possible say why...what was his name? but anyway, i'm rambling agen. soz. u know, coffee goes as cheap as a kitkat down here in california, it gets 2 ur head. probs not helping, am i? well, u asked for my advice, here it is. if u really love him like we all think u do, then you've got to tell him. before the wedding, preferably. (Seriously, if you stand up in the middle of the wedding and seronade him, I'm calling social services) (Oh, and don't bloody tell him on his aniversary. or his honeymoon, either...jesus christ)...you know, you should probably tell him right now. face 2 face. call him, make the arangements, meet him in town or something. then empty your heart on him. tell him how you feel about him, that's everything, and then see his responce. better he at least knows. if he ditches Barbie-Bitch and takes you, then all's solved. if he tells you a no....well. at least you know you tried. better to at least give it one last shot. u can't go down without a fight, caitlyn! remember what i taught you? in amsterdam last year? (i still can't believe you won that dance-off)...anyway. remember these words of wisdom! Many a man has fallen for a woman in a light so dim he wouldn't have chosen a suit by it...Uhm...if you reverse the roles slightly, i think you get the message. make sure you're certain before u take action. consider it, long and long and hard and hard! That's all from me, i need more coffee. cheers, and good luck.
Amsterdam. Damn them. Richard poured drinks in me whilst Tommy convinced me that I was Ginger Rogers reincarnated. It was our gap year and thanks to all of the late nights and copious abundance of alcoholic beverages (cheers again, Richard!) I now have rather a large gap in what I'm able to remember from that year. I'd always been keen on dancing but preferably on my own or in the dark where no one can see what goes on when my hips start shaking and my feet start tapping to the crazy tunes the DJ's bang out.
I was spinning and kicking and throwing my arms all over the place and as if that wasn't already bad enough, the drinks kept flowing and the music grew louder in an attempt to drown out the cheering the the on lookers spectating the dance contest. I say dance contest but really...well...
I decided to climb up onto the bar which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in 4 inch stilettos and I skin tight mini skirt but it was not my fault. It was Richard and Tommy's faults. I slipped on a drink spillage on the bar and landed on a martini glass...I still have to scar from where the broken glass slashed my skin. I had to go into A&E but the club's owner gave me the title of Dancing Queen of that night. I had won. Oh yes. Although...I do have a slight tinge of the beginning of a sneaking suspicion that this was merely to stop me from suing.
I still won.
Maybe I drank more than one bottle of wine the night that I'd written the email to me friends...Tommy seemed to have gotten the wrong end of the stick about Will's wedding plans just as Caroline had. That wasn't as surprising as his new location in the world though. Throughout school he'd talked about moving over to California and once he'd left he'd gone travelling with a girl I used to know from when I was younger...I can't quite remember her name but I'm glad they ended up together, everybody always said that they were marriage material for each other. Gosh, what was she called? Karen, Kassie...Kayleigh? I dunno...something like that anyway...
I'm still mad at Tommy for the dance contest all those years ago but he did hold my hand when I stayed over night at the hospital getting my thigh stitched up and he did offer to kiss the scar better but I told him that it was quite high up on my thigh and that that would have been a little inappropriate. He's always been a sweetie though. He's over in America trying to persue his acting carreer right now, he's been in soap operas and dramas but he's really looking to find himself a big break now in a movie...preferably opposite some gorgeous girl.
he'd gotten his wires a tidbit crossed in his reply but he'd heard that Will was getting together with Nicole as well...so it couldn't have just been me overreacting then. I'd really, genuinely found myself convinced that Nicole was once again marking Will as her territory like the bitch she was, maybe I should have just spoken to Will like a grown up instead of coming to my own conclusions from rumours.
His reply forced me to think. Everybody knows how much i despise thinking for myself.
I love Will. The more I think of it the more obvious it seems to me that I should already have made up my mind about his proposal.
They always say that when you're in love you just know. So why am I still so unsure about all of this?
to caitlyn, bad luck, pal!
