TAKE MY HAND thirteen

It's been almost two months. Two months and I've not heard one word from her sweet lips in all this time. When I was younger and I'd come home from a date with some pretty girl or other I'd ask my big brother how I could ever really know if I was in love. He told me that there are a few things which don't make much sense, they just sort of feel right. He said the first thing was speaking, it just happens. The second is walking when we're toddlers; just instinct. The third is love. There's not a finite formula to tell you when you've found something worth holding on to. You just know. There's no hesitation. No paranoia. No double glances or "I wonder.."s or "what if"s. Love just is.
Caitlyn had always been my life.
I hope she still is.
I don't know why it took me so long to see it for myself but one day I just woke up and realised that I wanted to spend every hour of my life with Caitlyn.
If she felt the same then wouldn't she be able to tell me?
If she loved me, if she wanted to be with me, surely she would know, wouldn't she have decided by now?
I find myself staring vacantly up at the off white ceiling of this room night after night. Things were so much easier when we were younger. I remember the night that we snuck into her tiny apartment as quietly as we could so as we didn't wake up her roomate, Hetty. We fell into bed, still fully clothed. I wrapped her in my arms and held her hands in mine, gently resting my head on her back, smiling as her pigtails tickled my face. Her hair smelt like almonds. Her skin like cinnamon. I held her close as her breathing slowed and grew deeper and her hands fell limp against mine. The strap of her dress slipped over her arm leaving her right shoulder bare. I kissed her naked skin and wished that I could live eternally in that moment; wishing that somehow this beautiful girl could be mine, wishing that I could be hers.
Two months. How could she love me when she's been hesitating for two months?
Maybe I should stop waiting for her, maybe I should talk to her again. Oh God. It's 3.56 in the morning, how did that happen? Can I call her now? I'll never sleep if I don't.

TAKE THE GUN FROM MY HAND AND PUT IT TO MY HEAD twelve

Finally. I raised an eyebrow at my computer's screen as my messenger alerted me to a new email in my inbox. Elin certainly took her time when it came to helping me. Oh well, I guess it's always been her way really but she's always come through for me. I tugged my unruly hair back into something which half resembled a chinon and then brushed the loose strands of hair which usually tickled my face behind my ears. Then I opened her message.

Hi Caitlyn.
Plus.... just calm the fuck down.
And think rationally.
... You calm yet? Good.
Nicole's a slut. I thought you knew that from the start. Will could never have liked a whore like her.
Just, ask yourself. Do you really imagine yourself being with Will and no one else for the rest of your life? If the answer's yes, then go for it. Just... remember not to get too caught up.
And if this is some shitty prank, I will drive over to your house in the dead of night and skin you alive and rip your hair out of your pretty little head and plait it and use it as a dog lead.
Capiche?
x

I found myself chuckling aloud for the first time in a while. My happy laughter bouncing about the empty study; only to knock me with its eerie reverberations. Happiness is fleeting but somehow darkness has the inate ability to cling onto you and suck your life away until you're limp and alone. But for the time, a short time at least, I was happy.
I read over the email...liar, she doesn't even have a dog. My eyes smiled appreciatively at her silly, cynical joke. It reminded me of all of the years I'd spent messing around with Elin when we were both younger. It felt like a lifetime ago. I suppose that for Elin it was a lifetime ago. I'd barely seen her since she'd had her baby. She always said that she had no inclination to have kids but then she'd met the right man and I guess she just changed her mind. Jean-Luc was always so good to her, I'm glad now that she ended up marrying him and they really did make a beautiful child. Her name's Alison. I was angry when I first found out though. I wanted marriage and kids. Not her. I've got a crappy part time job and not a lot else whilst she has everything that I want. I never was any good at coping with this stupid envy of mine, you know? Still, we're friends again now. We never officially stopped being friends exactly, I was just awkward about spending time with her since all the time I was with her I was wishing that I could trade lives. Although that wouldn't have been much of a fair deal would it? So, despite myself, I realised that I was just happy that she was living a good life and eventually, I would find my own fairytale.
Now I have a Prince Charming asking for my hand in marriage but this stupid damsel's so distressed that she can't make up her silly mind.
I pulled my hair down again and twiddled with the tendrils around my fingers. A habit of twenty-seven years is hard to break and somehow, messing up my already messy hair sort of helped my decisions to form in my mind better than usual. Well, sometimes it felt like that anyway.
I thought again about Elin's words. If I want to have Will as my life forever and ever then I should go for it but don't get too caught up. Will already is my life. He's my entire life. I haven't got anything else. I have some fairly close friends but no one quite like William Vale.

STARE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME eleven

So darn snide. Not one thing could leave his lips without being lined by some kind of jab. Yes he was my friends. Yes we shared some laughs but hell yes did we argue and some. mmm hmmm. Jamie. If you didn't know him like I did then you'd think him to be the sort of person that spoke without thinking but I was perfectly aware that with him it was infact the opposite. Jamie didn't say anything that wasn't premeditated, planned and perfectly putrid when he was miffed at you. He could be your best friend and with a change of the wind; the knife running along your wrist. Jamie.
He was succinct, to the point. Maybe that's why I trusted him. He might not do it in the kindest way but he'd always give me what I wanted; the truth.

