Saturday, 31 October 2009

where are you?

I really, really need you right now and i want you more than that. I love you so much. i don't think you understans that. i've told you so many times but did you hear me? i'm sorry, this is stupid. i'm so confused. I'M CONFUSED *dotcom*

are you listening?

do you get it now?


do you promise? say it.

i love you, do you understand me now?

Friday, 30 October 2009


Will and I were each other's worlds...ha, that sounded soppy. I mean that we were always together and hanging around with each other...until university. He moved to America. Apparently a year in the states looks great on you CV when you're getting experience for your Media Course. Thanks again Will, I could have really done with a mate that year.
I bought a calendar...the first time I'd ever bothered with one but I wanted to be able to cross off each day as it dragged itself by. Cross them out of my mind and my life. I'm not the sort of girl who keeps a diary, I'm not the kind of girl who wants to remember every day of my life. They say that good girls keep diaries and the bad girls never find the time. It's not that I don't have the time...I have too much and not enough to do to fill a diary with. If your main pass-time is counting the tick-tocks of a clock marking the mocking minutes that moan by then maybe you'd understand but until then you'll just know me as the loner-girl who's obsessed with wishing away the days of the year.
I had other friends. I slept over at their houses and they slept at mine. We discussed movies and books and whatever else was on our minds at the time. I loved sleeping over at their houses...getting out of mine always felt good. My sleepovers with them were never quite like mine and Will's though. Ha-that sounded a little provocative. It wasn't meant to...or was it...nah, I'm teasing, it wasn't meant to. Since Will's mum and my mum were always being called into school over our behaviour when we were younger, they saw a lot of each other and they always had something to talk about. Will and I. They became good friends so me and Will had play dates when we were younger. Since we were both about six we've been sleeping at each other's houses most's just what we do.
The first time I went over to his house to stay the night, he convinced me that the house was haunted and wouldn't turn the lights back on in his room when the sun had gone down. He stood himself in front of his bedroom door so I couldn't even get out onto the landing. It was pitch black but I could have sworn I could see the headless zombie that he'd been taunting me about.
"Will, please put the light back on, please!"
"Caitlyn, you've got to brave if you want to stay the night."
"William Vale! Stop being mean, maybe I don't even want to stay."
"Aw, Caitlyn, don't get upset."
"I'm not upset!"

I gurgled that last line through a choking sob...Will stopped seeing the funny side. He left the light off but wandered over to me and put on his little night light by the edge of the bed. The room was illuminated with stars glowing orange and yellow. Will sat me on the edge of the bed and held my hands, he moved them around him and then brought his own arms around me. I sobbed into his chest and he rested his chin on my head. We were both just six but I felt that he was so much older and grown up than I was just then. He comforted me. Not just that though, he made comfortable. I didn't have to be anyone but Caitlyn Morag when I was with Will. He took my good, bad and down right ugly sides and made me feel on top of the world no matter what.
Anyway, since that night, we'd always slept in the same bed on our sleepovers. That first night I was too scared to sleep on my own in my little sleeping bag so i climbed into bed with him and he just cuddled me close and told me that if anything bad came then he'd put on his cape and fight it because he had super-hero powers. I asked what they were. He told me that when he put his cape on, he could fly.
"What good is being able to fly?"
"I could drop stuff onto the Zombie's head."
"You said that the Zombie was headless."
"I mean that I could drop stuff onto the Zombie's stump."
"Once he's knocked out then I could take you flying with me."
"I can't fly."
"That's okay, I'll hold your hand and then I'll be able to take you to heaven and back with me."
"Okay, thank you Will."

In the morning he said that I needed to get a hair cut because my hair kept getting in his face when had been cuddling me the night before. Since then, I've worn my hair in pigtails in bed...that way it's out of his face and it's always crimply when I let it out in the morning.
Maybe it seems weird for two teenagers of the opposite sex to sleep in the same bed when they have no romantic entanglement but it was so right with me and Will. That's just what we did.

I missed Will. That year went really slowly. I didn't have anyone to hold me or wipe my tears when I cried or share my sighs or laughs with. I had no one to understand my jokes either. I'm not funny. I don't claim to be but I like telling jokes...Will always grinned at my jokes. Maybe it was more that he thought that me trying to be funny was a laugh rather than my jokes actually being any good but his support always made me grin.
I went through three black marker pens that year. Maybe they wouldn't have run out so soon if I'd just crossed the days of that calendar out but I had coloured square in completely. Each day gone looked like black hole forming in my year. All of my days without Will nothing but empty darkness. Yup, that year really did last a long time.

Caitlyn! Hi from the States!
I'm coming home soon...I make it one week and 2 days actually. Not that I'm keeping count. Fancy doing something when I touch back on home ground?
Love, Will

Of course I wanted to do something with Will. I'm not one for making big plans, I'm more the sort of person to live by the philosophy of live for the moment and just take what life throws at you. Lucky for me, Will knew how to make plans! He took me and the rest of our, "crew" our for dinner. I sat beside him at the table and whilst every one else conversed casually over wine and gourmet French cuisine, Will and I laughed about all of the things he'd done on his media mini-course. We had burgers, fries and coke and we ate with our hands. Did we give a moment's thought to the snooty, gutter-snob waiters? My arse did we! If they didn't fancy a tip then being rude to us was their own choice and let them live with it! The others left at about 11pm but Will and I had so much to talk about. Apparently, his course instructor had made him make a music video on the budget of $20! and he had to take the best photograph he could to sum up Colorado. He took a picture of a pigeon. He explained that although Colorado was beautiful, he found beauty in the pigeons because they reminded him of his home back here in London and that no matter how far you are from home, there are always little reminders around to comfort you.
We were eventually asked to leave at 1am. We walked arm in arm back to my apartment. He was singing so I had to elbow him in the ribs to shut him up. I didn't want to wake Hetty, my room mate. Will mock "shhhh"ed at me and I narrowed my eyes. We tumbled into bed together still our clothes and just as he had when we were six he cuddled me close. And insisted that I had to put my hair back up in pig tails. I did. I was just glad to have Will back again.