i heard they were geting wedded. an awful match, if u ask me. gosh, can u imagine what their children would look like? holy shit...it makes me want 2 cry, it really does. but seriously, nicole's a bitch. reminds me of someone from my old school, though, oddly enough. can't possible say why...what was his name? but anyway, i'm rambling agen. soz. u know, coffee goes as cheap as a kitkat down here in california, it gets 2 ur head. probs not helping, am i? well, u asked for my advice, here it is. if u really love him like we all think u do, then you've got to tell him. before the wedding, preferably. (Seriously, if you stand up in the middle of the wedding and seronade him, I'm calling social services) (Oh, and don't bloody tell him on his aniversary. or his honeymoon, either...jesus christ)...you know, you should probably tell him right now. face 2 face. call him, make the arangements, meet him in town or something. then empty your heart on him. tell him how you feel about him, that's everything, and then see his responce. better he at least knows. if he ditches Barbie-Bitch and takes you, then all's solved. if he tells you a no....well. at least you know you tried. better to at least give it one last shot. u can't go down without a fight, caitlyn! remember what i taught you? in amsterdam last year? (i still can't believe you won that dance-off)...anyway. remember these words of wisdom! Many a man has fallen for a woman in a light so dim he wouldn't have chosen a suit by it...Uhm...if you reverse the roles slightly, i think you get the message. make sure you're certain before u take action. consider it, long and long and hard and hard! That's all from me, i need more coffee. cheers, and good luck.
Amsterdam. Damn them. Richard poured drinks in me whilst Tommy convinced me that I was Ginger Rogers reincarnated. It was our gap year and thanks to all of the late nights and copious abundance of alcoholic beverages (cheers again, Richard!) I now have rather a large gap in what I'm able to remember from that year. I'd always been keen on dancing but preferably on my own or in the dark where no one can see what goes on when my hips start shaking and my feet start tapping to the crazy tunes the DJ's bang out.
I was spinning and kicking and throwing my arms all over the place and as if that wasn't already bad enough, the drinks kept flowing and the music grew louder in an attempt to drown out the cheering the the on lookers spectating the dance contest. I say dance contest but really...well...
I decided to climb up onto the bar which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in 4 inch stilettos and I skin tight mini skirt but it was not my fault. It was Richard and Tommy's faults. I slipped on a drink spillage on the bar and landed on a martini glass...I still have to scar from where the broken glass slashed my skin. I had to go into A&E but the club's owner gave me the title of Dancing Queen of that night. I had won. Oh yes. Although...I do have a slight tinge of the beginning of a sneaking suspicion that this was merely to stop me from suing.
I still won.
Maybe I drank more than one bottle of wine the night that I'd written the email to me friends...Tommy seemed to have gotten the wrong end of the stick about Will's wedding plans just as Caroline had. That wasn't as surprising as his new location in the world though. Throughout school he'd talked about moving over to California and once he'd left he'd gone travelling with a girl I used to know from when I was younger...I can't quite remember her name but I'm glad they ended up together, everybody always said that they were marriage material for each other. Gosh, what was she called? Karen, Kassie...Kayleigh? I dunno...something like that anyway...
I'm still mad at Tommy for the dance contest all those years ago but he did hold my hand when I stayed over night at the hospital getting my thigh stitched up and he did offer to kiss the scar better but I told him that it was quite high up on my thigh and that that would have been a little inappropriate. He's always been a sweetie though. He's over in America trying to persue his acting carreer right now, he's been in soap operas and dramas but he's really looking to find himself a big break now in a movie...preferably opposite some gorgeous girl.
he'd gotten his wires a tidbit crossed in his reply but he'd heard that Will was getting together with Nicole as well...so it couldn't have just been me overreacting then. I'd really, genuinely found myself convinced that Nicole was once again marking Will as her territory like the bitch she was, maybe I should have just spoken to Will like a grown up instead of coming to my own conclusions from rumours.
His reply forced me to think. Everybody knows how much i despise thinking for myself.
I love Will. The more I think of it the more obvious it seems to me that I should already have made up my mind about his proposal.
They always say that when you're in love you just know. So why am I still so unsure about all of this?
Sunday, 22 November 2009
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Early morning this morning
But I got it, didn't I?? xD I really want that to be the end of it now.
anyways, i've only got 12 more minutes *in the library and time's running low* but I just wanted to tell you that My lovely mate Lolly hung Ken *as in the ken and barbie dolls* because she thought he was evil. hahahaha, even then she knew that all men are bastards. tee hee. nah, i'm kidding, i've got some pretty awesome male friends but I do also know some guys I'd rather I didn't tbh....:S
I hope you like the latest offering of my story. I'm pretty pleased with it :D I'm still trying *and failing* to come up with a name for it so any offerings would be much appreciated!! I'm gonna write Tommy's chapter next saturday cuz I can't see myself getting time again before then but this last one that I've written featured Robert and was certainly interesting to write...he'd given me a lot to think about in his response so that was useful. *yay* Please check it out. I think this girl's done good...finally.
*seven minutes*
I hope Summer's okay...five minutes to midnight...i know that feeling, trust me :)
errrrrrrrrrm, i reckon that's about everything I gotta say right now, enjoy the story!
Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
anyways, i've only got 12 more minutes *in the library and time's running low* but I just wanted to tell you that My lovely mate Lolly hung Ken *as in the ken and barbie dolls* because she thought he was evil. hahahaha, even then she knew that all men are bastards. tee hee. nah, i'm kidding, i've got some pretty awesome male friends but I do also know some guys I'd rather I didn't tbh....:S
I hope you like the latest offering of my story. I'm pretty pleased with it :D I'm still trying *and failing* to come up with a name for it so any offerings would be much appreciated!! I'm gonna write Tommy's chapter next saturday cuz I can't see myself getting time again before then but this last one that I've written featured Robert and was certainly interesting to write...he'd given me a lot to think about in his response so that was useful. *yay* Please check it out. I think this girl's done good...finally.
*seven minutes*
I hope Summer's okay...five minutes to midnight...i know that feeling, trust me :)
errrrrrrrrrm, i reckon that's about everything I gotta say right now, enjoy the story!
Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
PUSH ME JUST A LITTLE FURTHER eight
"The things about the rat-race is that, even if you win, you are still a rat."
I had to learn that the hard way but from a great teacher. Robert and I had always had a somewhat turbulent friendship. We could natter about nothing or discuss things that really did matter but we were and still are two very different people with different views and different dreams. I just hoped that after five years... really? Five years, how did that happen? Well, I guess I hoped that maybe things would have been better. Hope's a cruel feeling. Full of the promise of good to come; Hope parades into your life; offering itself as the only life-line, a beacon of goodness in the future yet to reach you. Hope always lets you down, no matter how much faith you put into him he'll turn his back as soon as things get too tough.
Robert was the third response. His first words to me after five long years of silence. I'm somewhat surprised he still remembered me if the truth be told.
I thought you'd given up talking to me after that little incident we have. I can't say anything, you just get on with your life and I'll get on with mine. it was, after all, you who said we should never talk again. Or maybe you're just hypocritical? Either way, I don't give a shit.
No, "hi" and not even a sign of his name. A seemingly subtle but blindingly obvious indication to me that Robert didn't know what to say to me and cared even less...that and the fact that he'd told me, "i don't give a shit" that's always a bit of a clue.
Robert and I were, "two sides to the same coin" that's what Mum always told me. Different yet far too similar. We were highly ambitious and made everything a competition. It started with small things like grades at school but, as I so very often tended to, I went and took it too far.
We share a past which is so full and dramatic and exasperatingly crammed with emotion that we had nothing left for any kind of future together. We were drifting, floating and fading further from each other with each passing day. For so long it had been the wrong of our relationship that had made it feel so right but it wasn't real. It was just a facade. We were no good for each other. I can't remember who saw it first but the wall we'd put up around us was growing weaker...it wasn't cracks in the walls or flaws in the foundations. One day we both realised it was built out of playing cards and so fragile it was tumbling around us.
We'd always argued but they were fun arguments. We teased each other and made little jabs because we could understand the joviality behind it. Then one day we couldn't. Our silliness became snide, our words wounding and even our voices viscious.
"Why do you do that?"
"...Do what?"
"Flirt with every guy in the room."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not the first to notice it. I protested your innocence for so long but now it's so obvious. Caitlyn, some of these guys have girlfriends you know."
"Yes. I know."
"So what do you think you're playing at then?"
"Robert, listen, this is a party, everybody is joking around and having a little fun, is there anything wrong with that?"
"Fun? You're throwing yourself at anyone and everyone even glancing in your direction."
"What does it even matter to you? It's my life, am I hurting you in some way?"
"I'm trying to look out for you, you're drunk and you're making a fool of yourself. Do you really want some bastard to take advantage of you."
I grew aware of the slurr in my voice and even as I was speaking I wasn't quite believing the deceptions of my own lips.
"I don't know. Maybe. It's be a hell of a lot more of a laugh than standing here with Mr. Too-Frigid-For-Fucking-Words."
I regretted what I'd said even before the twinkle in his eyes dimmed. Somehow the words, heavy with venemous anger, kept spilling from my open mouth.
"Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Grow a pair you prat. You think you're looking out for me? I'm 22 for god's sake. I don't need looking after."
I wanted to stop. Robert's face had clouded cold and blank. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I wanted to show him that I was independent, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to hurt him. I grabbed the first guy who passed us by, he was a randomer from university that I'd maybe said, "hi" to once or twice. I didn't know his name, I didn't want to. I kissed him hard and with purpose. It was the worst kiss of my life; almost agressive with no heart at all. He wasn't holding me warm and secure he was groping all over me. He tasted of alcohol and cigarettes. I felt sick. Sickened by him and sick with myself.
