Saturday, 28 November 2009


I didn't have the energy to tell you the story concerning Richard, far too many long island iced teas, a dance competition....and Tommy. I still don't feel particularly enthusiastic to disclose it now but Tommy's reply to my email appears to be signposting me in that direction. Lucky me.

to caitlyn, bad luck, pal!
i heard they were geting wedded. an awful match, if u ask me. gosh, can u imagine what their children would look like? holy makes me want 2 cry, it really does. but seriously, nicole's a bitch. reminds me of someone from my old school, though, oddly enough. can't possible say why...what was his name? but anyway, i'm rambling agen. soz. u know, coffee goes as cheap as a kitkat down here in california, it gets 2 ur head. probs not helping, am i? well, u asked for my advice, here it is. if u really love him like we all think u do, then you've got to tell him. before the wedding, preferably. (Seriously, if you stand up in the middle of the wedding and seronade him, I'm calling social services) (Oh, and don't bloody tell him on his aniversary. or his honeymoon, either...jesus christ) know, you should probably tell him right now. face 2 face. call him, make the arangements, meet him in town or something. then empty your heart on him. tell him how you feel about him, that's everything, and then see his responce. better he at least knows. if he ditches Barbie-Bitch and takes you, then all's solved. if he tells you a no....well. at least you know you tried. better to at least give it one last shot. u can't go down without a fight, caitlyn! remember what i taught you? in amsterdam last year? (i still can't believe you won that dance-off)...anyway. remember these words of wisdom! Many a man has fallen for a woman in a light so dim he wouldn't have chosen a suit by it...Uhm...if you reverse the roles slightly, i think you get the message. make sure you're certain before u take action. consider it, long and long and hard and hard! That's all from me, i need more coffee. cheers, and good luck.

Amsterdam. Damn them. Richard poured drinks in me whilst Tommy convinced me that I was Ginger Rogers reincarnated. It was our gap year and thanks to all of the late nights and copious abundance of alcoholic beverages (cheers again, Richard!) I now have rather a large gap in what I'm able to remember from that year. I'd always been keen on dancing but preferably on my own or in the dark where no one can see what goes on when my hips start shaking and my feet start tapping to the crazy tunes the DJ's bang out.
I was spinning and kicking and throwing my arms all over the place and as if that wasn't already bad enough, the drinks kept flowing and the music grew louder in an attempt to drown out the cheering the the on lookers spectating the dance contest. I say dance contest but really...well...
I decided to climb up onto the bar which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in 4 inch stilettos and I skin tight mini skirt but it was not my fault. It was Richard and Tommy's faults. I slipped on a drink spillage on the bar and landed on a martini glass...I still have to scar from where the broken glass slashed my skin. I had to go into A&E but the club's owner gave me the title of Dancing Queen of that night. I had won. Oh yes. Although...I do have a slight tinge of the beginning of a sneaking suspicion that this was merely to stop me from suing.

I still won.

Maybe I drank more than one bottle of wine the night that I'd written the email to me friends...Tommy seemed to have gotten the wrong end of the stick about Will's wedding plans just as Caroline had. That wasn't as surprising as his new location in the world though. Throughout school he'd talked about moving over to California and once he'd left he'd gone travelling with a girl I used to know from when I was younger...I can't quite remember her name but I'm glad they ended up together, everybody always said that they were marriage material for each other. Gosh, what was she called? Karen, Kassie...Kayleigh? I dunno...something like that anyway...
I'm still mad at Tommy for the dance contest all those years ago but he did hold my hand when I stayed over night at the hospital getting my thigh stitched up and he did offer to kiss the scar better but I told him that it was quite high up on my thigh and that that would have been a little inappropriate. He's always been a sweetie though. He's over in America trying to persue his acting carreer right now, he's been in soap operas and dramas but he's really looking to find himself a big break now in a movie...preferably opposite some gorgeous girl.
he'd gotten his wires a tidbit crossed in his reply but he'd heard that Will was getting together with Nicole as it couldn't have just been me overreacting then. I'd really, genuinely found myself convinced that Nicole was once again marking Will as her territory like the bitch she was, maybe I should have just spoken to Will like a grown up instead of coming to my own conclusions from rumours.
His reply forced me to think. Everybody knows how much i despise thinking for myself.
I love Will. The more I think of it the more obvious it seems to me that I should already have made up my mind about his proposal.
They always say that when you're in love you just know. So why am I still so unsure about all of this?

Sunday, 22 November 2009

i'm your sorry ever after.