Thursday, 29 October 2009


Turns out James really was far from nice. I walked into school the next day to a chorus of "like a virgin..." from James and all of his friends. He'd told everybody. Absolutely everybody. I was mortified, he'd made me feel special, so very fucking special but to him; I was just another shag.
Needless to say, but i will anyways, James and me didn't exactly last as a couple.

So, I turned back to my best friend. The girls were sweet but they didn't get me, they just kept telling me that I deserved better and that I was too good for James and that there were plenty more fish in the sea. He was different, my best friend always knew how to talk to me and what would cheer me up, he told me that he'd castrate James for me when he next got the chance. What else are best friends for? As far as I'm aware, James still has both of his bollocks but the thought of his castration really did cheer me up. Dang, he was a great friend. The best. Where there was a Will there was a way and since Will was always there for me, I always got through fate's practical jokes and felt stronger for it on the other side.
One day, fate came and meddled with Will and introduced him to Sophia, some new student who'd been transferred from Italy. I wasn't jealous. No, I was 17, mature and most definitely NOT jealous at all. Not even a little bit. It's just that she was a cow. Will couldn't see it; love being blind and all that but the conniving little bitch was evil through and through...and I didn't just think that because I was jealous. Because I wasn't jealous. Obviously.
Will seemed to be there for her more than me then. He gave her special looks in class. She held his hand. They whispered to each other when they hugged. It was gross. They were only 17 and they were acting as thought they'd been in love for ever and ever, amen, when they'd been dating for all of about five minutes. He sent me emails and texts and called me from time to time but when he was going out with Sophia, all of his contact felt sort of rushed and forced, as though being my friend was compulsory...I told him so.

"Look, if saying hi to me once in while instead of clinging onto that slut is too much effort for you then don't fucking bother, ok?"
"Hey, don't call Sophia a slut. Where is this even coming from? We've been best friends for something like 12 years, can't you just be happy for me?!"
"This is all about you, it's always about you for fuck's sake. I'm trying to be happy for you but it's kind of hard when you never take my calls and you're always off with her. what about me huh Will?? You've known her for...a year? One year?! We've known each other all of our lives, doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"Jesus, Caitlyn! You're acting like that five year old I argued about dinosaurs with! What's up with you?! I haven't got time for this rubbish right now, I'm going out with Sophia. Call me or email me or something when you get yourself some fucking sense, okay?"
"What good will me calling or emailing do when you're never there to take my calls and you never reply to my emails?"
"Just leave it Caitlyn."

So I did. I left it. For near on two years I didn't speak to him. I didn't acknowledge his birthday and he didn't mine either. I crossed his name off of my Christmas-card list; literally, I remember double striking through it and then cross-hatching over it until all of the letters bled into one ugly black-biro smudge. For two years I held my breath when I passed him in school and slapped my own hand when I reached for the phone with him in mind.
I can't remember, how, why or even when it really happened but one day, I woke up and I wasn't angry anymore. All of the frustration that I'd been carrying around with me, those hurtful, heavy feelings had evaporated and I felt good for it. I looked in the mirror and had to stop from the shock of what I saw. My face wasn't crumpled into some kind of hideous scowl...I was smiling. The first morning in too long to remember that I actually woke up in a good mood. My heart swelled with happiness but then I remembered Will. I'd wasted two years of not laughing and living my life with him for what?! Because I was annoyed about him having a girlfriend? What was I doing? My stupid insecurity had meant that I'd almost lost my best friend. I hadn't even been there for him when he and Sophia broken up...turns out that the cow had to move back over to Italy with her family and she didn't want a long-distance relationship. I had to have him back in my life, I had to hear his voice and see his smile and feel his arms around me again.
Where there is a Will there is a way and luckily for me, fate agreed and granted Will back into my life.

"Caitlyn, it's alright, I understand that I'm absolutely irresistible and you were just jealous of Sophia."

I could have slapped him but I didn't. I was just glad to have my best friend back.

Neither of us had a date for prom. He'd not had another girlfriend after Sophia and I'd been far too busy, occupying myself with hating him to go looking for a guy I might like. We went together. He teased me about my dress and high-heels, used to seeing me in the uniform of jeans, trainers, hoodie I think he may have been surprised to find that I actually had a woman's body beneath it all...complete with curves and cleavage! I teased him about his tuxedo and bow-tie. Yes, it was indeed great to have my best friend back...even if he did look a little bit like a penguin. The other couples took it all so seriously, they gazed into each others eyes, slow-danced, held hands, kissed. Gag-gag, puke-puke. They were so envious of Will and I. We did the hand-jive and the macerana and that old classic...the cha-cha slide. We really tore up the dance floor that night and had such a laugh! Of course, the cool group, who'd been christened thus ever since Junior school, turned their noses up at our enjoyment but who cared? We had fun,we had by far the best prom photo out of everyone from the night (the most gruesome grimaces on the count of three) and we had each other. Yes, everyone else was consumed with envy of Will and I.
Who could blame them?

i gotta write this!!!

