Tuesday, 22 December 2009

TAKE MY HAND thirteen

It's been almost two months. Two months and I've not heard one word from her sweet lips in all this time. When I was younger and I'd come home from a date with some pretty girl or other I'd ask my big brother how I could ever really know if I was in love. He told me that there are a few things which don't make much sense, they just sort of feel right. He said the first thing was speaking, it just happens. The second is walking when we're toddlers; just instinct. The third is love. There's not a finite formula to tell you when you've found something worth holding on to. You just know. There's no hesitation. No paranoia. No double glances or "I wonder.."s or "what if"s. Love just is.
Caitlyn had always been my life.
I hope she still is.
I don't know why it took me so long to see it for myself but one day I just woke up and realised that I wanted to spend every hour of my life with Caitlyn.
If she felt the same then wouldn't she be able to tell me?
If she loved me, if she wanted to be with me, surely she would know, wouldn't she have decided by now?
I find myself staring vacantly up at the off white ceiling of this room night after night. Things were so much easier when we were younger. I remember the night that we snuck into her tiny apartment as quietly as we could so as we didn't wake up her roomate, Hetty. We fell into bed, still fully clothed. I wrapped her in my arms and held her hands in mine, gently resting my head on her back, smiling as her pigtails tickled my face. Her hair smelt like almonds. Her skin like cinnamon. I held her close as her breathing slowed and grew deeper and her hands fell limp against mine. The strap of her dress slipped over her arm leaving her right shoulder bare. I kissed her naked skin and wished that I could live eternally in that moment; wishing that somehow this beautiful girl could be mine, wishing that I could be hers.
Two months. How could she love me when she's been hesitating for two months?
Maybe I should stop waiting for her, maybe I should talk to her again. Oh God. It's 3.56 in the morning, how did that happen? Can I call her now? I'll never sleep if I don't.


Finally. I raised an eyebrow at my computer's screen as my messenger alerted me to a new email in my inbox. Elin certainly took her time when it came to helping me. Oh well, I guess it's always been her way really but she's always come through for me. I tugged my unruly hair back into something which half resembled a chinon and then brushed the loose strands of hair which usually tickled my face behind my ears. Then I opened her message.

Hi Caitlyn.
Plus.... just calm the fuck down.
And think rationally.
... You calm yet? Good.
Nicole's a slut. I thought you knew that from the start. Will could never have liked a whore like her.
Just, ask yourself. Do you really imagine yourself being with Will and no one else for the rest of your life? If the answer's yes, then go for it. Just... remember not to get too caught up.
And if this is some shitty prank, I will drive over to your house in the dead of night and skin you alive and rip your hair out of your pretty little head and plait it and use it as a dog lead.

I found myself chuckling aloud for the first time in a while. My happy laughter bouncing about the empty study; only to knock me with its eerie reverberations. Happiness is fleeting but somehow darkness has the inate ability to cling onto you and suck your life away until you're limp and alone. But for the time, a short time at least, I was happy.
I read over the email...liar, she doesn't even have a dog. My eyes smiled appreciatively at her silly, cynical joke. It reminded me of all of the years I'd spent messing around with Elin when we were both younger. It felt like a lifetime ago. I suppose that for Elin it was a lifetime ago. I'd barely seen her since she'd had her baby. She always said that she had no inclination to have kids but then she'd met the right man and I guess she just changed her mind. Jean-Luc was always so good to her, I'm glad now that she ended up marrying him and they really did make a beautiful child. Her name's Alison. I was angry when I first found out though. I wanted marriage and kids. Not her. I've got a crappy part time job and not a lot else whilst she has everything that I want. I never was any good at coping with this stupid envy of mine, you know? Still, we're friends again now. We never officially stopped being friends exactly, I was just awkward about spending time with her since all the time I was with her I was wishing that I could trade lives. Although that wouldn't have been much of a fair deal would it? So, despite myself, I realised that I was just happy that she was living a good life and eventually, I would find my own fairytale.
Now I have a Prince Charming asking for my hand in marriage but this stupid damsel's so distressed that she can't make up her silly mind.
I pulled my hair down again and twiddled with the tendrils around my fingers. A habit of twenty-seven years is hard to break and somehow, messing up my already messy hair sort of helped my decisions to form in my mind better than usual. Well, sometimes it felt like that anyway.
I thought again about Elin's words. If I want to have Will as my life forever and ever then I should go for it but don't get too caught up. Will already is my life. He's my entire life. I haven't got anything else. I have some fairly close friends but no one quite like William Vale.

Saturday, 12 December 2009


So darn snide. Not one thing could leave his lips without being lined by some kind of jab. Yes he was my friends. Yes we shared some laughs but hell yes did we argue and some. mmm hmmm. Jamie. If you didn't know him like I did then you'd think him to be the sort of person that spoke without thinking but I was perfectly aware that with him it was infact the opposite. Jamie didn't say anything that wasn't premeditated, planned and perfectly putrid when he was miffed at you. He could be your best friend and with a change of the wind; the knife running along your wrist. Jamie.
He was succinct, to the point. Maybe that's why I trusted him. He might not do it in the kindest way but he'd always give me what I wanted; the truth.