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Early morning this morning

But I got it, didn't I?? xD I really want that to be the end of it now.

anyways, i've only got 12 more minutes *in the library and time's running low* but I just wanted to tell you that My lovely mate Lolly hung Ken *as in the ken and barbie dolls* because she thought he was evil. hahahaha, even then she knew that all men are bastards. tee hee. nah, i'm kidding, i've got some pretty awesome male friends but I do also know some guys I'd rather I didn't tbh....:S

I hope you like the latest offering of my story. I'm pretty pleased with it :D I'm still trying *and failing* to come up with a name for it so any offerings would be much appreciated!! I'm gonna write Tommy's chapter next saturday cuz I can't see myself getting time again before then but this last one that I've written featured Robert and was certainly interesting to write...he'd given me a lot to think about in his response so that was useful. *yay* Please check it out. I think this girl's done good...finally.
*seven minutes*
I hope Summer's okay...five minutes to midnight...i know that feeling, trust me :)
errrrrrrrrrm, i reckon that's about everything I gotta say right now, enjoy the story!

Love for the lovely


"The things about the rat-race is that, even if you win, you are still a rat."

I had to learn that the hard way but from a great teacher. Robert and I had always had a somewhat turbulent friendship. We could natter about nothing or discuss things that really did matter but we were and still are two very different people with different views and different dreams. I just hoped that after five years... really? Five years, how did that happen? Well, I guess I hoped that maybe things would have been better. Hope's a cruel feeling. Full of the promise of good to come; Hope parades into your life; offering itself as the only life-line, a beacon of goodness in the future yet to reach you. Hope always lets you down, no matter how much faith you put into him he'll turn his back as soon as things get too tough.

Robert was the third response. His first words to me after five long years of silence. I'm somewhat surprised he still remembered me if the truth be told.

I thought you'd given up talking to me after that little incident we have. I can't say anything, you just get on with your life and I'll get on with mine. it was, after all, you who said we should never talk again. Or maybe you're just hypocritical? Either way, I don't give a shit.

No, "hi" and not even a sign of his name. A seemingly subtle but blindingly obvious indication to me that Robert didn't know what to say to me and cared even less...that and the fact that he'd told me, "i don't give a shit" that's always a bit of a clue.
Robert and I were, "two sides to the same coin" that's what Mum always told me. Different yet far too similar. We were highly ambitious and made everything a competition. It started with small things like grades at school but, as I so very often tended to, I went and took it too far.
We share a past which is so full and dramatic and exasperatingly crammed with emotion that we had nothing left for any kind of future together. We were drifting, floating and fading further from each other with each passing day. For so long it had been the wrong of our relationship that had made it feel so right but it wasn't real. It was just a facade. We were no good for each other. I can't remember who saw it first but the wall we'd put up around us was growing wasn't cracks in the walls or flaws in the foundations. One day we both realised it was built out of playing cards and so fragile it was tumbling around us.
We'd always argued but they were fun arguments. We teased each other and made little jabs because we could understand the joviality behind it. Then one day we couldn't. Our silliness became snide, our words wounding and even our voices viscious.

"Why do you do that?"
"...Do what?"
"Flirt with every guy in the room."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not the first to notice it. I protested your innocence for so long but now it's so obvious. Caitlyn, some of these guys have girlfriends you know."
"Yes. I know."
"So what do you think you're playing at then?"
"Robert, listen, this is a party, everybody is joking around and having a little fun, is there anything wrong with that?"
"Fun? You're throwing yourself at anyone and everyone even glancing in your direction."
"What does it even matter to you? It's my life, am I hurting you in some way?"
"I'm trying to look out for you, you're drunk and you're making a fool of yourself. Do you really want some bastard to take advantage of you."

I grew aware of the slurr in my voice and even as I was speaking I wasn't quite believing the deceptions of my own lips.

"I don't know. Maybe. It's be a hell of a lot more of a laugh than standing here with Mr. Too-Frigid-For-Fucking-Words."

I regretted what I'd said even before the twinkle in his eyes dimmed. Somehow the words, heavy with venemous anger, kept spilling from my open mouth.

"Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Grow a pair you prat. You think you're looking out for me? I'm 22 for god's sake. I don't need looking after."

I wanted to stop. Robert's face had clouded cold and blank. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I wanted to show him that I was independent, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to hurt him. I grabbed the first guy who passed us by, he was a randomer from university that I'd maybe said, "hi" to once or twice. I didn't know his name, I didn't want to. I kissed him hard and with purpose. It was the worst kiss of my life; almost agressive with no heart at all. He wasn't holding me warm and secure he was groping all over me. He tasted of alcohol and cigarettes. I felt sick. Sickened by him and sick with myself.
I turned back to Robert. I stared him defiantly in the eye as if to say "See." I think Robert understood immediately.
"I see. Fine. If that's how you want to live your life then fine, Caitlyn. Goodbye."

