Am I allowed to say that my heart stopped still for just a second and that the world ceased to turn momentarily and all of the other clichés related to events like this?!
I put the receiver onto the mattress and then with my newly-freed hand I pinch my other arm. Ow. No one told me how much that hurt! I am certainly awake though, I didn't by some miracle drift away into the safety of sleep...as if I could. I flex the now trembling fingers of my right hand and shake out the quivers before attempting to pick up the reciever again.
"Will..." Damn the figurative cat that's caught my tongue.
"Hiya Caitlyn, I'm sorry to wake you but-"
"Oh..erm...you didn't wake me; it's fine."
"It's seventeen minutes past four in the morning, what have been doing to keep you up all this time then?"
The edge to his tone curled with the suggestion that I'd been up to no good. He hasn't changed.
"I could ask you the same question, Mister, but knowing you...I'm not sure I'd care to here your answer..."
He gave just a taste of that low, rumbling chuckle of his which I adored so greatly.
"Fine...but really, I've never known you to lose your sleep over something that's not a big deal, honestly, what's wrong?"
"Hmm, sometimes I regret letting you know me so well. I don't know Will. It's nothing and...everything, I just don't know. I used to feel so sure of what I wanted to do and how I to choose to live my life; I used to know who I was. Now, I can look at the mirror and feel no recogntion for the stranger gaping back at me and each day she looks older and more tired; hagard even.
I broke off for a moment and cleared my throat, recovering from the breathlessness that my rant had conjured up within me.
"Haha, Will, what must I sound like, eh? I bet you didn't call up expecting a counselling session to be on your hands like this. Anyway, what are calling me up for at 4am?!" The feigned light-heartedness of my voice sounded as empty as the box of tissues when you really need to sneeze; even to me.
Will knows not to push it when I don't want to talk though.
"Er...well, it's just that...er, I was playing a game earlier tonight; trying to name all of the states in America and there's a couple that I can't for the life of me remember."
We both knew what it was that he was dowsey-dowing away from...the little matter of marriage."
" Aw Will, don't be so silly," I came close to getting serious, "...You know I'm no good at Geography." I was close but I'm not all that keen on smoking so no cigar. I could have kicked myself if I hadn't been lying down rather comfortably.
"Come on Caitlyn." It sounded as though he was pleading with me for a lot more than just the name of a state or two.
" Do you have Nebraska? Or Tenessee?"
"Yeah, I have those but don't worry, maybe it'll work itself it?"
He definitely wasn't talking about states any more...that was one thing I knew.
I sighed audibly down the phone, "Will-"
He interrupted, "Caitlyn, can I see you? Dinner? Or what about lunch, or even coffee and that's not even a date; unless you want it to be..."
He trailed off sounding as though embarrassment didn't even come close to how he was feeling right now. The naivety of believing that Will hadn't changed struck me. I'd known him as a hard-faced, shameless young man...he was never embarrassed, not even when he should have been. Like that time he went skinny-dipping at night, forgetting where he'd put his clothes. He was fifteen. Of course, he grinned and bared the ice cold wind that winter in Britain treats you to...as well as baring everything else. No, embarrassed didn't begin to come close to how he sounded at all.
"I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow."
"Do you me to come with you?"
"Actually, yeah, I could really use the company, thanks Will."
Gradually, seeing my parents had become harder and somehow more awkward than ever before. Having somebody with me who I could really talk to might make a nice change.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow then Caitlyn?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then, bye Will."
"Love you, Caitlyn."
"...I love you too."
As the call disconnected, I knew I mean it; I did love Will.
God, I asked for a miracle and whether it's just a coincidence or plain good luck...or You...well, thanks. Yeah, thank you, that was...decent.