Tuesday, 29 September 2009

sorry will :(

ok, so, he apolagised and i forgave him and we hugged it out and everything seems quite a lot better now. yay. i guess i'm about a billion times more sensitive than i should be :S
i have a button :D yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah xD love it!
p.s if anyone stumbles upon this blog, don't tell anyone about it and don't comment on it and if you want to follow it, please do so with anonymity. thankyou!

Monday, 28 September 2009

fuck you will, fuck you.

Hey, i hate my nose, everyone knows it, it's bumpy and pointed and i'm not ever so keen on it but i've come to terms with it. it's no longer the first thing that sticks out in the mirror. so the fuck what if it looks like a bird's nose, a beak??! so the fuck what? fuck you will. fuck you. you fucking wanker. who the fuck gave you the right to make me feel like shit. who the fuck made you so righteous as to piss all over my fucking day? fuck you. FUCK you.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Hey, maybe there's a shark in the water

I'm gettin' on a bit ain't i. eh?? hmmmmmm, i'm a age 'n' go grey on day but for now my hair's brown, my eye's are mossey and my skin is milky white * save for the acne blotches, 'course*.

hold on, hold me up, stick 'em up and fight for what's left and right, behind and correct and heck don't let go just yet or i'll fall and you've already worn out the springs in my mattress so if i crash now i'll crack like porcelain, are you slipping away, out again? twisting and turning and fading away? fading to grey? turning out to be the horror you hid and created and curated and belated and then mated with and spor a sprog of one who so kindly reeled a line, a lie, out to catch her. to hatch her, shell, so tightly it caught her, bound her to you and you, you, who wrapped up in ribbon and rhyme and mystery and misery and hopes for the hopeless, fear for the fearless. to you, for you, who are more perfect than the insect that i hath been born into and whilst I scurry in a hurry but for goodness knows what i'll see you hatch her, beautiful, pure, clean and fresh, beautiful, pure, clean and fresh, bound to you, i'll stay and watch from my mess.

don't ask where that came from. i'm not entirely certain myself and i must be off to slave at science homework.
oh joy, oh rapture.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

There are a billion and one things i want to thank everyone for but i know that i'll either forget someone or something so...



Friday, 25 September 2009

Argh, another helping of Hormonal Soup...yum...

Hey there...again.
I have time so i'll use it.
Being a teenager is lame. one minute i'll be lughing about...nothing in particular and the next, i'm arguing and upset and hate myself. oh joy, oh rapture.

woe is me.
nah, i'll be fine. I have wired up tonight and then 'tis my birthday tomorrow after all.
hopefully robert will come...in more ways than one. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo, that was a joke. seriously. gosh, i'm awful ain't i??!

Thursday, 24 September 2009

A daily melodrama!!

oh yes, indeed, life is crazy as is love and lovers and all that is mad and full of jazz-i-mac-foo-ness. it's been while right? So, Robert had me up against the wall at lunchtime today...i really wish it was for real. but yeah, i can live. i will survive. i think. mmmmmmmmmm, i wish he'd like ne like i like him. someone told me that he's gay but i reeeeeeeeeaaaaally don't believe that. i reckon that this person's just trying to make me get over him. that might help. although, tbh, i don't think i could cope if he was gay. NOT because i'm a homophobe, cuz i'm NOT but yadayada and all that jazz, i like him too much. trying not to say i love him but that's how it feels. *sigh*

still a secret! bye!

Monday, 21 September 2009

oh fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK this so much. bugger. fuck. urgh. i hate this so much. there's never enough time and i always say the wrong thing
the weekend was supposed to be so great. no homework and plans to chill in town. argh. nothing ever seems to go right. worst day i've had in a while. get over yourself. just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY

Friday, 18 September 2009

Sponsored Walk

I completed it with Eloise and Summer in 2 hours and forty minutes. woop, 10 miles in 2 hours 40! last time I did it in 3 hours ten.
i feel pretty awful now though, not only am i achey and tired and ill but i've upset summer, hattie, katie and caz. They're my best friends and only...yesterday *?* I was thinking about how I couldn't do any of this without them. I mean, i probably wouldn't be here if i hadn't had them to support me and now i've gone and upset them. i just feel pretty awful.

i hope we can make things up tonight at club :S

Thursday, 17 September 2009


i hate it when people ask me how i am because then i think about how i actually am...and i always focus on the bad. like right now, elin's still pissed at me for the paracetemol thing and she still won't say who she told, louise and hattie have fallen out and louise thinks i hate her and robert's still confusing the heck outta me. i wish he wasn't so amazing. no, that's mean. i just wish that i didn't believe that he was so amazing is all. he writes such fantastic things on this blogs...more on the fivepenceforfree one in my opinion...i like his other one with the ramblings and absurdity but i don't get a lot of it.
ah well.
perhaps the ink will settle someday soon.

"and instead of answers; it's full of, 'i don't know's' but that's the way it goes, i suppose."

people are puppets held together with string, there's a beautiful sadness that runs through him, as he asks me to pray to the go, he doesn't believe in. time and again boys will race to be men, impatiant they start, fearful they end but here was a man, mourning tomorrow, he drank but finally drowned in his sorrow. he could not break surface tension, he looked in the wrong place for redemption, don't look at me with those eyes, i tried to anethetise, turn back the tide that drew him. but he couldn't be saved, a sadness runs through him.

hmm, i like that song.

oh god, i'm getting myself down over nothing. i'm talking to robert on msn and i feel like crying.

have a good day

why can't the clock stop for just one fucking second? just stop passing me by. i still need you

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Hormonal soup indeed

today started oh so well and what the fuck's up with me now?
i dunno really.
i just feel shite now...off to do homework...*yay*

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

dag nam it and such

Elin's down :(
she keeps saying that she's fine but she's so not. it's all today with the kelly thing :'(
at least there's the concert to look forward to i suppose; that should make her feel a bit better. it's 8 days away and i'm reeeeeaaaaaally looking forward to it...i only really like i few songs by The Used...most of their stuff is ok but i'm just not that into them. i'm just looking forward to a concert with two of my best friends in the whole world ever.