You mean he simply proposed to you suddenly, even though you've hardly been seeing him and he's been with someone else.
Yes, I know what this is what you want, and I also know Nicole is a bitch. But that's hardly the point. You can't just rush into these things.
It's your choice, though. Don't really know what I can say to change your mind. You've never listened to me in the past.
Jamie.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but he wasn't seeing her, was he? Silly. As per the usual my wonderfully paranoid side had taken over, whenever I heard of Nicole I convinced myself that she was helping my Will after hours...with a lot more than the filing. Maybe she'd grown up a bit since our school days though.
When I was younger I was desperately jealous of Nicole; the golden girl who forever did everything infinitely better than I ever could have hoped to have done. She had her flaws but I don't think that she was a particularly bad person, she just didn't understand how to act sometimes. She'd speak out of turn and say the most stupidly hurtful things. She'd befriend you, make you trust her and then get those imaculately manicured claws of hers into your man. Not the Will's my man. Nor was he ever my man. But the fact remains the same that Nicole was not trustworthy. I had every right to be a little concerned when I knew that she'd started working at Will's company and fairly closely with him at that.
I "can't rush into these things"? What do you think I've been doing for the past few weeks?! I told Will that I'd think about it and I've done naught but run his words over and over in my mind. Allow his gentle voice to sail across the void between reality and my slumber. His mellow, soothing tones, as close to a smile as sound could ever be carressing me. No, I haven't rushed into anything.
I may have rushed into one or two situations when I was younger though. That's probably what Jamie had meant by his last remark; "you've never listened to me in the past". That wasn't entirely fair. I did listen to Jamie. Just not all of the time. Just not when it came to what guys would be good for me. Perhaps my ears did owe him more time than they offered but the past is in the past, as Fleetwood Mac once sang, "Yesterday is gone." and it, sure as chocolate can do wrong, (another of my Mum's sayings) ain't ever gonna come back.
That's why I'm scared. Scared. Something I've not admitted in a long time. Will and I have and always have had something that people have envied, something that's held us together even when we've been a couple thousand miles apart. I don't want to say "love". I don't want to because if I speak the spell then maybe it'll be broken. If I get together with Will and promise myself to him for better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health it would have to be forever. No one gets themselves into a relationship without at least the hope that it will last forever and so I'd said that I was absolutely in love with every one of my past boyfriends. Every last one of the ruthless bastards who'd claimed we were better off as friends. If I said that this was forever with Will then it would really have to be because if it went wrong then I don't think we could ever have back the past we'd known together. The yesterday of us would really be lost. Forever.
I do love him. I do but I'd prefer to have him forever as my friend than for a little while as something more and then lose him. I couldn't do that. To either of us.
For just a moment I fell away from the world; away from the trouble of writing out a list for groceries, remembering to pay a visit to my parents, callinging in sick to work like so many mondays I'd known before. I was with Will, I was five years old and lying in this arms cuddled up under his spiderman duvet on his teeny single bed with silly pigtails in my hair. Safe and warm. A comfort I don't think I've ever felt without Will. My best friend, better than any boyfriend.
The grandfather clock that had once belonged to my parents chimed softly, allowing me to drift smoothly out of my day dream. I gazed up towards the clock's ancient face but the arms were blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smudging freshly applied mascara down my cheeks, and swigged the last dregs of tea from my mug before getting up from the computer where I'd read Jamie's email and heading the kitchen to make myself a new cup. Just like so many mondays I'd known before.

BLOOD IN MY VEINS AND BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS ten

Sometimes chaotic craziness just makes feel as though you could tear your own heart out but other times insanity can make you feel a little better. That's how Laurence was for me. He was utterly mad but his peculiar yet lovely remarks always manage to give me some kind of perspective on what really matters. Right from when I was young....not that twenty seven isn't young but 13 is a lot younger...he came out with the most hilarious comments which would kind of wash away whatever I was making myself get down about.
I was a mixed up teenager. Not troubled per se but far from perfect. I'd hold every little annoying thing inside of me until I couldn't bare it and it would take just one more of these pesky little things to drive me over the edge. Instead of screaming I'd cry. I hated people seeing me with tears on my face so I I haven't cried in public for 12 years. Now no one sees the vulnerable side of me.
I could be beating myself up for having missed the bus or wearing the wrong shoes or being caught nonplussed in the middle of a rain scattering without a brolly but then into my day would stride Laurence with those wonderfully wacky questions of his,
"Hey Caitlyn...what underwear are you wearing?"
I'd pretend to be really rather vexed by his invasive inquisition but beneath my pissed-off bravado-facade I found it hysterical. Somehow, the little giggles he provided me with were enough to give me a metaphorical slap around the face which reminded me that things weren't all that bad. Yup, Laurence was a very good friend. So, although I had seen him be serious...on occasion...I wasn't surprised when his reply reached me,

Hahahahaha! I will eat you!

mmm hmmm. Laurence the cannibal. Lovely. His comment did make me think though...why am I stressing about this so much? It's not as though it's a bad thing. Will and I always joked about getting married when we were younger and I always found myself rather attracted to him but this was different. This meant that I'd have to start being responsible. I'd really be an adult.

SO SAVAGELY SWEET nine

I didn't have the energy to tell you the story concerning Richard, far too many long island iced teas, a dance competition....and Tommy. I still don't feel particularly enthusiastic to disclose it now but Tommy's reply to my email appears to be signposting me in that direction. Lucky me.

to caitlyn, bad luck, pal!
i heard they were geting wedded. an awful match, if u ask me. gosh, can u imagine what their children would look like? holy shit...it makes me want 2 cry, it really does. but seriously, nicole's a bitch. reminds me of someone from my old school, though, oddly enough. can't possible say why...what was his name? but anyway, i'm rambling agen. soz. u know, coffee goes as cheap as a kitkat down here in california, it gets 2 ur head. probs not helping, am i? well, u asked for my advice, here it is. if u really love him like we all think u do, then you've got to tell him. before the wedding, preferably. (Seriously, if you stand up in the middle of the wedding and seronade him, I'm calling social services) (Oh, and don't bloody tell him on his aniversary. or his honeymoon, either...jesus christ)...you know, you should probably tell him right now. face 2 face. call him, make the arangements, meet him in town or something. then empty your heart on him. tell him how you feel about him, that's everything, and then see his responce. better he at least knows. if he ditches Barbie-Bitch and takes you, then all's solved. if he tells you a no....well. at least you know you tried. better to at least give it one last shot. u can't go down without a fight, caitlyn! remember what i taught you? in amsterdam last year? (i still can't believe you won that dance-off)...anyway. remember these words of wisdom! Many a man has fallen for a woman in a light so dim he wouldn't have chosen a suit by it...Uhm...if you reverse the roles slightly, i think you get the message. make sure you're certain before u take action. consider it, long and long and hard and hard! That's all from me, i need more coffee. cheers, and good luck.

Amsterdam. Damn them. Richard poured drinks in me whilst Tommy convinced me that I was Ginger Rogers reincarnated. It was our gap year and thanks to all of the late nights and copious abundance of alcoholic beverages (cheers again, Richard!) I now have rather a large gap in what I'm able to remember from that year. I'd always been keen on dancing but preferably on my own or in the dark where no one can see what goes on when my hips start shaking and my feet start tapping to the crazy tunes the DJ's bang out.
I was spinning and kicking and throwing my arms all over the place and as if that wasn't already bad enough, the drinks kept flowing and the music grew louder in an attempt to drown out the cheering the the on lookers spectating the dance contest. I say dance contest but really...well...
I decided to climb up onto the bar which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in 4 inch stilettos and I skin tight mini skirt but it was not my fault. It was Richard and Tommy's faults. I slipped on a drink spillage on the bar and landed on a martini glass...I still have to scar from where the broken glass slashed my skin. I had to go into A&E but the club's owner gave me the title of Dancing Queen of that night. I had won. Oh yes. Although...I do have a slight tinge of the beginning of a sneaking suspicion that this was merely to stop me from suing.

I still won.