I turned back to Robert. I stared him defiantly in the eye as if to say "See." I think Robert understood immediately.
"I see. Fine. If that's how you want to live your life then fine, Caitlyn. Goodbye."
He walked away from me.
"Go on. Turn your back and walk away. See if I give a damn. Don't ever speak to me again."
I spat those words after him and until today I'd never been sure of whether he'd heard that last part.
I'd won the race but I was still a rat.
I guess that after five years I was hoping for him to see my cry for help as an olive branch. No such luck.
Hope'll offer you comfort for five minutes but he'll leave you before the sun even rises.
I had to learn that the hard way but from a great teacher. Robert and I had always had a somewhat turbulent friendship. We could natter about nothing or discuss things that really did matter but we were and still are two very different people with different views and different dreams. I just hoped that after five years... really? Five years, how did that happen? Well, I guess I hoped that maybe things would have been better. Hope's a cruel feeling. Full of the promise of good to come; Hope parades into your life; offering itself as the only life-line, a beacon of goodness in the future yet to reach you. Hope always lets you down, no matter how much faith you put into him he'll turn his back as soon as things get too tough.
Robert was the third response. His first words to me after five long years of silence. I'm somewhat surprised he still remembered me if the truth be told.
I thought you'd given up talking to me after that little incident we have. I can't say anything, you just get on with your life and I'll get on with mine. it was, after all, you who said we should never talk again. Or maybe you're just hypocritical? Either way, I don't give a shit.
No, "hi" and not even a sign of his name. A seemingly subtle but blindingly obvious indication to me that Robert didn't know what to say to me and cared even less...that and the fact that he'd told me, "i don't give a shit" that's always a bit of a clue.
Robert and I were, "two sides to the same coin" that's what Mum always told me. Different yet far too similar. We were highly ambitious and made everything a competition. It started with small things like grades at school but, as I so very often tended to, I went and took it too far.
We share a past which is so full and dramatic and exasperatingly crammed with emotion that we had nothing left for any kind of future together. We were drifting, floating and fading further from each other with each passing day. For so long it had been the wrong of our relationship that had made it feel so right but it wasn't real. It was just a facade. We were no good for each other. I can't remember who saw it first but the wall we'd put up around us was growing weaker...it wasn't cracks in the walls or flaws in the foundations. One day we both realised it was built out of playing cards and so fragile it was tumbling around us.
We'd always argued but they were fun arguments. We teased each other and made little jabs because we could understand the joviality behind it. Then one day we couldn't. Our silliness became snide, our words wounding and even our voices viscious.
"Why do you do that?"
"...Do what?"
"Flirt with every guy in the room."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not the first to notice it. I protested your innocence for so long but now it's so obvious. Caitlyn, some of these guys have girlfriends you know."
"Yes. I know."
"So what do you think you're playing at then?"
"Robert, listen, this is a party, everybody is joking around and having a little fun, is there anything wrong with that?"
"Fun? You're throwing yourself at anyone and everyone even glancing in your direction."
"What does it even matter to you? It's my life, am I hurting you in some way?"
"I'm trying to look out for you, you're drunk and you're making a fool of yourself. Do you really want some bastard to take advantage of you."
I grew aware of the slurr in my voice and even as I was speaking I wasn't quite believing the deceptions of my own lips.
"I don't know. Maybe. It's be a hell of a lot more of a laugh than standing here with Mr. Too-Frigid-For-Fucking-Words."
I regretted what I'd said even before the twinkle in his eyes dimmed. Somehow the words, heavy with venemous anger, kept spilling from my open mouth.
"Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Grow a pair you prat. You think you're looking out for me? I'm 22 for god's sake. I don't need looking after."
I wanted to stop. Robert's face had clouded cold and blank. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I wanted to show him that I was independent, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to hurt him. I grabbed the first guy who passed us by, he was a randomer from university that I'd maybe said, "hi" to once or twice. I didn't know his name, I didn't want to. I kissed him hard and with purpose. It was the worst kiss of my life; almost agressive with no heart at all. He wasn't holding me warm and secure he was groping all over me. He tasted of alcohol and cigarettes. I felt sick. Sickened by him and sick with myself.
I turned back to Robert. I stared him defiantly in the eye as if to say "See." I think Robert understood immediately.
"I see. Fine. If that's how you want to live your life then fine, Caitlyn. Goodbye."
He walked away from me.
"Go on. Turn your back and walk away. See if I give a damn. Don't ever speak to me again."
I spat those words after him and until today I'd never been sure of whether he'd heard that last part.