He walked away from me.

"Go on. Turn your back and walk away. See if I give a damn. Don't ever speak to me again."

I spat those words after him and until today I'd never been sure of whether he'd heard that last part.
I'd won the race but I was still a rat.
I guess that after five years I was hoping for him to see my cry for help as an olive branch. No such luck.
Hope'll offer you comfort for five minutes but he'll leave you before the sun even rises.

Friday, 20 November 2009

Thursday, 19 November 2009


I'm a dum dum dummy but life's not over and face-painting was really rather grand today.
awwww, tommy looked so darn pretty...sorta drag-queen-ish but ah wells. R. WELLS EXISTS!!! ty on that one elin :D
according to someone in Tommy's family...i'm his, "lass" *quizzical raised eyebrow look!!! xD*
I was just on the phone ot Tommy and he said something silly and then said, "sorry, you can slap the phone"

so i did.

and it died.

I called back straight away bit he thought that i'd gone and hung up on him. eeek.


i don't feel like raving...or dancing for that matter; i don't feel like dancing, dancing *some lyrics that I don't know* dancing, dancing *or something along those lines*

So...helped to raise money for children in need today; always a good thing :D

i really don't want to dedicate another moment of my mentally pondering over the sheer cruddiness of my physics and biology exams today :S
i had some stuff on my mind. great. but only my fault, so i can't complain.

...just wait until it all blows up...things always get worse before they get better...isn't that the way? hmmmmmmm

i can't stop writing in italics which is annoying. ah wells. R WELLS xD love it!!

i did rather fancy sharing something with you but i now can't for the life of me think what so i reckon i may just tuck myself into bed and away with slumber. I started a new book on the weekend; 'tis called "second chance" by Jane Green and I'm really rather enjoying it actually. I've not read a great deal yet but it's sweet...fairly sad in parts but laugh out loud funny at other points. I hate marcus...he's so mean to holly. poor holly. she loved tom, you know? he died in a terrorist attack :( i love how it's written, it's third person predominantly but there are also lil ol' insights into the characters' minds like soliloquies in drama methinks. I'm tired.


ooooooooooooh, robert gave me my newspaper from germany today. hazaaaaaaaar! xD

Love for the Lovely

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

eejit eejit eejit

I only blame me,
I am an utter eejit,
A stupid mistake.

^^trying to convey a point in haiku is hard...well, i got myself into trouble by doing something idiotic and i feel horrid. how clever.
i'm making a sign for face painting right now cuz i'm helping with it tomorrow for Children in Need. then i'm off to revise, i intend on doing reasonably well and Oxford and Cambridge are looking for A's and A*'s in pretty much everything and I like to keep my options open, you know?

Love for the Lovely

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Okay so i found this on Robert's blog...



Love, love, love it!!! *Cue Harvey's "love-it" face xD*

goodness, i've not written properly in a while, have i? :(

I would so like to yell pauca somewhat intriguing aspects of MY LIFE at you but i'm gonna go stuff my face with ice cream of the mint-chocolate chip *my fave*'s been melting for about ...25 minutes so far :S i'm busy uploading thingies onto my iPod.

ergle. 29/35. not pleased.
if i can scrape an A i'll cry with happiness and in the almost inevitable certainty that i get less than that i shall cry with great pain and sorrow and anguish and all that jazz. Although, i'm a bit of a i get A* then i will not stop ONE PERSON RAVE-ing for a full half hour and you can hold me to that :D
"i'm feeling like a monday but someday i'll be saturday night"
^^love it xD rock on Bon Jovi
\../ <(-_-)> \../

Love for the Lovely

where should i start...hmmmmm?

It's roughly 8.30 and i feel as though i may or may not just pass out imminently *probably spelt that wrong:S* My chest feels really heavy and it hurts to breathe in.

Monday, 16 November 2009

burn me burn burn me burn me burn burn burn

Instead of answers, it's full of i don't know's. The searching continues with nowwhere to go.

I've had bad days. Good ones too but those don't help me convey the point i'm trying to, my bad days; i've seen things that i hope no one else will have to. I've felt so close to the edge that i can feel the ground slipping from beneath me.

Not once have I felt God.

They told me that when you've hit rock bottom, you'll feel him. God is there for you. He wasn't there for me. He didn't call me to see how i was or put his arm around me or hold my hand when i was scared. God was not there.