Maybe I drank more than one bottle of wine the night that I'd written the email to me friends...Tommy seemed to have gotten the wrong end of the stick about Will's wedding plans just as Caroline had. That wasn't as surprising as his new location in the world though. Throughout school he'd talked about moving over to California and once he'd left he'd gone travelling with a girl I used to know from when I was younger...I can't quite remember her name but I'm glad they ended up together, everybody always said that they were marriage material for each other. Gosh, what was she called? Karen, Kassie...Kayleigh? I dunno...something like that anyway...
I'm still mad at Tommy for the dance contest all those years ago but he did hold my hand when I stayed over night at the hospital getting my thigh stitched up and he did offer to kiss the scar better but I told him that it was quite high up on my thigh and that that would have been a little inappropriate. He's always been a sweetie though. He's over in America trying to persue his acting carreer right now, he's been in soap operas and dramas but he's really looking to find himself a big break now in a movie...preferably opposite some gorgeous girl.
he'd gotten his wires a tidbit crossed in his reply but he'd heard that Will was getting together with Nicole as well...so it couldn't have just been me overreacting then. I'd really, genuinely found myself convinced that Nicole was once again marking Will as her territory like the bitch she was, maybe I should have just spoken to Will like a grown up instead of coming to my own conclusions from rumours.
His reply forced me to think. Everybody knows how much i despise thinking for myself.
I love Will. The more I think of it the more obvious it seems to me that I should already have made up my mind about his proposal.
They always say that when you're in love you just know. So why am I still so unsure about all of this?

i'm your sorry ever after.

Early morning this morning

But I got it, didn't I?? xD I really want that to be the end of it now.

anyways, i've only got 12 more minutes *in the library and time's running low* but I just wanted to tell you that My lovely mate Lolly hung Ken *as in the ken and barbie dolls* because she thought he was evil. hahahaha, even then she knew that all men are bastards. tee hee. nah, i'm kidding, i've got some pretty awesome male friends but I do also know some guys I'd rather I didn't tbh....:S

I hope you like the latest offering of my story. I'm pretty pleased with it :D I'm still trying *and failing* to come up with a name for it so any offerings would be much appreciated!! I'm gonna write Tommy's chapter next saturday cuz I can't see myself getting time again before then but this last one that I've written featured Robert and was certainly interesting to write...he'd given me a lot to think about in his response so that was useful. *yay* Please check it out. I think this girl's done good...finally.
*seven minutes*
I hope Summer's okay...five minutes to midnight...i know that feeling, trust me :)
errrrrrrrrrm, i reckon that's about everything I gotta say right now, enjoy the story!

Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

PUSH ME JUST A LITTLE FURTHER eight

"The things about the rat-race is that, even if you win, you are still a rat."

I had to learn that the hard way but from a great teacher. Robert and I had always had a somewhat turbulent friendship. We could natter about nothing or discuss things that really did matter but we were and still are two very different people with different views and different dreams. I just hoped that after five years... really? Five years, how did that happen? Well, I guess I hoped that maybe things would have been better. Hope's a cruel feeling. Full of the promise of good to come; Hope parades into your life; offering itself as the only life-line, a beacon of goodness in the future yet to reach you. Hope always lets you down, no matter how much faith you put into him he'll turn his back as soon as things get too tough.

Robert was the third response. His first words to me after five long years of silence. I'm somewhat surprised he still remembered me if the truth be told.

I thought you'd given up talking to me after that little incident we have. I can't say anything, you just get on with your life and I'll get on with mine. it was, after all, you who said we should never talk again. Or maybe you're just hypocritical? Either way, I don't give a shit.

No, "hi" and not even a sign of his name. A seemingly subtle but blindingly obvious indication to me that Robert didn't know what to say to me and cared even less...that and the fact that he'd told me, "i don't give a shit" that's always a bit of a clue.
Robert and I were, "two sides to the same coin" that's what Mum always told me. Different yet far too similar. We were highly ambitious and made everything a competition. It started with small things like grades at school but, as I so very often tended to, I went and took it too far.
We share a past which is so full and dramatic and exasperatingly crammed with emotion that we had nothing left for any kind of future together. We were drifting, floating and fading further from each other with each passing day. For so long it had been the wrong of our relationship that had made it feel so right but it wasn't real. It was just a facade. We were no good for each other. I can't remember who saw it first but the wall we'd put up around us was growing weaker...it wasn't cracks in the walls or flaws in the foundations. One day we both realised it was built out of playing cards and so fragile it was tumbling around us.
We'd always argued but they were fun arguments. We teased each other and made little jabs because we could understand the joviality behind it. Then one day we couldn't. Our silliness became snide, our words wounding and even our voices viscious.

"Why do you do that?"
"...Do what?"
"Flirt with every guy in the room."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm not the first to notice it. I protested your innocence for so long but now it's so obvious. Caitlyn, some of these guys have girlfriends you know."
"Yes. I know."
"So what do you think you're playing at then?"
"Robert, listen, this is a party, everybody is joking around and having a little fun, is there anything wrong with that?"
"Fun? You're throwing yourself at anyone and everyone even glancing in your direction."
"What does it even matter to you? It's my life, am I hurting you in some way?"
"I'm trying to look out for you, you're drunk and you're making a fool of yourself. Do you really want some bastard to take advantage of you."

I grew aware of the slurr in my voice and even as I was speaking I wasn't quite believing the deceptions of my own lips.

"I don't know. Maybe. It's be a hell of a lot more of a laugh than standing here with Mr. Too-Frigid-For-Fucking-Words."

I regretted what I'd said even before the twinkle in his eyes dimmed. Somehow the words, heavy with venemous anger, kept spilling from my open mouth.

"Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Grow a pair you prat. You think you're looking out for me? I'm 22 for god's sake. I don't need looking after."

I wanted to stop. Robert's face had clouded cold and blank. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but I wanted to show him that I was independent, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to hurt him. I grabbed the first guy who passed us by, he was a randomer from university that I'd maybe said, "hi" to once or twice. I didn't know his name, I didn't want to. I kissed him hard and with purpose. It was the worst kiss of my life; almost agressive with no heart at all. He wasn't holding me warm and secure he was groping all over me. He tasted of alcohol and cigarettes. I felt sick. Sickened by him and sick with myself.
I turned back to Robert. I stared him defiantly in the eye as if to say "See." I think Robert understood immediately.
"I see. Fine. If that's how you want to live your life then fine, Caitlyn. Goodbye."

He walked away from me.

"Go on. Turn your back and walk away. See if I give a damn. Don't ever speak to me again."

I spat those words after him and until today I'd never been sure of whether he'd heard that last part.
I'd won the race but I was still a rat.
I guess that after five years I was hoping for him to see my cry for help as an olive branch. No such luck.
Hope'll offer you comfort for five minutes but he'll leave you before the sun even rises.

