I didn't have the energy to tell you the story concerning Richard, far too many long island iced teas, a dance competition....and Tommy. I still don't feel particularly enthusiastic to disclose it now but Tommy's reply to my email appears to be signposting me in that direction. Lucky me.
to caitlyn, bad luck, pal!
i heard they were geting wedded. an awful match, if u ask me. gosh, can u imagine what their children would look like? holy shit...it makes me want 2 cry, it really does. but seriously, nicole's a bitch. reminds me of someone from my old school, though, oddly enough. can't possible say why...what was his name? but anyway, i'm rambling agen. soz. u know, coffee goes as cheap as a kitkat down here in california, it gets 2 ur head. probs not helping, am i? well, u asked for my advice, here it is. if u really love him like we all think u do, then you've got to tell him. before the wedding, preferably. (Seriously, if you stand up in the middle of the wedding and seronade him, I'm calling social services) (Oh, and don't bloody tell him on his aniversary. or his honeymoon, either...jesus christ)...you know, you should probably tell him right now. face 2 face. call him, make the arangements, meet him in town or something. then empty your heart on him. tell him how you feel about him, that's everything, and then see his responce. better he at least knows. if he ditches Barbie-Bitch and takes you, then all's solved. if he tells you a no....well. at least you know you tried. better to at least give it one last shot. u can't go down without a fight, caitlyn! remember what i taught you? in amsterdam last year? (i still can't believe you won that dance-off)...anyway. remember these words of wisdom! Many a man has fallen for a woman in a light so dim he wouldn't have chosen a suit by it...Uhm...if you reverse the roles slightly, i think you get the message. make sure you're certain before u take action. consider it, long and long and hard and hard! That's all from me, i need more coffee. cheers, and good luck.
Amsterdam. Damn them. Richard poured drinks in me whilst Tommy convinced me that I was Ginger Rogers reincarnated. It was our gap year and thanks to all of the late nights and copious abundance of alcoholic beverages (cheers again, Richard!) I now have rather a large gap in what I'm able to remember from that year. I'd always been keen on dancing but preferably on my own or in the dark where no one can see what goes on when my hips start shaking and my feet start tapping to the crazy tunes the DJ's bang out.
I was spinning and kicking and throwing my arms all over the place and as if that wasn't already bad enough, the drinks kept flowing and the music grew louder in an attempt to drown out the cheering the the on lookers spectating the dance contest. I say dance contest but really...well...
I decided to climb up onto the bar which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in 4 inch stilettos and I skin tight mini skirt but it was not my fault. It was Richard and Tommy's faults. I slipped on a drink spillage on the bar and landed on a martini glass...I still have to scar from where the broken glass slashed my skin. I had to go into A&E but the club's owner gave me the title of Dancing Queen of that night. I had won. Oh yes. Although...I do have a slight tinge of the beginning of a sneaking suspicion that this was merely to stop me from suing.
I still won.
Maybe I drank more than one bottle of wine the night that I'd written the email to me friends...Tommy seemed to have gotten the wrong end of the stick about Will's wedding plans just as Caroline had. That wasn't as surprising as his new location in the world though. Throughout school he'd talked about moving over to California and once he'd left he'd gone travelling with a girl I used to know from when I was younger...I can't quite remember her name but I'm glad they ended up together, everybody always said that they were marriage material for each other. Gosh, what was she called? Karen, Kassie...Kayleigh? I dunno...something like that anyway...
I'm still mad at Tommy for the dance contest all those years ago but he did hold my hand when I stayed over night at the hospital getting my thigh stitched up and he did offer to kiss the scar better but I told him that it was quite high up on my thigh and that that would have been a little inappropriate. He's always been a sweetie though. He's over in America trying to persue his acting carreer right now, he's been in soap operas and dramas but he's really looking to find himself a big break now in a movie...preferably opposite some gorgeous girl.
he'd gotten his wires a tidbit crossed in his reply but he'd heard that Will was getting together with Nicole as well...so it couldn't have just been me overreacting then. I'd really, genuinely found myself convinced that Nicole was once again marking Will as her territory like the bitch she was, maybe I should have just spoken to Will like a grown up instead of coming to my own conclusions from rumours.
His reply forced me to think. Everybody knows how much i despise thinking for myself.
I love Will. The more I think of it the more obvious it seems to me that I should already have made up my mind about his proposal.
They always say that when you're in love you just know. So why am I still so unsure about all of this?