I just saw Nik. wtf?! argh!!
i live in i come into town a lot i was wandering around with my folks and there he was with one of his friends on his board looking awesome in that hat!!! how oculd i miss him in that hat?! goodness. i can hardly go and talk to him since he's not even replying to my texts. he's 22 and i'm nowhere near so he's not interested...obv...and i was all into accepting that everything happens for a reason but now this?! i go and see him again when I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since monday. fuck. this is lame like i can't even type all that cuz i'm so het up and jesus, wth is fate trying to effing say this time???


I'm gonna write some more of that story...see if i can calm myself down a little :o

Wednesday, 28 October 2009


So, things got a little different when we got a little older...I suppose that's just the way it is. I don't know why it is but perhaps not doting on it too much is for the best. Maybe I'll understand everything that I don't now once I'm dead. Or maybe not. I got my first boyfriend when I was 15. I thought I was so grown up. I guess I was wrong. Hell, I know I was wrong! I did some pretty stupid things. First off, this boyfriend of mine was 18 and he had one thing on his mind and that one thing was not getting a good education or anything else as benign. James. James Fletcher. Such an ordinary name, how was I supposed to know that he'd turn out to be a complete and utter creep? It began all flowers and chocolates, I love yous and you're beautifuls. I was young and impressionable, he was a good-looking older boy who spoke softly to me. He was my first love. Right, this is the soppy bit, come on, cue those violins...ready? Now that the atmosphere's set, he asked me over to his house one night; i knew what was coming, we'd been dating almost a year, he'd been really patient so far and of course, we were in love. I'll spare you the details but it was not magical and there were no fireworks. Despite all of James's big talk, he was pretty...small...if you know what I mean. Well, I'd finally rid myself of that pesky virginity and with a really nice boy too. Yeah, a nice boy.


" you fancy getting hitched?"
"...erm...why not? I haven't got much else planned although I am going to the cinema next week."
"How about the week after that?"
"I'll be washing me hair"
"All week?"
"I don't want to make you feel rushed or anything."
"No, no, it's not that it's just..."
"I know I'm being a bit forward and this may not have been the proposal that you've always dreampt of but if you agree to be my wife then I promise you the most beautiful wedding and a more beautiful life."

Well, I said, "I guess I'll think about it" I owe him at least that. He was always a sweet boy, I've known him practically forever. He was my best friend growing up, you know, the kind words on the other side of the phone, the open arms whenever I needed to be held, the smile to waft away the grey of my day.
We became friends in reception. I was five, he was four...we were colouring dinosaurs. He told me that mine must have been ill because I'd gone and coloured him in green. I smirk now, writing this, but at the time?
"He's not ill."
"I'm just saying he looks a bit ill."
"Dinsaurs can be green."
" You mean, the they could be green. They're extic now."
"You're wrong. You mean extinct...idiot.
"At least mine's the right colour."

We both remained very loyal to our own ideas being correct but our debate was brought to an end by the mouse who thought that she had some kind of actual authority over us. She was the class teacher. She's probably no taller than I am now, but she was a goliath mouse if I ever I'd seen one in reception. She sat us down together and squeaked an offering of cheese. Well, she didn't really but that's what I remember thinking would have happened. I told him exactly that. He remained stoney-faced in meeting with my remark...ever so mature as he was but it was he who suggested to me that the two of us bought her a wheel of edam for Christmas.
We bought the cheese...I somehow don't think that she was impressed... he'd taken it from his fridge that morning but we didn't give it to her until the end of school. It had sat in his school bag all day. Next to the radiator. Yum. Both of our mums were sent letters about our inappropriate behaviour.
We were bad, but dang was it good.
I loved those days. The hardest thing that happened was working out the difference between 12 and 21...and I don't mean the mathematical difference, I mean that I struggled to remember which way around the 1 and the 2 belonged. To be honest, my maths isn't a lot better than it was then but that's neither here nor there. If I ever felt that the world was ending then a hot chocolate and one of Mum's cookies would make me feel better. I'd be enemies with the plait-headed blonde one day but back to galloping around the playground with skipping ropes acting like horses with her the next. I loved those days, they were simple.
Junior school was a little harder, not quite adolescent so you can't blame hormones and no longer too young to understand why it's not wise to break all of the tedious rules of school. Not to mention the fact that boys weren't supposed to be friends with girls. Oh no, that was absolutely forbidden. Anyone found to break such a law would be cast out from society...or at least from the cool group anyway. But that was alright. We didn't need anyone else. It was him and me, me and him fighting crime and evil spies and ridding the world of the nasty, invisible entity known as Mr. Nobody. We pushed aside any of the kids trying to be our friends; as far as we were aware, they may have been Mr. Nobody's sympathisers. We were perfectly happy and content to play our silly little games because they were simple and fun. We'd have been so smart to have kept things that way...simple and fun.
Our teen years eventually reared their acne-ridden heads and gawked at us until we accepted that they were now us and not mere reflections. An acceptance that raised so many more unwanted pressures to face. I had to wear a bra and come to terms with my monthly doom...uh huh, I began my periods. It was difficult, battling with the woman that I was turning into. I was growing breasts and my womb was now requesting its acknowledgement. All of my childhood, I'd been one of the guys, a real tomboy. Now? Boys were looking at me.
He never did though.
And I didn't look at him either. We dated. Other people obviously. Our friendship circles widened and we took time apart from each other. I gossiped about boys with my girlie mates and he talked about whatever it is that horny teenage boys discuss with each other...a lovely thought, I'm sure you'll agree. But when we were together none of those trivialities bothered us. No amount of flower petals falling, calling "he loves me, he loves me not" could get to me when I was with him. I was fiveyears old again. Things were good. Simple and fun.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

2:20am in the morning....and we just made chicken toast

....or chinese chicken toast with cheese :D

Here's da recipe:

2 slices of wholemeal bread (one for each person)
2 helpings of chinese chicken
2 helpings of mature cheddar cheese

How to make:

1. Poke holes in your slice of the bread.
2. Toast each slice for 4 minutes.
3. Put helpings of chicken into the holes in the toast.
4. Put helpings of cheese on top.
5. Microwave if preferred, or just grab and eat!