...

Anyone fancy some tea and toast?

XxXxXxXxXx

So....yeah.

I'm a dum dum dummy but life's not over and face-painting was really rather grand today.
awwww, tommy looked so darn pretty...sorta drag-queen-ish but ah wells. R. WELLS EXISTS!!! ty on that one elin :D
according to someone in Tommy's family...i'm his, "lass" *quizzical raised eyebrow look!!! xD*
I was just on the phone ot Tommy and he said something silly and then said, "sorry, you can slap the phone"

so i did.

and it died.

I called back straight away bit he thought that i'd gone and hung up on him. eeek.

ergle.

i don't feel like raving...or dancing for that matter; i don't feel like dancing, dancing *some lyrics that I don't know* dancing, dancing *or something along those lines*


So...helped to raise money for children in need today; always a good thing :D


i really don't want to dedicate another moment of my mentally pondering over the sheer cruddiness of my physics and biology exams today :S
i had some stuff on my mind. great. but only my fault, so i can't complain.

...just wait until it all blows up...things always get worse before they get better...isn't that the way? hmmmmmmm

i can't stop writing in italics which is annoying. ah wells. R WELLS xD love it!!


i did rather fancy sharing something with you but i now can't for the life of me think what so i reckon i may just tuck myself into bed and away with slumber. I started a new book on the weekend; 'tis called "second chance" by Jane Green and I'm really rather enjoying it actually. I've not read a great deal yet but it's sweet...fairly sad in parts but laugh out loud funny at other points. I hate marcus...he's so mean to holly. poor holly. she loved tom, you know? he died in a terrorist attack :( i love how it's written, it's third person predominantly but there are also lil ol' insights into the characters' minds like soliloquies in drama methinks. I'm tired.


yawn



ooooooooooooh, robert gave me my newspaper from germany today. hazaaaaaaaar! xD


Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

eejit eejit eejit

I only blame me,
I am an utter eejit,
A stupid mistake.

^^trying to convey a point in haiku is hard...well, i got myself into trouble by doing something idiotic and i feel horrid. how clever.
i'm making a sign for face painting right now cuz i'm helping with it tomorrow for Children in Need. then i'm off to revise, i intend on doing reasonably well and Oxford and Cambridge are looking for A's and A*'s in pretty much everything and I like to keep my options open, you know?

Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

Okay so i found this on Robert's blog...

...BUT IT'S AMAZING!!!

!!CHRISTMAS!!

Love, love, love it!!! *Cue Harvey's "love-it" face xD*

goodness, i've not written properly in a while, have i? :(

I would so like to yell pauca somewhat intriguing aspects of MY LIFE at you but i'm gonna go stuff my face with ice cream of the mint-chocolate chip *my fave* variety...it's been melting for about ...25 minutes so far :S i'm busy uploading thingies onto my iPod.

ergle. 29/35. not pleased.
if i can scrape an A i'll cry with happiness and in the almost inevitable certainty that i get less than that i shall cry with great pain and sorrow and anguish and all that jazz. Although, i'm a bit of a fantasist...so...if i get A* then i will not stop ONE PERSON RAVE-ing for a full half hour and you can hold me to that :D
"i'm feeling like a monday but someday i'll be saturday night"
^^love it xD rock on Bon Jovi
\../ <(-_-)> \../

Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

where should i start...hmmmmm?

It's roughly 8.30 and i feel as though i may or may not just pass out imminently *probably spelt that wrong:S* My chest feels really heavy and it hurts to breathe in.

burn me burn burn me burn me burn burn burn

Instead of answers, it's full of i don't know's. The searching continues with nowwhere to go.

I've had bad days. Good ones too but those don't help me convey the point i'm trying to make...so, my bad days; i've seen things that i hope no one else will have to. I've felt so close to the edge that i can feel the ground slipping from beneath me.

Not once have I felt God.

They told me that when you've hit rock bottom, you'll feel him. God is there for you. He wasn't there for me. He didn't call me to see how i was or put his arm around me or hold my hand when i was scared. God was not there.

I don't care about any kind of "proof" there is that God doesn't exist. I don't feel him and that is all the proof I need.

I'm sorry.

that's the way it goes i suppose.

I go a Bonjovi CD...love Bonjovi :) *grin grin*

errrrrrrrm...

Love for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
p.s
Hey remember the time when I found a human tooth down on Delancey
Hey remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth
Hey remember that time when my favorite colors were pink and green
Hey remember that month when I only ate boxes of tangerines
So cheap and juicy, tangerines

Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare
Hey remember that other time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes
Hey remember that time I tried to save a pigeon with a broken wing
A street cat got him by morning and I had to bury pieces of his body in my building's playground
I thought I was going to be sick, I thought I was going to be sick

Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Parliaments
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Marlboros
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Camels
Hey remember that time when I was broke
I didn't care I just bummed from my friends
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

Hey remember that time when you od'ed
Hey remember that other time when you od'ed for the second time
Well in the waiting room while waiting for news of you I hallucinated I could read your mind
And I was on a lot of shit too but what I saw, man, I tell you it was freaky, freaky

"that time" by Regina Spektor
p.p.s ange did shrooooomageismness 'n' all that jazz xDDDD
...that's a joke btw...

mmmm hmmmm

Dumps like a truck truck truck...

damn i love her.
check her other things too.
v. cool.

errrrrrrrrm, i had a bunch of crud i wanted to say but my min'd now as blank as my yet to be started latin homework *yay go me* xD

missed jedward last night :'( woe is me.
ah well. they HAVE to go out this week.

ARGH!!!! DR. WHO TONIGHT :D ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH XDDDD love it :) *cue Harvey's "love-it" face!!*

teehee

Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

"She had dumps like a truck truck truck.....

thighs like what what what
all night long
let me see that thong"

^-^

mwhahahaha

see, i was planning on writing a couple more chapters this weekend which would have featured....*hang on a sec, just checking my inbox....CHECKED!* Robert and Tommy. However, i'm out until 4 today and then i'm working on latin and science + revision and tomorrow i'm doing english and math so i dunno when i'm next gonna be able to grab a spare minute to natter on as Caitlyn. Sorry :( i'll try but this is just a lil warning that i don't think you'll be seeing any more of the story til next weekend :S

I'm so annoyed, i watched the 6th sense *great film* last night but missed Michael MacIntyre's interview on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross and i actually love him just a lil bit. he rocks. a lot. and stuff. 'n' ALL THAT JAZZ.

...one person rave...