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Sunday, 22 November 2009
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Early morning this morning
But I got it, didn't I?? xD I really want that to be the end of it now.
anyways, i've only got 12 more minutes *in the library and time's running low* but I just wanted to tell you that My lovely mate Lolly hung Ken *as in the ken and barbie dolls* because she thought he was evil. hahahaha, even then she knew that all men are bastards. tee hee. nah, i'm kidding, i've got some pretty awesome male friends but I do also know some guys I'd rather I didn't tbh....:S
I hope you like the latest offering of my story. I'm pretty pleased with it :D I'm still trying *and failing* to come up with a name for it so any offerings would be much appreciated!! I'm gonna write Tommy's chapter next saturday cuz I can't see myself getting time again before then but this last one that I've written featured Robert and was certainly interesting to write...he'd given me a lot to think about in his response so that was useful. *yay* Please check it out. I think this girl's done good...finally.
*seven minutes*
I hope Summer's okay...five minutes to midnight...i know that feeling, trust me :)
errrrrrrrrrm, i reckon that's about everything I gotta say right now, enjoy the story!
Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
anyways, i've only got 12 more minutes *in the library and time's running low* but I just wanted to tell you that My lovely mate Lolly hung Ken *as in the ken and barbie dolls* because she thought he was evil. hahahaha, even then she knew that all men are bastards. tee hee. nah, i'm kidding, i've got some pretty awesome male friends but I do also know some guys I'd rather I didn't tbh....:S
I hope you like the latest offering of my story. I'm pretty pleased with it :D I'm still trying *and failing* to come up with a name for it so any offerings would be much appreciated!! I'm gonna write Tommy's chapter next saturday cuz I can't see myself getting time again before then but this last one that I've written featured Robert and was certainly interesting to write...he'd given me a lot to think about in his response so that was useful. *yay* Please check it out. I think this girl's done good...finally.
*seven minutes*
I hope Summer's okay...five minutes to midnight...i know that feeling, trust me :)
errrrrrrrrrm, i reckon that's about everything I gotta say right now, enjoy the story!
Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
PUSH ME JUST A LITTLE FURTHER eight
"The things about the rat-race is that, even if you win, you are still a rat."
I had to learn that the hard way but from a great teacher. Robert and I had always had a somewhat turbulent friendship. We could natter about nothing or discuss things that really did matter but we were and still are two very different people with different views and different dreams. I just hoped that after five years... really? Five years, how did that happen? Well, I guess I hoped that maybe things would have been better. Hope's a cruel feeling. Full of the promise of good to come; Hope parades into your life; offering itself as the only life-line, a beacon of goodness in the future yet to reach you. Hope always lets you down, no matter how much faith you put into him he'll turn his back as soon as things get too tough.
Robert was the third response. His first words to me after five long years of silence. I'm somewhat surprised he still remembered me if the truth be told.
I thought you'd given up talking to me after that little incident we have. I can't say anything, you just get on with your life and I'll get on with mine. it was, after all, you who said we should never talk again. Or maybe you're just hypocritical? Either way, I don't give a shit.
No, "hi" and not even a sign of his name. A seemingly subtle but blindingly obvious indication to me that Robert didn't know what to say to me and cared even less...that and the fact that he'd told me, "i don't give a shit" that's always a bit of a clue.
Robert and I were, "two sides to the same coin" that's what Mum always told me. Different yet far too similar. We were highly ambitious and made everything a competition. It started with small things like grades at school but, as I so very often tended to, I went and took it too far.
We share a past which is so full and dramatic and exasperatingly crammed with emotion that we had nothing left for any kind of future together. We were drifting, floating and fading further from each other with each passing day. For so long it had been the wrong of our relationship that had made it feel so right but it wasn't real. It was just a facade. We were no good for each other. I can't remember who saw it first but the wall we'd put up around us was growing weaker...it wasn't cracks in the walls or flaws in the foundations. One day we both realised it was built out of playing cards and so fragile it was tumbling around us.
We'd always argued but they were fun arguments. We teased each other and made little jabs because we could understand the joviality behind it. Then one day we couldn't. Our silliness became snide, our words wounding and even our voices viscious.
"Why do you do that?"
"...Do what?"
"Flirt with every guy in the room."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not the first to notice it. I protested your innocence for so long but now it's so obvious. Caitlyn, some of these guys have girlfriends you know."
"Yes. I know."
"So what do you think you're playing at then?"
"Robert, listen, this is a party, everybody is joking around and having a little fun, is there anything wrong with that?"
"Fun? You're throwing yourself at anyone and everyone even glancing in your direction."
"What does it even matter to you? It's my life, am I hurting you in some way?"
"I'm trying to look out for you, you're drunk and you're making a fool of yourself. Do you really want some bastard to take advantage of you."
I grew aware of the slurr in my voice and even as I was speaking I wasn't quite believing the deceptions of my own lips.
"I don't know. Maybe. It's be a hell of a lot more of a laugh than standing here with Mr. Too-Frigid-For-Fucking-Words."
I regretted what I'd said even before the twinkle in his eyes dimmed. Somehow the words, heavy with venemous anger, kept spilling from my open mouth.
"Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Grow a pair you prat. You think you're looking out for me? I'm 22 for god's sake. I don't need looking after."