Enjoy making your wonderful slices of chinese chicken toast!


Monday, 26 October 2009

from the bedroom ....of caroline ;)

...what happens in the group stays in the group...if you know what i mean :P
ARGH!!!! my horoscope came true early xD!! I met a lovely guy named Nik...he's amazing!! I got his number and i wore his hat xDDDD!!! *yay* and now i'm at Caz's...write summat caz...

i like toast
and kate is a sexy bitch :)
we will be flashing tonight... check us on msn HAHAHAMWAHAHA:D
HAHA, steve with the vomit jelly beanss, and wanking the puppets! Sound effects and all! xDD
xxx cazz

maybe more later but for now
love for the lovely
p.s me and nik are texting...he's 22 :S what should i do?? he's just gonna think i'm some dumb kid :(

Sunday, 25 October 2009

The what?!

"you know, the eye thing"
"that what?!"
"the eye thing"
"...the web cam?"

My technicalogically illiterate mother :D

write more later!
Love for the Lovely
p.s it tickles!

my horoscope reckons i have romance coming on tuesday and friday...hmmmmmm...

Saturday, 24 October 2009

I was very much mistaken :S

Turns out Pepper's a girl...she's slimmer than Bag Monkey so Ange says that she must be a girl. I guess she does look pretty feminine. I don't know where this, "obsession" comes from but it does no harm :) They're the TY Bongo monkeys and I love them very much. Minky was the first and she's been with me through some tough things. The others are just there for her benefit...she needs some company, right? I now have fifteen. oh yes. I was joking about them on the phone to Tommy last night but I reckon that when I'm married I actually will move them into my marital home...heh heh heh xD

I think i'm losing my voice. I can talk but it really hurts and whenever I do, I cough rather a lot so I'ma thinking that I may just give up on speech for a leedle while :)

I bought some funky socks.

I have a weird thing about socks :S I love new socks. These are odd-looking croched thingies in flecked green and purple wool but they are snug 'n' you never thought those words could work so well together...but i proved you wrong! mwahahahaha.

I'm a single lady, I'm a single lady, nanananana, nanananana.
la la la, la la la :P

I'm feeling fine and dandy :)

oooooooooooh, did anyone catch Friday night with Jonathan Ross last night???! It had one of my fave comedians of all time ever; Tim Minchin, on it :D He played a brand new and specially written for the occasion song called "five poofs and two pianoes" and his interview was brilliantly funny and then he did a piano and vocal duet with Jamie Cullam who was also appearing on the show. It was fan-fecking-tastic! look it up on i-player or youtube or something; it was wonderful!
I swear that I am in fact a little bit in love with Tim Minchin...even though he's married...with kids....and he's in his mid-thirties...:S a girl can hope :) He now lives in london so maybe i can go and stalk him :D which of course is a joke :)

hahaha, i convinced tommy that i was a lesbian last night :) i am brilliant. and ever so modest too.

ain't gonna lose, ain't gonna lose. and i'll sing it from my rooftop, sing it from the bus stop, sing it on the street drunk to a cop, oh i ain't gonna lose. no i ain't gonna lose you, ain't gonna lose, ain't gonna lose you.
^ain't gonna lose you by Brett Dennen. LOVE it! xD

Love for the lovely

p.s lovely song

Friday, 23 October 2009

oh goodness. there was so much that I wanted to say...

But now I can't for the life of me remember what :S

Half Term's arrived at last :)
I gots meself into a kerfuffle like 'n' i'm all perplexed 'n' junk :S

ah wells

it tickles

and junk

you raise me up

and stuff

and i'm gonna go watch the simpsons

ooooooooooh, ange got me another monkey!!!! He's called Pepper :)

*that's ange...and the monkey...:)*

Love for the lovely

Thursday, 22 October 2009

ohfiticantbebotheredthisissosullandtediousandineedarestandahuggoshicouldreallygoforahugrightnowpleasehug meiwantyouherewithmebutiknowthatitisnotokayandthatisalrightcuziwillbealrightsoonyouknowandyeahwhocaresreallytobehonestdoanyofthismatteridontknowirealltdontanymorethankgoditsfridaytomorrowendit

argh.your head. it's bleedin' like.

poor darling sweeeeeeeeet caroline who's forever looking mighty fine. fine 'n' dandy. may or may not be having her head stitched up right now :S there was an awful accident in which her head came into contact with a hockey stick at speed. there was blood. much blood. but dang is she brave! she smiled to reassure everyone and didn't cry even though there was blood dribbled over her face, down her arm and onto her leg. gosh, i hope she's alright. they said it wasn't too deep but she's gone to A&E anyways :(

Today was a long day. my days are so much longer than the nights, sometimes i wish i could do nought but sleep. sometimes just to pass the time. and it was so grey. so plain. so samey. i wish i could go somewhere new where every corner shows summat shocking. someone take me traelling. i really have to get away. living in the same routine for __ years is so very dull.