You mean he simply proposed to you suddenly, even though you've hardly been seeing him and he's been with someone else.
Yes, I know what this is what you want, and I also know Nicole is a bitch. But that's hardly the point. You can't just rush into these things.
It's your choice, though. Don't really know what I can say to change your mind. You've never listened to me in the past.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but he wasn't seeing her, was he? Silly. As per the usual my wonderfully paranoid side had taken over, whenever I heard of Nicole I convinced myself that she was helping my Will after hours...with a lot more than the filing. Maybe she'd grown up a bit since our school days though.
When I was younger I was desperately jealous of Nicole; the golden girl who forever did everything infinitely better than I ever could have hoped to have done. She had her flaws but I don't think that she was a particularly bad person, she just didn't understand how to act sometimes. She'd speak out of turn and say the most stupidly hurtful things. She'd befriend you, make you trust her and then get those imaculately manicured claws of hers into your man. Not the Will's my man. Nor was he ever my man. But the fact remains the same that Nicole was not trustworthy. I had every right to be a little concerned when I knew that she'd started working at Will's company and fairly closely with him at that.
I "can't rush into these things"? What do you think I've been doing for the past few weeks?! I told Will that I'd think about it and I've done naught but run his words over and over in my mind. Allow his gentle voice to sail across the void between reality and my slumber. His mellow, soothing tones, as close to a smile as sound could ever be carressing me. No, I haven't rushed into anything.
I may have rushed into one or two situations when I was younger though. That's probably what Jamie had meant by his last remark; "you've never listened to me in the past". That wasn't entirely fair. I did listen to Jamie. Just not all of the time. Just not when it came to what guys would be good for me. Perhaps my ears did owe him more time than they offered but the past is in the past, as Fleetwood Mac once sang, "Yesterday is gone." and it, sure as chocolate can do wrong, (another of my Mum's sayings) ain't ever gonna come back.
That's why I'm scared. Scared. Something I've not admitted in a long time. Will and I have and always have had something that people have envied, something that's held us together even when we've been a couple thousand miles apart. I don't want to say "love". I don't want to because if I speak the spell then maybe it'll be broken. If I get together with Will and promise myself to him for better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health it would have to be forever. No one gets themselves into a relationship without at least the hope that it will last forever and so I'd said that I was absolutely in love with every one of my past boyfriends. Every last one of the ruthless bastards who'd claimed we were better off as friends. If I said that this was forever with Will then it would really have to be because if it went wrong then I don't think we could ever have back the past we'd known together. The yesterday of us would really be lost. Forever.
I do love him. I do but I'd prefer to have him forever as my friend than for a little while as something more and then lose him. I couldn't do that. To either of us.
For just a moment I fell away from the world; away from the trouble of writing out a list for groceries, remembering to pay a visit to my parents, callinging in sick to work like so many mondays I'd known before. I was with Will, I was five years old and lying in this arms cuddled up under his spiderman duvet on his teeny single bed with silly pigtails in my hair. Safe and warm. A comfort I don't think I've ever felt without Will. My best friend, better than any boyfriend.
The grandfather clock that had once belonged to my parents chimed softly, allowing me to drift smoothly out of my day dream. I gazed up towards the clock's ancient face but the arms were blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smudging freshly applied mascara down my cheeks, and swigged the last dregs of tea from my mug before getting up from the computer where I'd read Jamie's email and heading the kitchen to make myself a new cup. Just like so many mondays I'd known before.

Saturday, 5 December 2009


Sometimes chaotic craziness just makes feel as though you could tear your own heart out but other times insanity can make you feel a little better. That's how Laurence was for me. He was utterly mad but his peculiar yet lovely remarks always manage to give me some kind of perspective on what really matters. Right from when I was young....not that twenty seven isn't young but 13 is a lot younger...he came out with the most hilarious comments which would kind of wash away whatever I was making myself get down about.
I was a mixed up teenager. Not troubled per se but far from perfect. I'd hold every little annoying thing inside of me until I couldn't bare it and it would take just one more of these pesky little things to drive me over the edge. Instead of screaming I'd cry. I hated people seeing me with tears on my face so I I haven't cried in public for 12 years. Now no one sees the vulnerable side of me.
I could be beating myself up for having missed the bus or wearing the wrong shoes or being caught nonplussed in the middle of a rain scattering without a brolly but then into my day would stride Laurence with those wonderfully wacky questions of his,
"Hey Caitlyn...what underwear are you wearing?"
I'd pretend to be really rather vexed by his invasive inquisition but beneath my pissed-off bravado-facade I found it hysterical. Somehow, the little giggles he provided me with were enough to give me a metaphorical slap around the face which reminded me that things weren't all that bad. Yup, Laurence was a very good friend. So, although I had seen him be serious...on occasion...I wasn't surprised when his reply reached me,

Hahahahaha! I will eat you!

mmm hmmm. Laurence the cannibal. Lovely. His comment did make me think though...why am I stressing about this so much? It's not as though it's a bad thing. Will and I always joked about getting married when we were younger and I always found myself rather attracted to him but this was different. This meant that I'd have to start being responsible. I'd really be an adult.