I wanted to stop. Robert's face had clouded cold and blank. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I wanted to show him that I was independent, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to hurt him. I grabbed the first guy who passed us by, he was a randomer from university that I'd maybe said, "hi" to once or twice. I didn't know his name, I didn't want to. I kissed him hard and with purpose. It was the worst kiss of my life; almost agressive with no heart at all. He wasn't holding me warm and secure he was groping all over me. He tasted of alcohol and cigarettes. I felt sick. Sickened by him and sick with myself.
I turned back to Robert. I stared him defiantly in the eye as if to say "See." I think Robert understood immediately.
"I see. Fine. If that's how you want to live your life then fine, Caitlyn. Goodbye."
He walked away from me.
"Go on. Turn your back and walk away. See if I give a damn. Don't ever speak to me again."
I spat those words after him and until today I'd never been sure of whether he'd heard that last part.
I'd won the race but I was still a rat.
I guess that after five years I was hoping for him to see my cry for help as an olive branch. No such luck.
Hope'll offer you comfort for five minutes but he'll leave you before the sun even rises.
I had to learn that the hard way but from a great teacher. Robert and I had always had a somewhat turbulent friendship. We could natter about nothing or discuss things that really did matter but we were and still are two very different people with different views and different dreams. I just hoped that after five years... really? Five years, how did that happen? Well, I guess I hoped that maybe things would have been better. Hope's a cruel feeling. Full of the promise of good to come; Hope parades into your life; offering itself as the only life-line, a beacon of goodness in the future yet to reach you. Hope always lets you down, no matter how much faith you put into him he'll turn his back as soon as things get too tough.
Robert was the third response. His first words to me after five long years of silence. I'm somewhat surprised he still remembered me if the truth be told.
I thought you'd given up talking to me after that little incident we have. I can't say anything, you just get on with your life and I'll get on with mine. it was, after all, you who said we should never talk again. Or maybe you're just hypocritical? Either way, I don't give a shit.
No, "hi" and not even a sign of his name. A seemingly subtle but blindingly obvious indication to me that Robert didn't know what to say to me and cared even less...that and the fact that he'd told me, "i don't give a shit" that's always a bit of a clue.
Robert and I were, "two sides to the same coin" that's what Mum always told me. Different yet far too similar. We were highly ambitious and made everything a competition. It started with small things like grades at school but, as I so very often tended to, I went and took it too far.
We share a past which is so full and dramatic and exasperatingly crammed with emotion that we had nothing left for any kind of future together. We were drifting, floating and fading further from each other with each passing day. For so long it had been the wrong of our relationship that had made it feel so right but it wasn't real. It was just a facade. We were no good for each other. I can't remember who saw it first but the wall we'd put up around us was growing weaker...it wasn't cracks in the walls or flaws in the foundations. One day we both realised it was built out of playing cards and so fragile it was tumbling around us.
We'd always argued but they were fun arguments. We teased each other and made little jabs because we could understand the joviality behind it. Then one day we couldn't. Our silliness became snide, our words wounding and even our voices viscious.
"Why do you do that?"
"...Do what?"
"Flirt with every guy in the room."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not the first to notice it. I protested your innocence for so long but now it's so obvious. Caitlyn, some of these guys have girlfriends you know."
"Yes. I know."
"So what do you think you're playing at then?"
"Robert, listen, this is a party, everybody is joking around and having a little fun, is there anything wrong with that?"
"Fun? You're throwing yourself at anyone and everyone even glancing in your direction."
"What does it even matter to you? It's my life, am I hurting you in some way?"
"I'm trying to look out for you, you're drunk and you're making a fool of yourself. Do you really want some bastard to take advantage of you."
I grew aware of the slurr in my voice and even as I was speaking I wasn't quite believing the deceptions of my own lips.
"I don't know. Maybe. It's be a hell of a lot more of a laugh than standing here with Mr. Too-Frigid-For-Fucking-Words."
I regretted what I'd said even before the twinkle in his eyes dimmed. Somehow the words, heavy with venemous anger, kept spilling from my open mouth.
"Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Grow a pair you prat. You think you're looking out for me? I'm 22 for god's sake. I don't need looking after."
I wanted to stop. Robert's face had clouded cold and blank. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I wanted to show him that I was independent, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to hurt him. I grabbed the first guy who passed us by, he was a randomer from university that I'd maybe said, "hi" to once or twice. I didn't know his name, I didn't want to. I kissed him hard and with purpose. It was the worst kiss of my life; almost agressive with no heart at all. He wasn't holding me warm and secure he was groping all over me. He tasted of alcohol and cigarettes. I felt sick. Sickened by him and sick with myself.
I turned back to Robert. I stared him defiantly in the eye as if to say "See." I think Robert understood immediately.
"I see. Fine. If that's how you want to live your life then fine, Caitlyn. Goodbye."