guess what? i'm not a lump. i thought i would have been since last time i weighed myself i'd been ill and off of my food but even after eating far too much of everything *especially toast...i've had a real thing for toast lately...* and doing about as much exercise as a sloth but alas, i'm still 8st. 7lb. goodness.
i'll always be shorter and wider than i'd like with limper hair and more flaws than i care for but that's okay...i reckon i'm alright with me now...For the first *no, not the first but the longest thus far* time i'm feeling content with my physical self.


erg. i have a history essay to write over half term. oh joy. oh rapture. what fun.
this is such an awful entry...i'm really not in the mood. i'm too tired to function. i was up late since i was at the theatre last night *i know, get me!* we saw, "an inspector calls" at the novello theatre in london. the theatre was gorgeous and the play was brilliant. It wasn't everyone's cup of tea or coffee or whatever floats your boat or li-lo but i rather liked it. the set was fantastic as was the acting and the i loved how the light intensity coordinated with the intensity of the emotion. it was fantastic. i wish i hadn't had to take notes because i'd have liked to just enjoy the piece but it was still good :)

Love for the lovelier than you could ever know

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

an update

I feel sick. alot of the time. for different reasons. i'm so tired. of so many things. but i know it's worth it. when you're trapped in the darkness, it's hard to see that you can ever get out and but as the cliché goes, the light at the end of the tunnel will show itself eventually and it'll guide you through. the light may come from the smile of a friend or a hug from your little brother or something silly that you hear on the radio. something little that has an impact beyond whatever you could have expected to just remind you that somethings are always gonna be hard but that doesn't mean that it's impossible.
i don't know if i'm making much sense tbh but at least you only have to put up with me some of the time, i'm stuck with me 24/7...oh joy, oh rapture xD

i feel so drained

i need sleep. much like one of mine matey mates dearest i plan on hibernating over half term. i need sleep. but first, i must complete my draft essay for english. fun. i'm gonna go so over the word count but i have a whole year to learn how to write more concisely so what the hey.

Love for the lovely, Switzerland signing out

Monday, 19 October 2009

Fright Night was fantastic

but when I got home I couldn't sleep properly. I felt cold and like i was still moving and all i could hear were the screams!! one memory calmed me down and finally allowed me to drift away into slumberland. it's a memory of a day in the summer holidays. if anyone actually guesses it correctly then i'll do them a favour of...pretty much anything. i know that you guys have dirty, one-track minds so i won't say that i'll do anything...just pretty much anything.
you'll never guess it. for as long as you live you won't. URGH history and english h/w. GROSS. it's actually personally offending me. VULGAR. I love saying that word, it feels sooo good. VVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvul-gAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr

Love for the lovely from Switzerland xD you needed to be there!

Saturday, 17 October 2009

My middle name's Verina

get me!
I finally got around to finding the meaning for it!!
it comes from the Latin, vera, meaning truth. So I have my first name, Katherine meaning pure and then my middle truthful.
Pure and Truthful.
It's so pretty I just really hope I can live up to it :S

Wired Up was pretty darn good yesterday, dancing around like some kinda loon on acid...infact my sobriety was questioned on more than more occasion...uh -oh...gonna get found out. which is a joke of course. i was very sober. just in a good mood. whenever I start typing good I get the urge to write goose...i don't know why.

I'm plannign on watching Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey tonight and I can't wait! I got both their Excellent Adventure and their Bogus Journey for my birthday but i know excellent adventure off by heart so Bogus Journey is the film of tonight! whoa! as far as i remember I've only seen it once and that was forever ago. they're such silly yet AMAZING films which remind me of when I was really little. LOVE it!!!
ARGH!!!! Thorpe Park Fright Night this Sunday, i've never been and it looks amazing and I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo excited!!

but back to today...I have latin, science, english and history homework to do and asides from the science which is a relatively little piece, the others are intent on devouring much of my time. erg. erg most truly and annoyingly. erg >:[ whenever I type that angry smiley I almost type this instead >:{ which is angry mastacheoed smiley xD!!!

WAHEY! *most epicly righteous and immense noise to ever come out of the math room ooooooooooooooh yeah*

My hair's bugging me. It's days like this when all I went to do is shave it off. but i know that i'd regret that. Even though I had a billion or more split ends I regretted trimming my hair a while ago since I missed it being reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaally long! It'll never be as long as I want it though. I saw a girl in Wales with fabulous natural red hair right down to her knees. goodness. absolutely gorgeous.


Love for the lovely
p.s 2932 words and i'm finished, i'm fecking finished and i'm so done with the roman military. latin is out of the way meaning i can make a start to the science and hisory *go me* xD donedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedone. i'm sooooooo proud of myself for getting it all done, now i have nothing to do next library lesson so i can munch my way through a good chunk of my book *book-worm as i am* i have an awful habit of reading 1 or two books at the same time. not know, actual same time just..yeah, i think you get it. i couldn't get back to sleep when i woke up at 7 ish this morning and didn't fancy getting up so i decided to re-read "where rainbows end" it's a sweet story and i love the way it's told through letters and emails and IM chats and texts and notes in class; it's brilliant. it's by ceceilia ahern and i love her writing style and think this is one of her best books. anyways, off to eat some chicken chow mein *oooooooooooh yeah* then get on with more h/w in prep for my day of leisure tomorrow *hazaaaaaaar* oooh, a phone call earlier really calmed me nerves, you know? i was a trembling bag o' nerves 'n' all but now i'm all calm 'n' tranquil like. tomorrow, tomorrow, i love you tomorrow, you're only a day away. i probably got that wrong, i don't know annie all that well, if you must know *oh, woe is me and such and all that jazz!*
And ALL.