I don't care about any kind of "proof" there is that God doesn't exist. I don't feel him and that is all the proof I need.

I'm sorry.

that's the way it goes i suppose.

I go a Bonjovi Bonjovi :) *grin grin*


Love for the Lovely

Hey remember the time when I found a human tooth down on Delancey
Hey remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth
Hey remember that time when my favorite colors were pink and green
Hey remember that month when I only ate boxes of tangerines
So cheap and juicy, tangerines

Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare
Hey remember that other time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes
Hey remember that time I tried to save a pigeon with a broken wing
A street cat got him by morning and I had to bury pieces of his body in my building's playground
I thought I was going to be sick, I thought I was going to be sick

Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Parliaments
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Marlboros
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Camels
Hey remember that time when I was broke
I didn't care I just bummed from my friends
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

Hey remember that time when you od'ed
Hey remember that other time when you od'ed for the second time
Well in the waiting room while waiting for news of you I hallucinated I could read your mind
And I was on a lot of shit too but what I saw, man, I tell you it was freaky, freaky

"that time" by Regina Spektor
p.p.s ange did shrooooomageismness 'n' all that jazz xDDDD
...that's a joke btw...

Sunday, 15 November 2009

mmmm hmmmm

Dumps like a truck truck truck...

damn i love her.
check her other things too.
v. cool.

errrrrrrrrm, i had a bunch of crud i wanted to say but my min'd now as blank as my yet to be started latin homework *yay go me* xD

missed jedward last night :'( woe is me.
ah well. they HAVE to go out this week.

ARGH!!!! DR. WHO TONIGHT :D ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH XDDDD love it :) *cue Harvey's "love-it" face!!*


Love for the lovely

Saturday, 14 November 2009

"She had dumps like a truck truck truck.....

thighs like what what what
all night long
let me see that thong"



see, i was planning on writing a couple more chapters this weekend which would have featured....*hang on a sec, just checking my inbox....CHECKED!* Robert and Tommy. However, i'm out until 4 today and then i'm working on latin and science + revision and tomorrow i'm doing english and math so i dunno when i'm next gonna be able to grab a spare minute to natter on as Caitlyn. Sorry :( i'll try but this is just a lil warning that i don't think you'll be seeing any more of the story til next weekend :S

I'm so annoyed, i watched the 6th sense *great film* last night but missed Michael MacIntyre's interview on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross and i actually love him just a lil bit. he rocks. a lot. and stuff. 'n' ALL THAT JAZZ. person rave...


LOVE for the Lovely

Friday, 13 November 2009

what's happening?

what is this? what the fuck is this? what's happening to me? what's happening? ow. ow. oh god, it hurts so much. i feel sick. just stop. STOP. STOP IT. please. i. i. i. i. i. i. i. don't. i. don't i? i don't know. i don't. OW. please. JUST STOP PLEASE. I can't take. i. it hurts. it fucking hurts. please stop. i don't know. i can't i? can't. i CAN'T. this doesn't make any sense. STOP.

Okay, I'm being deliberately melodramatic but something just happened and i actually don't understand it and i don't know why it's made me feel like this but it's as though my eyes are welling and tears have begun their swelling. and all i feel like i can do is cry. i chose not to say "all i want to do is cry" because who wants to cry? who ever wants to cry? apart from actors and actresses or someone faking pain to get out of something or someone with something in their eye trying to wash it away...but that was NOT my point, most certainly and definitely not my point...but then again i'm sure what my point really is so perhaps that was my point and i'm not telling you? or perhaps not. this is tiring.

Right, let's start again, my heart's beating too fast.

I've learnt two chords on guitar *go me xD* I know A major and E major which are both pretty easy since you only have to use three fingers on the fret board and you play all the strings open on E but not the 6th on A :) Ange was showing me a warm-up/exercise-y-type-thing on it which I still SUCK at...I keep strumming the wrong strings....ah wells. Oooooh *i almost typed 'poo' there...silly kaytei...* i've been meaning to mention for a while that wouldn't it be cool for somebody with the surname Wells to have the initial of their first name be an R....that way, whenever I say "ah wells" they'd think that i was talking about them. teee heeee. *go me* aren't I clever. not really. actually not at all really. sorry about that, but you're not as smart as you reckon you are. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooool.