HAHAHAHAHAHA

LOVE for the Lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

what's happening?

what is this? what the fuck is this? what's happening to me? what's happening? ow. ow. oh god, it hurts so much. i feel sick. just stop. STOP. STOP IT. please. i. i. i. i. i. i. i. don't. i. don't i? i don't know. i don't. OW. please. JUST STOP PLEASE. I can't take. i. it hurts. it fucking hurts. please stop. i don't know. i can't i? can't. i CAN'T. this doesn't make any sense. STOP.

Okay, I'm being deliberately melodramatic but something just happened and i actually don't understand it and i don't know why it's made me feel like this but it's as though my eyes are welling and tears have begun their swelling. and all i feel like i can do is cry. i chose not to say "all i want to do is cry" because who wants to cry? who ever wants to cry? apart from actors and actresses or someone faking pain to get out of something or someone with something in their eye trying to wash it away...but that was NOT my point, most certainly and definitely not my point...but then again i'm sure what my point really is so perhaps that was my point and i'm not telling you? or perhaps not. this is tiring.

Right, let's start again, my heart's beating too fast.




I've learnt two chords on guitar *go me xD* I know A major and E major which are both pretty easy since you only have to use three fingers on the fret board and you play all the strings open on E but not the 6th on A :) Ange was showing me a warm-up/exercise-y-type-thing on it which I still SUCK at...I keep strumming the wrong strings....ah wells. Oooooh *i almost typed 'poo' there...silly kaytei...* i've been meaning to mention for a while that wouldn't it be cool for somebody with the surname Wells to have the initial of their first name be an R....that way, whenever I say "ah wells" they'd think that i was talking about them. teee heeee. *go me* aren't I clever. not really. actually not at all really. sorry about that, but you're not as smart as you reckon you are. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooool.

Got around to watching Stuart, Lancaster, Tudor and Hannover try their luck in House Drama today...I'd seen York and Windsor yesterday. I reckoned the Lancaster should have won really but then again, I may be a little biased since I'm actually a little bit in love with a member of their cast. Alex Parsons. *swoon* nah, i'm kidding, that'd be slightly paedo-ish...hmmmmm :S he was feckin funny though xD love it!! he had a very big baguette. intentional inuendo *rock 'n' roll*

ooooooooooooooh, another thing i've been meaning to share *cuz i'm generous like that*

ONE PERSON RAVE!!!

oooooooooooooooh yeah. dang it feels so good. even on a chair, ONE PERSON RAVE. one person rave. ONE PERSON RAVE. one person rave. ROCK on!!! xD

wherever you go, however you go, RAVE! be it on a train, in an airport. sitting in you fridge or upon the kettle, ONE PERSON RAVE!!! love it :D

...one person rave on a chair....

^that's me right now mwhahahaha xD
i actually just did it. that's a little lame ain't it? just a tad. a taddly tidbit. not quite as lame as a llama except llamas aren't lame apart from those which technically are lame, however, the fact remains that such a little outburst of shame was indeed a little lame. ah wells. R. Wells.

oh. My. GOD. OHMygod.

CAZ!!! that's the only way i could think of writing it, i hope you get what i mean xD

jajaja. in da club. or wherever. one person rave.

errrrrrrrrrrrm, i'm feeling so much better now, dang i love writing this. ooooooh, try saying, "anyhooble" feels sooooooooo good to say.

HEY! 'tis frday 13th and thus far, things are holding up pretty well. I'm nowhere near as superstitious as i was before but i still wear my special lucky necklace *which btw is really pretty, golden four leaf clover with pearls and a black saphire :D* which my Nan gave to me for a little added protection from folklaw's evil-ness-ism-age...and stuff 'n' junk and ALL THAT JAZZ. LOVE chicago!!

this is a long one but it feels as though it's been while.

Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx
p.s going out tonight *wiring it up y'all* 'n' town tomorrow. YO.
p.p.s ONE PERSON RAVE. DO IT. NOW. I'M WATCHING YOU. grrrrrrrrr

I was all prepared for my swine flu jab...

So...I got my swine flu jab about...fourty (?) minutes ago in my left arm. The injection lasted about as long as the HPV jab did, it has similar side effects and it should also be making me feel sort of sleepy but to tell the truth, my eye-lids have been drooping for a lot of today :S and then the nurse gave me the ordinary flu vaccine as well...loverly -_-' I got that one in my right arm. the injection was teeny and lasted about a second, I kind of laughed about how quickly it was over xD NOW MY ARMS ACHE >:[ i dunno how i'm gonna get to sleep tonight...with the HPV one I just lied on my right side. I'm completely screwed now. loverly. I didn't get any of those cool round plasters or a sticker or a lolly. :'( i was a little disappointed. I really could have gone for a lolly.
ERGLE. I really didn't do very well in the mock physics paper today, i actually felt like crying. I'm doing really pretty well in english and history and latin's going okay and drama's AWESOME; totally loving it!! but i'm awful at math and science. DRAT AND BLAST. love saying that ^-^ heh heh
Martin got the swine flu jab as well so I can stop worrying about him catching it now :) seriously...since...august *i think* I've been hoping and praying *yup, when you're that worried; you don't laugh at God*that he won't catch it or that if he does he'll be okay. we need to keep an eye on him tonight because the jab may cause him to have an epileptic fit. we have the monitor switched on all night though. and his medication's been working really steadily for a while now. he just got reviewed and his doses don't need upping just yet *yay* he's always pulled through before. yup, he'll be fine, mighty fine, fine and dandy. yup, Martin's a little fighter :) my little miracle brother.

anyhoooooooooooble, how are you? this has been a pretty one sided conversation thusfar...don't mean to be rude, i'm afraid it just comes naturally. btw, if you're reading this, Tommy, promise, promise, promise me that'll never smoke :)

Give a listen to this song...I'm not Christian but you gotta admit, these lyrics ring pretty true,

"No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls
After some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
when it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane
Starts to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love hand in hand
with someone else and they hope that they’re mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door
And they say “We’ve got some bad new, sir,”
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
When the crazies say he hates us
and they get so red in the head
You think that they’re about to choke
God can be funny
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha, ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
when they’ve lost all they got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
that the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re saying their goodbyes

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
When the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head
you think that they’re about to choke
God can be funny
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
(repeat)
No one’s laughing at God in a hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war

No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one’s laughing at God
(repeat)
We’re all “laughing with God”"

mmm, good song.

Love for the lovely *h2G, i love you guys*
XxXxXxXxXx
p.s periods SUCK! they ought to die in a hole and leave me the heck alone. grrrrrrrr.

CHECK IT!!