I like the film version of chicago with catherine zeta jones and renné zelwegger in it, 'tis marvelous, glorious, triumphant, wonderous. gorgeous darlin', doncha know?

^long PS or what?!

Friday, 16 October 2009

HPV jab number 1!

i made it! yay!
It was an odd sensation to have a needle poking into my arm but that didn't really hurt for me and needles are somethign i'm okay with but now my left arm aches really badly and it hurts to lift up and even my top pressing on it makes it hurt :( it's not supposed to last all that long so i should be fine by tomorrow.

My hormones were whizzing around like something mental earlier but i feel a little more settled now...last fridays 'n' all that crud...
I need to buy scissors tomorrow, this is the fourth pair i've lost. i am useless. it's true. at keeping scissors anyway, i like to think that I don't entirely fail at absolutely everything there is in life.
"did you have an idea?"

OH! Tommy, i'm wrong again, school counsel is infact on tuesday and not thrusday as i thought. you were right, i'm wrong and am now tucking into a deliciously large helping of humble pie.
mmmmmmm scrumptious!
can't wait until sunday!!! a whole day doing awesome things with many, MANY awesome people. hazaaaaaaaaaar.

Love for the lovely
p.s just listen

Thursday, 15 October 2009


Yes, I'm well aware that forever isn't infact an actual unti of time, however, it does seem an appropriate expression as I've typed 1180 words and I still have LOADS left to do since i'm only on the thrid page and Mrs. whatsherface is expectin' 6 sides worth. goodness. oh lordi. xD

i got the giggle and laughed so much that my tummy ached today :S and i managed to tackle layla in football *go me!!* paige scored a bunch of times...she probably saved our team.

you see, i'm pretty good at a bunhc of things. things i can do. football...not so much :S ah well. not the end of the world :S

Love for the lovely

p.s sorry for my appalling spelling and grammar but i'm rushing

At schooooooooooooooool with ma homies!!!

Sup y'all 'n' all that jazz!!! how's it hanging and falling and dropping and...stuff... yeah.
It's the morning for chrissakes, i'm TIRED!!! so hush up ragging on me 'n' junk yeah innit and stuff.

Hey jenny! you appeared.

you're mad kaytei!

...well you can't really put anything that interesting in the morning
...tommy for the win...or the wolf you know? whatevvs really!

Caroline's looking mighty fiiiiiiiiiiine :D

Everyone's gonna think you're insane :O oh no!!!!!!!!!! argh and erg and errrrrrrrrrrrgonometry!

i think that's spelt with a "u"......

I've got a really bad cough- that's me! what?! omg shut up! NO!


you're a freak

Breast Cancer Awareness month and in all seriousness, check them!! perfectly serious request!! ladies, pay attention, look for discolouration and lumps and anything unusual.

coldplay are brilliaNT

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

:O where's Tea and Toast gone and disapeared to?

well, in short, it's been deleted, I may restore it in time but not until Anonymous tells me the truth. If this person isn't going to be honest with me then i refuse to go along with it any further. They started this about me but now so many other people have been dragged into it and that's not fair. Someone has a problem with me then I know how I can deal with it but when they begin to insult friends of mine and cause unecessary worry and anger amongst said wonderous people I don't think it's right at all. So, until further notice, Tea and Toast has been laid to rest....perhaps hibernation over Winter or perminent's all down to Anonymous. People go through a lot of crud from time to time so I won't go on about any of this or the slightly rash things you may have said (which to be fair, I have overreacted about). I'll bury the history in the past and leave it there so long as you start talking to me as yourself. I'm far more likely to listen to a friendly voice than an Anonymous randomer.

You have my email address. It's up to you.

On the bright side, I refuse to keep letting myself get down over nothing, the sun was shining today. It's October and pretty chilly but the sun shone. that's such a lovely thing. and i'm not feeling nearly as awkward as i was around robert :) and caroline's agreed to make love to me xD and louise has gotten together with Aaron awwwwww and well...some things aren't perfect. well, a LOT of things aren't but everyone knows my views on perfection so i shan't digress to much. I know i ramble but the point is that there are plenty more things in my life to be happy about than there are to be down about. I'm beginning to the libra i should be.

On the random side, i started my period a whole week early after robert asked me whether i was on or, this could be an odd coincidence or he's been doing some kinda freakish voodoo on me ARGH!!! :O


oooooooooh, I made the most amazing noise in math xD i made eloise LOL *literally!!!* she wrote fiberoptic tree on my arm in purple!!! and we sang the 12 days of christmas at lunchtime....i know that singing christmas songs when it's not christmas is supposed to be bad luck but honestly, when it's that much of a laugh to squawk out the lyrics, how bad can it be?? it made me smile so much that my jaw ached...just a lil bit. just a leeel bit. just a tad. a teeny bit. a tidbit. you know? I digress....

'twas an amazing noise, i've been bugging my mum with it for weeks xD she made me do it on camera on my birthday though...that was embarrassing. goodness.

you've got to lock it and load it and aim for the heart, spin it and flip it, rewind to the start, use it or lose it or give it away, tell me what do you think about that? you've gotta do whatever you want boy, you've gotta do whatever you pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase, you've gotta do whatever i tell you to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

^random song by a random group. "you've got to" by The Young Punx


erg, erlach. errrrrrrt. uuuuuuuuughie. my math teacher's really been grating me; he's all for manners *fair do's* but then he refuses to talk to us about the homework issue and gets so het up about the tiniest things. ERG.
^ERG's not referring to Miss Elin Rihanne *sorry if i've spelt that wrong but it's welsh and i'm a dumdum* of G althought those do be her initials, no my dear friends, 'tis a highly regarded noise of utter disdain, ERG. if you know me, you'll know i do say it so very often. i hope mine darling elin dearest's well. she was not in school today :'( bunches of people have had colds lately and she has had a throat infection but i think it's to do with her sleep problems. :( sucks. and blows...and swallows. not elin, i mean the situation. of course. ahem. no, seriously, the situation sucks, that's all!!! Erg, i digress.

even i get bored of me

what am i trying to say? i loev love love, switching off, what a sweet song. :) i got cast of thousands by elbow on sunday and have been playing it very much of late.