He walked away from me.
"Go on. Turn your back and walk away. See if I give a damn. Don't ever speak to me again."
I spat those words after him and until today I'd never been sure of whether he'd heard that last part.
I'd won the race but I was still a rat.
I guess that after five years I was hoping for him to see my cry for help as an olive branch. No such luck.
Hope'll offer you comfort for five minutes but he'll leave you before the sun even rises.
Friday, 20 November 2009
Thursday, 19 November 2009
So....yeah.
I'm a dum dum dummy but life's not over and face-painting was really rather grand today.
awwww, tommy looked so darn pretty...sorta drag-queen-ish but ah wells. R. WELLS EXISTS!!! ty on that one elin :D
according to someone in Tommy's family...i'm his, "lass" *quizzical raised eyebrow look!!! xD*
I was just on the phone ot Tommy and he said something silly and then said, "sorry, you can slap the phone"
so i did.
and it died.
I called back straight away bit he thought that i'd gone and hung up on him. eeek.
ergle.
i don't feel like raving...or dancing for that matter; i don't feel like dancing, dancing *some lyrics that I don't know* dancing, dancing *or something along those lines*
So...helped to raise money for children in need today; always a good thing :D
i really don't want to dedicate another moment of my mentally pondering over the sheer cruddiness of my physics and biology exams today :S
i had some stuff on my mind. great. but only my fault, so i can't complain.
...just wait until it all blows up...things always get worse before they get better...isn't that the way? hmmmmmmm
i can't stop writing in italics which is annoying. ah wells. R WELLS xD love it!!
i did rather fancy sharing something with you but i now can't for the life of me think what so i reckon i may just tuck myself into bed and away with slumber. I started a new book on the weekend; 'tis called "second chance" by Jane Green and I'm really rather enjoying it actually. I've not read a great deal yet but it's sweet...fairly sad in parts but laugh out loud funny at other points. I hate marcus...he's so mean to holly. poor holly. she loved tom, you know? he died in a terrorist attack :( i love how it's written, it's third person predominantly but there are also lil ol' insights into the characters' minds like soliloquies in drama methinks. I'm tired.
yawn
ooooooooooooh, robert gave me my newspaper from germany today. hazaaaaaaaar! xD
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
awwww, tommy looked so darn pretty...sorta drag-queen-ish but ah wells. R. WELLS EXISTS!!! ty on that one elin :D
according to someone in Tommy's family...i'm his, "lass" *quizzical raised eyebrow look!!! xD*
I was just on the phone ot Tommy and he said something silly and then said, "sorry, you can slap the phone"
so i did.
and it died.
I called back straight away bit he thought that i'd gone and hung up on him. eeek.
ergle.
i don't feel like raving...or dancing for that matter; i don't feel like dancing, dancing *some lyrics that I don't know* dancing, dancing *or something along those lines*
So...helped to raise money for children in need today; always a good thing :D
i really don't want to dedicate another moment of my mentally pondering over the sheer cruddiness of my physics and biology exams today :S
i had some stuff on my mind. great. but only my fault, so i can't complain.
...just wait until it all blows up...things always get worse before they get better...isn't that the way? hmmmmmmm
i can't stop writing in italics which is annoying. ah wells. R WELLS xD love it!!
i did rather fancy sharing something with you but i now can't for the life of me think what so i reckon i may just tuck myself into bed and away with slumber. I started a new book on the weekend; 'tis called "second chance" by Jane Green and I'm really rather enjoying it actually. I've not read a great deal yet but it's sweet...fairly sad in parts but laugh out loud funny at other points. I hate marcus...he's so mean to holly. poor holly. she loved tom, you know? he died in a terrorist attack :( i love how it's written, it's third person predominantly but there are also lil ol' insights into the characters' minds like soliloquies in drama methinks. I'm tired.
yawn
ooooooooooooh, robert gave me my newspaper from germany today. hazaaaaaaaar! xD
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
eejit eejit eejit
I only blame me,
I am an utter eejit,
A stupid mistake.
^^trying to convey a point in haiku is hard...well, i got myself into trouble by doing something idiotic and i feel horrid. how clever.
i'm making a sign for face painting right now cuz i'm helping with it tomorrow for Children in Need. then i'm off to revise, i intend on doing reasonably well and Oxford and Cambridge are looking for A's and A*'s in pretty much everything and I like to keep my options open, you know?
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
I am an utter eejit,
A stupid mistake.
^^trying to convey a point in haiku is hard...well, i got myself into trouble by doing something idiotic and i feel horrid. how clever.
i'm making a sign for face painting right now cuz i'm helping with it tomorrow for Children in Need. then i'm off to revise, i intend on doing reasonably well and Oxford and Cambridge are looking for A's and A*'s in pretty much everything and I like to keep my options open, you know?
Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
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