I'd won the race but I was still a rat.
I guess that after five years I was hoping for him to see my cry for help as an olive branch. No such luck.
Hope'll offer you comfort for five minutes but he'll leave you before the sun even rises.
Friday, 20 November 2009
Thursday, 19 November 2009
So....yeah.
I'm a dum dum dummy but life's not over and face-painting was really rather grand today.
awwww, tommy looked so darn pretty...sorta drag-queen-ish but ah wells. R. WELLS EXISTS!!! ty on that one elin :D
according to someone in Tommy's family...i'm his, "lass" *quizzical raised eyebrow look!!! xD*
I was just on the phone ot Tommy and he said something silly and then said, "sorry, you can slap the phone"
so i did.
and it died.
I called back straight away bit he thought that i'd gone and hung up on him. eeek.
ergle.
i don't feel like raving...or dancing for that matter; i don't feel like dancing, dancing *some lyrics that I don't know* dancing, dancing *or something along those lines*
So...helped to raise money for children in need today; always a good thing :D
i really don't want to dedicate another moment of my mentally pondering over the sheer cruddiness of my physics and biology exams today :S
i had some stuff on my mind. great. but only my fault, so i can't complain.
...just wait until it all blows up...things always get worse before they get better...isn't that the way? hmmmmmmm
i can't stop writing in italics which is annoying. ah wells. R WELLS xD love it!!
i did rather fancy sharing something with you but i now can't for the life of me think what so i reckon i may just tuck myself into bed and away with slumber. I started a new book on the weekend; 'tis called "second chance" by Jane Green and I'm really rather enjoying it actually. I've not read a great deal yet but it's sweet...fairly sad in parts but laugh out loud funny at other points. I hate marcus...he's so mean to holly. poor holly. she loved tom, you know? he died in a terrorist attack :( i love how it's written, it's third person predominantly but there are also lil ol' insights into the characters' minds like soliloquies in drama methinks. I'm tired.
yawn
ooooooooooooh, robert gave me my newspaper from germany today. hazaaaaaaaar! xD
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
awwww, tommy looked so darn pretty...sorta drag-queen-ish but ah wells. R. WELLS EXISTS!!! ty on that one elin :D
according to someone in Tommy's family...i'm his, "lass" *quizzical raised eyebrow look!!! xD*
I was just on the phone ot Tommy and he said something silly and then said, "sorry, you can slap the phone"
so i did.
and it died.
I called back straight away bit he thought that i'd gone and hung up on him. eeek.
ergle.
i don't feel like raving...or dancing for that matter; i don't feel like dancing, dancing *some lyrics that I don't know* dancing, dancing *or something along those lines*
So...helped to raise money for children in need today; always a good thing :D
i really don't want to dedicate another moment of my mentally pondering over the sheer cruddiness of my physics and biology exams today :S
i had some stuff on my mind. great. but only my fault, so i can't complain.
...just wait until it all blows up...things always get worse before they get better...isn't that the way? hmmmmmmm
i can't stop writing in italics which is annoying. ah wells. R WELLS xD love it!!
i did rather fancy sharing something with you but i now can't for the life of me think what so i reckon i may just tuck myself into bed and away with slumber. I started a new book on the weekend; 'tis called "second chance" by Jane Green and I'm really rather enjoying it actually. I've not read a great deal yet but it's sweet...fairly sad in parts but laugh out loud funny at other points. I hate marcus...he's so mean to holly. poor holly. she loved tom, you know? he died in a terrorist attack :( i love how it's written, it's third person predominantly but there are also lil ol' insights into the characters' minds like soliloquies in drama methinks. I'm tired.
yawn
ooooooooooooh, robert gave me my newspaper from germany today. hazaaaaaaaar! xD
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
eejit eejit eejit
I only blame me,
I am an utter eejit,
A stupid mistake.
^^trying to convey a point in haiku is hard...well, i got myself into trouble by doing something idiotic and i feel horrid. how clever.
i'm making a sign for face painting right now cuz i'm helping with it tomorrow for Children in Need. then i'm off to revise, i intend on doing reasonably well and Oxford and Cambridge are looking for A's and A*'s in pretty much everything and I like to keep my options open, you know?
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
I am an utter eejit,
A stupid mistake.
^^trying to convey a point in haiku is hard...well, i got myself into trouble by doing something idiotic and i feel horrid. how clever.
i'm making a sign for face painting right now cuz i'm helping with it tomorrow for Children in Need. then i'm off to revise, i intend on doing reasonably well and Oxford and Cambridge are looking for A's and A*'s in pretty much everything and I like to keep my options open, you know?
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)