Got around to watching Stuart, Lancaster, Tudor and Hannover try their luck in House Drama today...I'd seen York and Windsor yesterday. I reckoned the Lancaster should have won really but then again, I may be a little biased since I'm actually a little bit in love with a member of their cast. Alex Parsons. *swoon* nah, i'm kidding, that'd be slightly paedo-ish...hmmmmm :S he was feckin funny though xD love it!! he had a very big baguette. intentional inuendo *rock 'n' roll*

ooooooooooooooh, another thing i've been meaning to share *cuz i'm generous like that*


oooooooooooooooh yeah. dang it feels so good. even on a chair, ONE PERSON RAVE. one person rave. ONE PERSON RAVE. one person rave. ROCK on!!! xD

wherever you go, however you go, RAVE! be it on a train, in an airport. sitting in you fridge or upon the kettle, ONE PERSON RAVE!!! love it :D person rave on a chair....

^that's me right now mwhahahaha xD
i actually just did it. that's a little lame ain't it? just a tad. a taddly tidbit. not quite as lame as a llama except llamas aren't lame apart from those which technically are lame, however, the fact remains that such a little outburst of shame was indeed a little lame. ah wells. R. Wells.

oh. My. GOD. OHMygod.

CAZ!!! that's the only way i could think of writing it, i hope you get what i mean xD

jajaja. in da club. or wherever. one person rave.

errrrrrrrrrrrm, i'm feeling so much better now, dang i love writing this. ooooooh, try saying, "anyhooble" feels sooooooooo good to say.

HEY! 'tis frday 13th and thus far, things are holding up pretty well. I'm nowhere near as superstitious as i was before but i still wear my special lucky necklace *which btw is really pretty, golden four leaf clover with pearls and a black saphire :D* which my Nan gave to me for a little added protection from folklaw's evil-ness-ism-age...and stuff 'n' junk and ALL THAT JAZZ. LOVE chicago!!

this is a long one but it feels as though it's been while.

Love for the lovely
p.s going out tonight *wiring it up y'all* 'n' town tomorrow. YO.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

I was all prepared for my swine flu jab...

So...I got my swine flu jab about...fourty (?) minutes ago in my left arm. The injection lasted about as long as the HPV jab did, it has similar side effects and it should also be making me feel sort of sleepy but to tell the truth, my eye-lids have been drooping for a lot of today :S and then the nurse gave me the ordinary flu vaccine as well...loverly -_-' I got that one in my right arm. the injection was teeny and lasted about a second, I kind of laughed about how quickly it was over xD NOW MY ARMS ACHE >:[ i dunno how i'm gonna get to sleep tonight...with the HPV one I just lied on my right side. I'm completely screwed now. loverly. I didn't get any of those cool round plasters or a sticker or a lolly. :'( i was a little disappointed. I really could have gone for a lolly.
ERGLE. I really didn't do very well in the mock physics paper today, i actually felt like crying. I'm doing really pretty well in english and history and latin's going okay and drama's AWESOME; totally loving it!! but i'm awful at math and science. DRAT AND BLAST. love saying that ^-^ heh heh
Martin got the swine flu jab as well so I can stop worrying about him catching it now :) seriously...since...august *i think* I've been hoping and praying *yup, when you're that worried; you don't laugh at God*that he won't catch it or that if he does he'll be okay. we need to keep an eye on him tonight because the jab may cause him to have an epileptic fit. we have the monitor switched on all night though. and his medication's been working really steadily for a while now. he just got reviewed and his doses don't need upping just yet *yay* he's always pulled through before. yup, he'll be fine, mighty fine, fine and dandy. yup, Martin's a little fighter :) my little miracle brother.

anyhoooooooooooble, how are you? this has been a pretty one sided conversation thusfar...don't mean to be rude, i'm afraid it just comes naturally. btw, if you're reading this, Tommy, promise, promise, promise me that'll never smoke :)

Give a listen to this song...I'm not Christian but you gotta admit, these lyrics ring pretty true,

"No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls
After some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
when it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane
Starts to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love hand in hand
with someone else and they hope that they’re mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door
And they say “We’ve got some bad new, sir,”
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
When the crazies say he hates us
and they get so red in the head
You think that they’re about to choke
God can be funny
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha, ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
when they’ve lost all they got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
that the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re saying their goodbyes

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
When the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head
you think that they’re about to choke
God can be funny
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God in a hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war

No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one’s laughing at God
We’re all “laughing with God”"

mmm, good song.

Love for the lovely *h2G, i love you guys*
p.s periods SUCK! they ought to die in a hole and leave me the heck alone. grrrrrrrr.