The SKY's the limit

dust and darkness

bury me in your ashes and smother my breath away. tie me down and carry me soaring, away, away. for in the dust and darkness. in the black of night and day. in the endless falling rain. in you, i found a way. i light of chance and wonder and hope. of something worth clinging to. So when you leave, i'll be leaving, away, away with you. you'll lead me and i'll follow, take me and i'll come. wherever i'm heading, you're the only one. the only thing that i can understand. the only thing i can stand at all. when you are and have everything the rest is left to fall. and tumble and unravel it does. engulfing itself within its own shame. the dust and darkness consume each other. left alone is your light to shine. and if you'll lead me i will follow, take me and i'll come. we'll entwine and live and last and love together whilst the world is left to come undone. to me you're the only thing that really matters. so as the dust and darkness deplete and fear scatters. whilst the dreamless sleep of those lying alone shatters. and down to earth an empty shadow pitter-patters. and the dust and darkness feed on each other's own hearts. we know that the end for some has risen but for us. this is our start.

LIFE'S FADING FROM MY EYES seven

The next responce to my plee for help via email came from one Miss Sweet Caroline. Cazz. Cazzamatrazz. Cazzaline. She went by many name's when we were a little younger but it doesn't really make a difference. A rose by any name would smell as sweet after all. She's one of the most insecure people I've ever known but she's forever looking mighty fine. She's still got low self esteem even though she's married. Surely that lovely husband of hers wouldn't have proposed to her if he wasn't mad about her. They've been married for about three years now and before they wed they dated for...nine years I think. He's a really lovely guy and she deserves him since she's a really lovely girl. I wouldn't want anything but the best for her. She's stood by me for some of my darkest and most sleep-reducing times. Now was no different



Wait....Will's proposed to YOU or to Nicole....?If it's you then you'd bloody say yes. But if it's to Nicole...then there's nothing you can do.Just wait until their relationship deteriorates. It'll happen.Nicole's a bitch, and Will will know it.Will's a smart guy, right?xxx



Hang on...did my email really give the impression that he'd proposed to Nicole? Was I drunk at the time I wrote it?! No. Surely not. You can't get drunk off of just one, one bottle of wine, can you? Okay...so I may have been very, slightly tipsy but I'm not some sad, "cue violins" kind of case, inebriating herself to escape real life. I'm a social drinker. I was sharing a couple of glasses of wine with the inhabitants of Albert Square. Nothing wrong with that.

See, since Will had hired Nicole as a secretary at his new law firm I'd just assumed that he had been interested in her again, just as he had been when we were younger. Caroline must have thought the same. I hadn't spoken to Will properly since he'd set up his new firm. Tired of picking up the slack at other firms; holding them together, he thought he'd try his luck for himself and make his own job. Worked well for him. It took a lot of money though. Near on all of his savings were sunk into just setting up so he had to make it work. I guess that when you know how important something like that is, it's not too hard to motivate yourself into spending many hours working at it. Still, I had meant that once again, communication between us had shrunk to an occasional email, a hurried phone conversation and a scribbled out christmas card. The last thing in the world I expected from Will had been a proposal. Fate likes smacking you like that sometimes though...maybe she just wanted me to wake up for a sec. I don't know. There's a lot that I don't know. Will always had the answers, he knew a lot...about a LOT. Whenver I didn't get a word in English; he knew the meaning. When I didn't understand the terms of treaties and such in history, he always had the time to explain them to me. Caroline's right, Will is a smart guy, but is she right about me saying "yes" too? She's as sure as I want to be and I am mad about Will...maybe I always have been but something doesn't feel quite right. This is all so sudden.

PIERCE MY HEART AND WATCH MY LIFE GUSH AWAY six

Richard was the first of my eight trusted friends to reply. Richard had always been more Will's friend than mine but Will generally had a good taste in people and he didn't often choose to befriends anyone who was likely to cause trouble. Nicole was of course, a great exception to this rule. Bitch. That was harsh, I apologise...to you for having to read that...not her; bitch. So, Richard had started off as a friend of a friend but over the years I'd grown to really rely on him. He was one of the good guys. The sort of bloke who'd never get you drunk with any ulterior motives...apart from making you humiliate yourself in a dance contest...I really don't have the energy to get into that right now. Richard was full of silly quips and sweet words to make me smile whenever I'd gone and gotten myself upset over everything stupid that didn't really matter.

Wow, Caitlyn! That's great! Will is such a nice guy, you're lucky to have him with you. I'm sure he'll look after you when you get married (if you accept)!

Richard is a really busy guy so I was glad he'd found the time to reply somewhere in his busy schedule. He's a surgeon...he'd always joked about cutting people up when we were younger, I found that sinister but now he's saving people's lives. Get him. Nah, I'm not mocking, I'm just pleased for him. So, Richard's reply made little difference to the whirring in my mind but it was lovely to hear from him anyway. His reply supported the half of me yelling, "Say yes!!! Go on, what are you waiting for?! SAY YES." but that still wasn't enough to jump on the other part of me and silence that voice which wailed, "I'm not ready for any of this!"
Richard was always prompting me into making my own decisions in life and he still was now. All I really wanted was for someone to tell me what to say to Will.
It's childish but I'm 27 and I still don't feel ready to get married. Will wasn't even dating me. We've never dated. We always agreed that it'd be too weird, just too weird, or as our younger selves had said, "gross!" He'd forever been my best friend, not my boyfriend and now he wanted me for his wife. I don't think I've been this confused since double physics, Friday afternoons as secondary school. Yeah, Richard's reply's sweet but I'm no closer to reaching my EUREKA moment just yet.

YOU LICKED MY HEAD

YOU LICKED MY HEAD! YOU LICKED MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!! OMGOSH!!!

i'm not complaining xD

I've been begging Friday to show his head all week and now he's here! Gosh, his visits are always well received...apart from when his roguish sibling Friday 13th comes along, that is!!! Goodness. i feel bad for those doing house drama on that day. losers. nah, i'm kidding, i hope they have fun, i'm uber jealous cuz i can't do it anymore :'( i thought i was gonna say something but maybe not :S i'm off to feed on lasagne...mmmmmmmm, lasagne...bill murray's voice always comes to mind when i say lasagne xD

apparently, i fancy someone whose first name begins with one of the first five letters of the alphabet...surely i should know about this?! Either A B C D or E?! hmmmmmmm

enjoy the weekend!
love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

...so maybe i do have asthma?