Have a good rest of the day and a better tomorrow

Love for the lovely
p.s yesterday, cottonmouth cuz my mouth and throat were really dry, still are a bit :S but ah wells.

Monday, 12 October 2009

man am i tired i? i dunno. no that's stupid, i am tired and my hands are cold and dinner's ready so this is a short one.




apparently people know but i don't have a clue and i'm so tired. erm...where was i going?? i need food. chilli con carni mmmmmmmmmm sparkling champagne. let there be love and all that jazz. i felt better than i have in while today. 12 days and counting but i'm feeling better, and don't y'all just know it like yeah, innit and all that jazz?
cottonmouth. i swear that's a song i used to know but i can't remember. i wrote that this that this that this that this that this morning and it looked all wrong...or maybe it was yesterday. i wrote remember and it looked so weird. it was last night! i flicked back to the page on my birthday and then wrote about remembering something. i wrote that i intend to laugh, love and LIVE whilst i stil can because life's too delicate. i've not been sticking to that too much lately but rest assured, i shall. i shall i shall. and yeah. erm. i'm tired.

seeeeee yooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu tomorrow


Saturday, 10 October 2009


theys be in lurv, how sweet!! they goin' out y'all 'n' stuff 'n' junk 'n' all that which is jazziful and or not but could perhaps one day come to be a figment of such a kind which may in fact resemble the prior or latter or neither or either or none or t'other or...I digress.

i intend on sending an email to myself at some point, it's become tradition to write an email time capsule thingy and send it to myself to be received upon my next birthday. if my counting's correct, my next birthday shall be in...251 *?!* more days...but i'm crap at math so trust in god and not me. yeah, in my last one I asked whether I did alright on the english h/w that I spent so much time worrying about and I can't even remember doing it so what's the point? maybe that'll be my new year's resolution; stop agonizing over every single darn thing that comes to my attention. is it too early to be making resolutions? nope. if you wanna change, do it. just go for it. DO IT!!!

i'm getting my hpv jab in 6 days, can't wait. cervical cancer has a history in my family so it's actually really important for me to get it :D

How is it that I can spend so much time doing nothing and talk but not say anything? hmmmmmmmm. yeah, i don't get me either. it's alright. you're in the majority 'n' all that jazz.

i reckon i'm gonna call tommy later, i fancy a chat :)





Two weeks until half term and we all know what that means, don't we children?! mmm hmmm and no getting carried away of any sorts shall occur!!! so no worries or anything. I'm far too tired to be typing, i guess i'm not the typing kind. not that i'm muhc better at fighting tbh. gosh, i'm tired.

right, i'm off before I start writing even more nonsensical crud than this.

Love for the lovely!!

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Twist it, Lick it, Dunk it *WINK WINK*!!

"I thought a period was something delivered by post..."


I'm feeling very much better today MIMIMIMIMIMIM xD
oooooooooh jaaaaaaaaaaaa. just wish that Anonymous would realise that from time to time everyone says silly things that they change their mind about later. :S oh well. if they so desire to waste their time preaching at me then so be was my fault for saying it to begin with i guess :S

I couldn't open my locker this morning. The door was jammed shut and I don't even know why but I started crying. I felt so silly afterwards but I couldn't help it :S My hormones are all over the place and it's horrid. I cried in front of two teachers and my friends and I don't know why. I can't stand being a teenage. seriously, I couldn't open my locker. that was it. hmmmmm


ooooooooooh, poor Will is dreadfully ill once again :S awwwww, i do so hope he is well soon. *see, i gave his name a capital letter cuz it bothered him when i didn't before, aren't I lovely?*

I watched I great film last night called The Hole...I shan't tell you all about it because my hands are cold and i find it hard to type when they're cold :S and if I did then I'd give away loads of spoilers and there'd be no point in watching it! just a word of advice, do not watch right before bed...not a good idea...

Love for the Lovely

p.s almost forgot, I was bitten signs of turning vampiresque yet...

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

why don't you bite your tongue next time, hmm? wouldn't that be best for anyone. idiot.

Monday, 5 October 2009

one stupid promise and now i'm here.

i don't want to do this. but a promise is a promise.
oh joy. oh rapture.
derelict days.
dust and a gust and smoke in my eyes, burn me up, let go of my thighs and stop holding tight there's rain no sun, might as well be night. blacken. blackening. blackened. beguile me, see if there's a difference. bewilder and stun and startle and no change will be made visible. it's not ok but it's not the end so that makes it better? and where were you? i needed you and i didn't know where to look. I saw the light but it was grey. I felt the path but lost my way. the maps are torn and tearing me too. there's no where to turn so what should i do?do you have any answers?does my asking make a difference?can you hear me?i can barely hear myself.

some times i just want to leap but i won't. a promise is a promise. tomorrow has to be better. it's a tuesday. everyone knows that tuesdays are better than mondays so tomorrow will have to be better. i think. well, i hope.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

what am i doing?