The SKY's the limit

Sunday, 8 November 2009

dust and darkness

bury me in your ashes and smother my breath away. tie me down and carry me soaring, away, away. for in the dust and darkness. in the black of night and day. in the endless falling rain. in you, i found a way. i light of chance and wonder and hope. of something worth clinging to. So when you leave, i'll be leaving, away, away with you. you'll lead me and i'll follow, take me and i'll come. wherever i'm heading, you're the only one. the only thing that i can understand. the only thing i can stand at all. when you are and have everything the rest is left to fall. and tumble and unravel it does. engulfing itself within its own shame. the dust and darkness consume each other. left alone is your light to shine. and if you'll lead me i will follow, take me and i'll come. we'll entwine and live and last and love together whilst the world is left to come undone. to me you're the only thing that really matters. so as the dust and darkness deplete and fear scatters. whilst the dreamless sleep of those lying alone shatters. and down to earth an empty shadow pitter-patters. and the dust and darkness feed on each other's own hearts. we know that the end for some has risen but for us. this is our start.

Saturday, 7 November 2009


The next responce to my plee for help via email came from one Miss Sweet Caroline. Cazz. Cazzamatrazz. Cazzaline. She went by many name's when we were a little younger but it doesn't really make a difference. A rose by any name would smell as sweet after all. She's one of the most insecure people I've ever known but she's forever looking mighty fine. She's still got low self esteem even though she's married. Surely that lovely husband of hers wouldn't have proposed to her if he wasn't mad about her. They've been married for about three years now and before they wed they dated for...nine years I think. He's a really lovely guy and she deserves him since she's a really lovely girl. I wouldn't want anything but the best for her. She's stood by me for some of my darkest and most sleep-reducing times. Now was no different

Wait....Will's proposed to YOU or to Nicole....?If it's you then you'd bloody say yes. But if it's to Nicole...then there's nothing you can do.Just wait until their relationship deteriorates. It'll happen.Nicole's a bitch, and Will will know it.Will's a smart guy, right?xxx

Hang on...did my email really give the impression that he'd proposed to Nicole? Was I drunk at the time I wrote it?! No. Surely not. You can't get drunk off of just one, one bottle of wine, can you? I may have been very, slightly tipsy but I'm not some sad, "cue violins" kind of case, inebriating herself to escape real life. I'm a social drinker. I was sharing a couple of glasses of wine with the inhabitants of Albert Square. Nothing wrong with that.

See, since Will had hired Nicole as a secretary at his new law firm I'd just assumed that he had been interested in her again, just as he had been when we were younger. Caroline must have thought the same. I hadn't spoken to Will properly since he'd set up his new firm. Tired of picking up the slack at other firms; holding them together, he thought he'd try his luck for himself and make his own job. Worked well for him. It took a lot of money though. Near on all of his savings were sunk into just setting up so he had to make it work. I guess that when you know how important something like that is, it's not too hard to motivate yourself into spending many hours working at it. Still, I had meant that once again, communication between us had shrunk to an occasional email, a hurried phone conversation and a scribbled out christmas card. The last thing in the world I expected from Will had been a proposal. Fate likes smacking you like that sometimes though...maybe she just wanted me to wake up for a sec. I don't know. There's a lot that I don't know. Will always had the answers, he knew a lot...about a LOT. Whenver I didn't get a word in English; he knew the meaning. When I didn't understand the terms of treaties and such in history, he always had the time to explain them to me. Caroline's right, Will is a smart guy, but is she right about me saying "yes" too? She's as sure as I want to be and I am mad about Will...maybe I always have been but something doesn't feel quite right. This is all so sudden.


Richard was the first of my eight trusted friends to reply. Richard had always been more Will's friend than mine but Will generally had a good taste in people and he didn't often choose to befriends anyone who was likely to cause trouble. Nicole was of course, a great exception to this rule. Bitch. That was harsh, I you for having to read that...not her; bitch. So, Richard had started off as a friend of a friend but over the years I'd grown to really rely on him. He was one of the good guys. The sort of bloke who'd never get you drunk with any ulterior motives...apart from making you humiliate yourself in a dance contest...I really don't have the energy to get into that right now. Richard was full of silly quips and sweet words to make me smile whenever I'd gone and gotten myself upset over everything stupid that didn't really matter.

Wow, Caitlyn! That's great! Will is such a nice guy, you're lucky to have him with you. I'm sure he'll look after you when you get married (if you accept)!