Right...so my breathing problems are in fact asthma but i have strong lungs and my, "condition" ain't nearly enough to warrant any medication. Besides it only really gets triggered when there's dust in the air or pollen...i'm allergic to it like hayfever except i cough instead of sneeze. and when i get a cough it really does take my breath away. anyways, my name's still in the system of the asthma clinic. I'm getting it next tuesday at 7.30 in the evening so my arm should still ache enough for me to be excused from PE come thursday *foot shuffle plus arm thrust and YES!!* oooh yeah, i shall be missing netball next week *TG or A or B of other B or whoever*
So, Nik went and wandered back into my life today, would you adam 'n' eve it? (you wouldn't believe how long i've been dying to use cockney rhyming slang for xD) I know right?! He's now my mate on facebook, yeah, innit. Get this, his surname is

Lobanov-Rostovsky

and he's in a band and he's studying music at university. He plays guitar and keyboard and sings. I thought that he was British from his accent but this surname suggests Eastern Europe so is Nik short for Nikolas or Nikolai or summat?! gosh, i'd love it if his name was short for Nikolai xD he has a tongue piercing and a nose ring and tattoos, he rides a motorcycle. he smokes *gag gag puke puke...but he's young enough to quit ;)* he's a skater 'n' all! he drinks alcohol and uses a bong. he has a six pack but says foooooooooddd baby just like me xD he called me chachi *?:)* ooooh, and his birthday's the day before mine!!!! can you adam 'n' eve it *had to say that again!!* basically, he's kinda arty 'n' cool and interesting but he's also a complete and utter dossing douchebag of a stoner-pot-fiend. uhuh. i like him 'n' all but i'm a good girl. I freak out when I don't get homework in on time...i'd cry if I got a C grade. I barely swear...unless i'm really annoyed. I say gosh and goodness instead of God, i hold the door open for people and speak politely. I wear my skirt at an appropriate length *appropriate for what eh? ;)* nah but seriously...I am a good girl. He's cool but he's a bad boy! He's sooooo wrong for me!! he's cool but i'm not interested like that xD still good to hear from him though :)

Love for the lovely
xxxxxxxxxx

I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do...

Mmm, today wasn't great but it's November and there's rain and it's cold and dark...what can you expect really?
ERGLE!!!!
I'm getting jab next...tuesday (?!) methinks to protect me from swine flu. ARGH! I wasn't even aware that I was in the "at risk" category but I suffered from breathing problems (not asthma; although that's what I was tested for :S) when I was quite a bit younger...9 or ten and my GP obviously reckons it's more serious than they wanted to let on to me all them years ago. I don't really mind about needles but I'll get an achey arm and it'll last for days :'( Then I have two more HPV jabs *next one's coming up on the 27th i think* and an MMR booster. That'll make five jabs this year. goodness. I was looking forward to my first HPV jab....weird, i know...it's just that i barely ever get jabs and it was gonna be a rare occasion and rare occasions equal intrigue and yada yada yoda yoda 'n' such 'n' all that jazz but FIVE, in ONE year?! goodness.
hmm, today was as bad as the time I cried when I couldn't open my locker, I really need to get a grip. hmmm, i do believe so.
ARGH YOU SCARED ME...or not. whatever.
There were so many things i wanted to say yesterday but now my mind's as empty as...well...i'm so empty I can't actually think of anything...clever.
BLEURGH

I want to scream but everyone's around and my throat hurts already...

I'll probably write more of that random-ass story on saturday...I don't have any time to really get into it atm. I think I'll devote a short chapter to each of the responses so this could take a while :S I'll try and make it interesting but no promises, eh?

Christmas in...actually i can't remember...either 50/49 days :S sorry about that.

I have to write a history essay for 1st period tomorrow and i've not yet started. aren't i clever, eh?

Ergle, caz, i reckon i'm gonna have to take that plait out soon...i've had it in for 8 days though :S

urgh...PE tomorrow and URGH i think i'm doing netball. URGH. GROSS. VULGARRRRRRRRR.

hmmm
meh
eh

Love for the lovely
XxXxXxXxXx

SLASH ME UP AND TEAR ME DOWN five

I'm twenty seven. I've lived through twenty seven birthdays and christmases. I'm not Christian but my faimly have always celebrated Christmas; even if it was just an excuse for our family to get on. Not that we hated each other. We could scream blue-bloody-murder to one another but we'd scream a million times worse to anyone who'd insult one of us. Close as thumb-tacks. My mum used to say that. We had a pin-board that everything was stuck into; photos, receipts, postcards, drawings, notelets...a miriad of what family is...a mish-mash of trinkets and memories. The pin-board would be so crammed full of our little pieces of mind that there'd be row upon row of thumb-tacks. All mismatched from different sets. Yup, our family were "close as thumb-tacks" all right. Even at twenty seven my mum calls me her dolly...apparently i was quite cute one upon a time...about 26 years ago actually. You'd think that by now she'd use the name which she'd written on my birth certificate. You'd think that by now, I'd be able to make my own mind up. Alas, I'm as indecisive as I was a good twenty years ago. Only the choices I have to make are bigger now. I have a wonderful jury who I can turn to so as I can come up with a verdict on each decision. Traditionally, there are twelve sat in a jury, mine only has eight. They're some of the people I had to let into my life when I learnt that i couldn't always rely on Will. He was my best friend and he was growing up. We both were but it seemed more apparent in him.
Several years after Sophia, Will really did fall for the source of all evil. I'll probably be saying the same for all of his girlfriends. I'm not jealous. I'm not and it's not my fault that he had such bad taste in women. Geez. Nicole Jackson. You couldn't get much worse. Sweet as sugar on the surface but fetid within. She could be kind, even funny and she was very beautiful. The thing was, she knew it. She was very aware that she could have a certain affect on people when she wanted to. She sucked up to anyone she considered worth her time and wound them around her finger; just as she did with her hair.
She strutted. I have to say it! Nicole Jackson actually strutted. I'll never be certain of whether she consciusly chose to do so but it drove me crazy and it wasn't just me either. There were an elite few of us, my trusted jury included, who could see through her benign facade. Nicole Jackson was a bitch. Simple as. Will wanted her?! He could quite possibly have temporarily lost his mind and for this reason, which justified his dating...that; I stayed friends with him. If I blocked his calls every time he did the slightest thing to trouble and upset me then he'd get tired of me. I'd lost him to Sophia once and I wasn't about to let it happen again. I thought to myself that no matter what my role be in his life, as long as it's still there then I am happy. As long as if in some small way Will and I remained connected then I'd put up with anything. Even Nicole Jackson. Although it was pretty grating when he spoke so sweetly of his dear, "Nicky".
My epiphony made me feel so grown up.
I thought I was ready for the big world but I'm still no more than just a little girl. Who needs her friends. Her lovely, beautfiul friends.

Dear EVERYONE!!

I really need some help...please? Okay, Will's proposed.

*breathe!*-I have to keep reminding myself. We haven't been in regular contact lately and now this! I thought that we were drifting apart...to be honest, I thought that with Nicole just beginning work at his firm that the she-devil had returned to dig her claws into him. I haven't got a clue what to do really. Please help.