:O poor louise, her brother ricky's been hurt really badly and it's awful, she's so down about it and he's been released from hospital and he's going to be ok but still. :( she's got enough on her plate, a whole lot of "hormonal soup" i nicked that phrase from Jim-Jam-Jamie but it's just too good to not spread it around a bit!!

Sponsored walk on friday *no triple science...yay!* kidding, well, kind of...it's nice to miss some lessons but my initial terror, "argh, how can i cope with 15 hours of science every fortnight?!" has evaporated...but what comes up must come down and if it's evaporating it's making a lovely little cloud above me ready to piss down when i next have an attack of, "ARGH!!!"

so yeah.

I carry paracetemol with me cuz i get headaches a lot but i'm not addicted. whoever actually posted that comment is just cruel. i'm not a fecking addict and if i was i'd find something better than paracetemol...geez...

will's no longer ill...but i am. it was the same this time last year as well...i was reading through my old diary last night. i hope i'm up to the sponsored walk. i'm not so bad, just a bit head achey and cough-fit-like. i'll get better, always do.

is it weird that i'm looking forward to my jab on october 16th?! it's just that it's a really rare thing for me that i barely ever do so i'm sort of looking forward to it. yup, that's weird. yup, i'm a nut-job. :S


Monday, 14 September 2009

secret blog!!

I love this, i'm actually managing to keep my own secrets xD other peoples are no problem but my own just slip outta my mouth all that time...silly me. *face palm*
i don't want to love robert, i'm trying really hard to get over him. you know, thinking of all the things i wish werew different about him like...him telling me to piss off...and not hugging me...and flicking me :S i don't know why he feels so inclined as to flick me actually, never really got the fascination tbh.
aw, poor elin, someone lame's gone and blabbed about her private life...meanie. now there's a bit of gossip about her and she hates it. me's feeling bad for her.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

someone just made me feel really awful :( and up until then, i was having a good day 'n' all.

:'( some bugger just went and said that i've been feeling sick because of my pain killer addicition. it was a one time fecking thing and nothing came of it and i have no idea who this person is but it's such a bloody horrid thing to say. i had a bad day, that's not a crime is it? and i can't be the only one either. I've been ill recently, it's nothing to do with pain killers and my mum's had a similar thing and so have people in school. i don't know why they'd say that.


i bought bill and ted's bogus journey on dvd xD yay!! i love it so very, very much. i haven't seen it since i was very little and so i'm really looking forward to watching it again.

i'm looking forward to school tomorrow, hopefully will'll be better by then and i'll be able to see robert :) it's like all the bad and all the grey drift away like smoke when I talk to him and all i can see is the sunshine.

man, that sounds soppy!
good thing that this is the, "secret" blog, but for how long?? mwahahahaha.

...not funny.

Saturday, 12 September 2009

hahahahaha i've no followers here!!

I've not even told anyone about this blog so i'm guessing, i'm writing in privacy. someone may eventually stumble across this but for the moment, I can write about just how much some people piss me off.
fuckfuckfuck. i wish i didn't love robert and i'm young so i probably won't forever but it sure does feel like it at the moment and it sucks because i'm so convinced that he likes someone else. well, i know that he likes someone else, what i mean is i think that i know who the someone else is.
I want a boyfriend. but i want robert as my boyfriend and no one else :S
I sound like a small child but i'm aging! it's my birthday in a mere two weeks!
hold me, hug me, tell me you love me.

HA, robert won't even hug me!! could he say, "i hate you" any clearer?? ah well. i'll deal with it...badly...but i will.
I wish i didn't love him, but it's not as easy as that and nothing easy is worthwhile, right? maybe, how should i know? you're me. exactly. gosh, i sound like tommy, arguing with myself. aw, he's the sweetest guy :) all i gotta do is speak to him and life gets realigned and I don't feel like running my penknife lengthways up my forearm and gazing as the red trickles out. man, that sounded emo. no matter what i say when I'm down or if i may sometimes feel like ending everything, I have to think about the future, there are so many things that I want to do before i die. so many things. I want to have a family. I want to be called Mum... so, even when i'm really depressed, I don't want to die. i don't want to kill myself in any which way. yes i do stupid things but i don't want to die. btw, if you weigh 8st 11lb then you can take 6 paracetemol within the same hour and be ok, even on a very empty stomach. I wouldn't reccomend it, makes you VERY dizzy, and sleepy but it won't kill you. you have to take 8 if you want to die.

Friday, 11 September 2009

I get such an amazing sense of satisfaction when i make them stiff...

Egg whites- that is! I helped mommy dearest making a lemon meringue pie, 'twas fun!
aw, mine matey mate, willy-will was illy-ill today and not in school :S awwwww i hope he feels better soon. and rather selfishly, i hope i haven't caught the bug :S

Thursday, 10 September 2009

I haven't written here since 2006/7 and i deleted that.

Anyways, Robert confused the hell out of me...it'd be so much easier to hate him if i didn't love him and it'd be so much easier to live if i hated him. but nothing easy is worthwhile is it? i don't really know, but thinkin it helps if i'm honest. i just wish...
well, to be honest, i wish he'd love me back but in the certain case that this won't happen, i just wish i could get over him.