Richard is a really busy guy so I was glad he'd found the time to reply somewhere in his busy schedule. He's a surgeon...he'd always joked about cutting people up when we were younger, I found that sinister but now he's saving people's lives. Get him. Nah, I'm not mocking, I'm just pleased for him. So, Richard's reply made little difference to the whirring in my mind but it was lovely to hear from him anyway. His reply supported the half of me yelling, "Say yes!!! Go on, what are you waiting for?! SAY YES." but that still wasn't enough to jump on the other part of me and silence that voice which wailed, "I'm not ready for any of this!"
Richard was always prompting me into making my own decisions in life and he still was now. All I really wanted was for someone to tell me what to say to Will.
It's childish but I'm 27 and I still don't feel ready to get married. Will wasn't even dating me. We've never dated. We always agreed that it'd be too weird, just too weird, or as our younger selves had said, "gross!" He'd forever been my best friend, not my boyfriend and now he wanted me for his wife. I don't think I've been this confused since double physics, Friday afternoons as secondary school. Yeah, Richard's reply's sweet but I'm no closer to reaching my EUREKA moment just yet.

Friday, 6 November 2009



i'm not complaining xD

I've been begging Friday to show his head all week and now he's here! Gosh, his visits are always well received...apart from when his roguish sibling Friday 13th comes along, that is!!! Goodness. i feel bad for those doing house drama on that day. losers. nah, i'm kidding, i hope they have fun, i'm uber jealous cuz i can't do it anymore :'( i thought i was gonna say something but maybe not :S i'm off to feed on lasagne...mmmmmmmm, lasagne...bill murray's voice always comes to mind when i say lasagne xD

apparently, i fancy someone whose first name begins with one of the first five letters of the alphabet...surely i should know about this?! Either A B C D or E?! hmmmmmmm

enjoy the weekend!
love for the lovely

Thursday, 5 November 2009 maybe i do have asthma? my breathing problems are in fact asthma but i have strong lungs and my, "condition" ain't nearly enough to warrant any medication. Besides it only really gets triggered when there's dust in the air or pollen...i'm allergic to it like hayfever except i cough instead of sneeze. and when i get a cough it really does take my breath away. anyways, my name's still in the system of the asthma clinic. I'm getting it next tuesday at 7.30 in the evening so my arm should still ache enough for me to be excused from PE come thursday *foot shuffle plus arm thrust and YES!!* oooh yeah, i shall be missing netball next week *TG or A or B of other B or whoever*
So, Nik went and wandered back into my life today, would you adam 'n' eve it? (you wouldn't believe how long i've been dying to use cockney rhyming slang for xD) I know right?! He's now my mate on facebook, yeah, innit. Get this, his surname is


and he's in a band and he's studying music at university. He plays guitar and keyboard and sings. I thought that he was British from his accent but this surname suggests Eastern Europe so is Nik short for Nikolas or Nikolai or summat?! gosh, i'd love it if his name was short for Nikolai xD he has a tongue piercing and a nose ring and tattoos, he rides a motorcycle. he smokes *gag gag puke puke...but he's young enough to quit ;)* he's a skater 'n' all! he drinks alcohol and uses a bong. he has a six pack but says foooooooooddd baby just like me xD he called me chachi *?:)* ooooh, and his birthday's the day before mine!!!! can you adam 'n' eve it *had to say that again!!* basically, he's kinda arty 'n' cool and interesting but he's also a complete and utter dossing douchebag of a stoner-pot-fiend. uhuh. i like him 'n' all but i'm a good girl. I freak out when I don't get homework in on time...i'd cry if I got a C grade. I barely swear...unless i'm really annoyed. I say gosh and goodness instead of God, i hold the door open for people and speak politely. I wear my skirt at an appropriate length *appropriate for what eh? ;)* nah but seriously...I am a good girl. He's cool but he's a bad boy! He's sooooo wrong for me!! he's cool but i'm not interested like that xD still good to hear from him though :)

Love for the lovely

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do...

Mmm, today wasn't great but it's November and there's rain and it's cold and dark...what can you expect really?
I'm getting jab next...tuesday (?!) methinks to protect me from swine flu. ARGH! I wasn't even aware that I was in the "at risk" category but I suffered from breathing problems (not asthma; although that's what I was tested for :S) when I was quite a bit younger...9 or ten and my GP obviously reckons it's more serious than they wanted to let on to me all them years ago. I don't really mind about needles but I'll get an achey arm and it'll last for days :'( Then I have two more HPV jabs *next one's coming up on the 27th i think* and an MMR booster. That'll make five jabs this year. goodness. I was looking forward to my first HPV jab....weird, i's just that i barely ever get jabs and it was gonna be a rare occasion and rare occasions equal intrigue and yada yada yoda yoda 'n' such 'n' all that jazz but FIVE, in ONE year?! goodness.
hmm, today was as bad as the time I cried when I couldn't open my locker, I really need to get a grip. hmmm, i do believe so.
ARGH YOU SCARED ME...or not. whatever.
There were so many things i wanted to say yesterday but now my mind's as empty as...well...i'm so empty I can't actually think of anything...clever.