I've taken an overdose twice in less than a month and it doesn't even make sense. I'm a young girl with maybe eighty years left to do whatever i want in and throwing it all away and I can't begin to think why. I've been upset but so have a lot of people. I really need to get a grip of myself and stop being I have to grow up or i really will find myself in a lot of bother and sooner rather than later. I haven't had a boyfriend since the beginning of April and i reckon that's a good thing really. I have to be okay with myself before I can expect anyone else to be and I need to focus on getting better before i can put any energy into a relationship. I have my entire life to find someone that i love and who loves me. Everyone gets burned from time to time and my time's now but I'll get better. All wounds heal eventually. Some scars may be left behind but in the end we no longer feel them.

Insight is stolen,
Save for the static in the air.
Beads of grey swollen,
Blinded, still but without any care.

Black and white rush by,
Hot or cold I no longer know.
Ink spirals the sky,
White hot coals or soft freezing snow?

The ilk it spreads now,
Certainty still will not tell you.
Times stops you ask how?
Colours a blur; grey and your blues.

It dances and skips,
There it grows; static in the air.
Trace over your lips,
Question throws static in the air.

Asphyxiate me,
No pain nor anguish will scream real.
Static's all I see,
No torment or torture, I feel.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Gosh, i feel awful...well, not completely :S

I haven't slept properly in about a week. I awake at 5.34 *or thereabouts* every morning and, convinced that i'm about to throw up, rush into the bathroom. I cat-nap until it's time to get up; scrolling nonsense into old books and skim-reading pages i've read a thousand times before. I can barely eat and my head won't stop spinning. this is odd. i cough a little but my throat doesn't hurt. sometimes it hurts to breathe; like pressure around my chest and back. i just feel really weak and tired.
but asides from the physical rubbish, i'm feeling pretty good, you know? as long as i don't spend too long thinking about the same one thing for too long, i'm alright. so i plug myself into my iPod and turn it so loudly that I can't hear the screaming in my head. it's a bit odd when it's something peacefullike jack johnson as opposed to something intended to be played lously like Nickelback. ah well. At least i don't have too much homework this weekend, I'll get time to finish my book and drown into anotherand I think i should be able to finish painting the blue elephant at last. 11 shades of blue so far...i think. i was singing along to some random songs yesterday so I can't really remember where I got up to. Ange says that the elephant's eyes are funny. funny how? they make me laugh, that's how. hmmmmmmmmm. not appreciated.
People keep saying that my hair looks different. I cut about 4" off about a week ago and i've taken to putting it back with an alice band to keep my gosh darned fringe *which refuses to grow* off of my face. I can't see through my left eye properly which makes reading in english hellish when i've my fringe down. lame. like a llama. except llamas aren't lame. apart fromt those which technically are. of course, geez. btw, geez is not a blasphemous term. I thought for a while that it was shortened from Jesus and was in the same league as using God's name in vain. and whilst I'm not christian, I'm also not in a position that I feel the need to insult those who are. anyways, geez is shortened from Gee-whizz. so there. xD

I'm in the library and someone little's looking over my shoulder, aw, she's a sweet kid...maybe 4 or i prefer to type her cuz the adults section upstairs is far too quiet.

Good morning son, i am a bird, wearing a brown polyester shirt. you want a coke? maybe some fries? the roast beef combo's only $9.95. it's okay, you don't have to pay, i got all the change. everybody knows it hurts to grow up. and everybody does. it's so weird to be back her. let me tell you what. the years go on and we're still fighting it. we're still fighting it. we're still fighting it. and you're so much like me. i'm sorry.

^love that song!! Ben folds "still fighting it" i love him actually, really talanted. listen to "jesusland" by him. awesome.

anyways, my hands are getting cold, i reckon i'm a get going now.

another great song

Friday, 2 October 2009

erg and such 'n' stuffs and all that is jazz-i-ful and aso that which is not and i'm a-rambling again, ain't i?!

Everybody already knows about this blog so it does nay matter where i write whatever it is that I feel such a need to. I've been kinda ill for about a week now...or longer...kind of on and off. I thought i was gonna puke this morning *thought i'd share that with you because i'm generous* and i've been right off of my food. I turned down lasagne last night. LASAGNE!! it's my fave and I couldn't eat it. I didn't even have any of ange's special birthday cake. and in the evening I ate what I'd left from the night before's dinner. This morning, all i could handle was 1/3 of a weetabix and for lunch half a sandwich. I've eaten some quiche and mashed potato and beans at dinner but now i feel quite ill :S
Anyways, where was i getting to with all of this?
ah yes, i weigh 8st. 7lb.!!!! argh!!! that's 8 1/2 stone! that was my goal to lose weight. I hadn't weighed myself in over a month before today *that's really good, i went through a phase of weighing myself about 3 times a day, everyday. not good* and I'm 5ft 4" so that mean's my bmi is *just finding out, hang on a sec* 20.4!!! ARGH!!! i can't remember the last time it was that little...maybe 2 or 3 years ago?! wow.
No doubt i'll put it all back on again once my appetite catches up with me. I was given so much chocolate for my birthday and as I've told many people already, I shall be waddling for all of my flab by christmas!! great.
gosh, "you're all things bright and beautiful kayte." *smug* you shouldn't say such things, you know my head shall swell! tommy, you really cheered me up on the phone last night. you're so amazing.
today was good. yes, it was. i told you that I and things will get better. I and they always do. I and they have to.
gosh, my hands are freezing :( urgh, it's getting to the time of year when i have to wear gloves to type!!