I want to scream but everyone's around and my throat hurts already...

I'll probably write more of that random-ass story on saturday...I don't have any time to really get into it atm. I think I'll devote a short chapter to each of the responses so this could take a while :S I'll try and make it interesting but no promises, eh?

Christmas in...actually i can't remember...either 50/49 days :S sorry about that.

I have to write a history essay for 1st period tomorrow and i've not yet started. aren't i clever, eh?

Ergle, caz, i reckon i'm gonna have to take that plait out soon...i've had it in for 8 days though :S

urgh...PE tomorrow and URGH i think i'm doing netball. URGH. GROSS. VULGARRRRRRRRR.


Love for the lovely

Monday, 2 November 2009


I'm twenty seven. I've lived through twenty seven birthdays and christmases. I'm not Christian but my faimly have always celebrated Christmas; even if it was just an excuse for our family to get on. Not that we hated each other. We could scream blue-bloody-murder to one another but we'd scream a million times worse to anyone who'd insult one of us. Close as thumb-tacks. My mum used to say that. We had a pin-board that everything was stuck into; photos, receipts, postcards, drawings, notelets...a miriad of what family is...a mish-mash of trinkets and memories. The pin-board would be so crammed full of our little pieces of mind that there'd be row upon row of thumb-tacks. All mismatched from different sets. Yup, our family were "close as thumb-tacks" all right. Even at twenty seven my mum calls me her dolly...apparently i was quite cute one upon a time...about 26 years ago actually. You'd think that by now she'd use the name which she'd written on my birth certificate. You'd think that by now, I'd be able to make my own mind up. Alas, I'm as indecisive as I was a good twenty years ago. Only the choices I have to make are bigger now. I have a wonderful jury who I can turn to so as I can come up with a verdict on each decision. Traditionally, there are twelve sat in a jury, mine only has eight. They're some of the people I had to let into my life when I learnt that i couldn't always rely on Will. He was my best friend and he was growing up. We both were but it seemed more apparent in him.
Several years after Sophia, Will really did fall for the source of all evil. I'll probably be saying the same for all of his girlfriends. I'm not jealous. I'm not and it's not my fault that he had such bad taste in women. Geez. Nicole Jackson. You couldn't get much worse. Sweet as sugar on the surface but fetid within. She could be kind, even funny and she was very beautiful. The thing was, she knew it. She was very aware that she could have a certain affect on people when she wanted to. She sucked up to anyone she considered worth her time and wound them around her finger; just as she did with her hair.
She strutted. I have to say it! Nicole Jackson actually strutted. I'll never be certain of whether she consciusly chose to do so but it drove me crazy and it wasn't just me either. There were an elite few of us, my trusted jury included, who could see through her benign facade. Nicole Jackson was a bitch. Simple as. Will wanted her?! He could quite possibly have temporarily lost his mind and for this reason, which justified his dating...that; I stayed friends with him. If I blocked his calls every time he did the slightest thing to trouble and upset me then he'd get tired of me. I'd lost him to Sophia once and I wasn't about to let it happen again. I thought to myself that no matter what my role be in his life, as long as it's still there then I am happy. As long as if in some small way Will and I remained connected then I'd put up with anything. Even Nicole Jackson. Although it was pretty grating when he spoke so sweetly of his dear, "Nicky".
My epiphony made me feel so grown up.
I thought I was ready for the big world but I'm still no more than just a little girl. Who needs her friends. Her lovely, beautfiul friends.


I really need some help...please? Okay, Will's proposed.

*breathe!*-I have to keep reminding myself. We haven't been in regular contact lately and now this! I thought that we were drifting be honest, I thought that with Nicole just beginning work at his firm that the she-devil had returned to dig her claws into him. I haven't got a clue what to do really. Please help.

Love you all

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Stepping on a rainbow

I'll tell you if you ask...right now, i'm stepping on a rainbow. Outside, the sky is falling but in here I feel Sunny's rays and gosh are they warm.
Smile, life's too short not to.
AND smiling gives better wrinkles than frowning for when you're older...
just saying


I'm stepping on a rainbow and i've got someone to hold my hand and guide me to the otherside. I'm not alone and i wish i could have seen i never really was. i'm stepping on a rainbow and god i feel so good.