Love you all
caitlyn
xx

Stepping on a rainbow

I'll tell you if you ask...right now, i'm stepping on a rainbow. Outside, the sky is falling but in here I feel Sunny's rays and gosh are they warm.
Smile, life's too short not to.
AND smiling gives better wrinkles than frowning for when you're older...
just saying

Smile.

I'm stepping on a rainbow and i've got someone to hold my hand and guide me to the otherside. I'm not alone and i wish i could have seen i never really was. i'm stepping on a rainbow and god i feel so good.

LOVE FOR THE LOVELY
XxXxXxXxXx

where are you?

I really, really need you right now and i want you more than that. I love you so much. i don't think you understans that. i've told you so many times but did you hear me? i'm sorry, this is stupid. i'm so confused. I'M CONFUSED *dotcom*

are you listening?

do you get it now?

ergle.

do you promise? say it.
please?

i love you, do you understand me now?

I'M A WALKING DISASTER four

Will and I were each other's worlds...ha, that sounded soppy. I mean that we were always together and hanging around with each other...until university. He moved to America. Apparently a year in the states looks great on you CV when you're getting experience for your Media Course. Thanks again Will, I could have really done with a mate that year.
I bought a calendar...the first time I'd ever bothered with one but I wanted to be able to cross off each day as it dragged itself by. Cross them out of my mind and my life. I'm not the sort of girl who keeps a diary, I'm not the kind of girl who wants to remember every day of my life. They say that good girls keep diaries and the bad girls never find the time. It's not that I don't have the time...I have too much and not enough to do to fill a diary with. If your main pass-time is counting the tick-tocks of a clock marking the mocking minutes that moan by then maybe you'd understand but until then you'll just know me as the loner-girl who's obsessed with wishing away the days of the year.
I had other friends. I slept over at their houses and they slept at mine. We discussed movies and books and whatever else was on our minds at the time. I loved sleeping over at their houses...getting out of mine always felt good. My sleepovers with them were never quite like mine and Will's though. Ha-that sounded a little provocative. It wasn't meant to...or was it...nah, I'm teasing, it wasn't meant to. Since Will's mum and my mum were always being called into school over our behaviour when we were younger, they saw a lot of each other and they always had something to talk about. Will and I. They became good friends so me and Will had play dates when we were younger. Since we were both about six we've been sleeping at each other's houses most weekends...it's just what we do.
The first time I went over to his house to stay the night, he convinced me that the house was haunted and wouldn't turn the lights back on in his room when the sun had gone down. He stood himself in front of his bedroom door so I couldn't even get out onto the landing. It was pitch black but I could have sworn I could see the headless zombie that he'd been taunting me about.
"Will, please put the light back on, please!"
"Caitlyn, you've got to brave if you want to stay the night."
"William Vale! Stop being mean, maybe I don't even want to stay."
"Aw, Caitlyn, don't get upset."
"I'm not upset!"

I gurgled that last line through a choking sob...Will stopped seeing the funny side. He left the light off but wandered over to me and put on his little night light by the edge of the bed. The room was illuminated with stars glowing orange and yellow. Will sat me on the edge of the bed and held my hands, he moved them around him and then brought his own arms around me. I sobbed into his chest and he rested his chin on my head. We were both just six but I felt that he was so much older and grown up than I was just then. He comforted me. Not just that though, he made comfortable. I didn't have to be anyone but Caitlyn Morag when I was with Will. He took my good, bad and down right ugly sides and made me feel on top of the world no matter what.
Anyway, since that night, we'd always slept in the same bed on our sleepovers. That first night I was too scared to sleep on my own in my little sleeping bag so i climbed into bed with him and he just cuddled me close and told me that if anything bad came then he'd put on his cape and fight it because he had super-hero powers. I asked what they were. He told me that when he put his cape on, he could fly.
"What good is being able to fly?"
"I could drop stuff onto the Zombie's head."
"You said that the Zombie was headless."
"I mean that I could drop stuff onto the Zombie's stump."
"Oh."
"Once he's knocked out then I could take you flying with me."
"I can't fly."
"That's okay, I'll hold your hand and then I'll be able to take you to heaven and back with me."
"Okay, thank you Will."

In the morning he said that I needed to get a hair cut because my hair kept getting in his face when had been cuddling me the night before. Since then, I've worn my hair in pigtails in bed...that way it's out of his face and it's always crimply when I let it out in the morning.
Maybe it seems weird for two teenagers of the opposite sex to sleep in the same bed when they have no romantic entanglement but it was so right with me and Will. That's just what we did.

I missed Will. That year went really slowly. I didn't have anyone to hold me or wipe my tears when I cried or share my sighs or laughs with. I had no one to understand my jokes either. I'm not funny. I don't claim to be but I like telling jokes...Will always grinned at my jokes. Maybe it was more that he thought that me trying to be funny was a laugh rather than my jokes actually being any good but his support always made me grin.
I went through three black marker pens that year. Maybe they wouldn't have run out so soon if I'd just crossed the days of that calendar out but I had coloured square in completely. Each day gone looked like black hole forming in my year. All of my days without Will nothing but empty darkness. Yup, that year really did last a long time.

Caitlyn! Hi from the States!
I'm coming home soon...I make it one week and 2 days actually. Not that I'm keeping count. Fancy doing something when I touch back on home ground?
Love, Will

Of course I wanted to do something with Will. I'm not one for making big plans, I'm more the sort of person to live by the philosophy of live for the moment and just take what life throws at you. Lucky for me, Will knew how to make plans! He took me and the rest of our, "crew" our for dinner. I sat beside him at the table and whilst every one else conversed casually over wine and gourmet French cuisine, Will and I laughed about all of the things he'd done on his media mini-course. We had burgers, fries and coke and we ate with our hands. Did we give a moment's thought to the snooty, gutter-snob waiters? My arse did we! If they didn't fancy a tip then being rude to us was their own choice and let them live with it! The others left at about 11pm but Will and I had so much to talk about. Apparently, his course instructor had made him make a music video on the budget of $20! and he had to take the best photograph he could to sum up Colorado. He took a picture of a pigeon. He explained that although Colorado was beautiful, he found beauty in the pigeons because they reminded him of his home back here in London and that no matter how far you are from home, there are always little reminders around to comfort you.
We were eventually asked to leave at 1am. We walked arm in arm back to my apartment. He was singing so I had to elbow him in the ribs to shut him up. I didn't want to wake Hetty, my room mate. Will mock "shhhh"ed at me and I narrowed my eyes. We tumbled into bed together still our clothes and just as he had when we were six he cuddled me close. And insisted that I had to put my hair back up in pig tails. I did. I was just glad to have Will back again.

CUT ME INTO PIECES three

Turns out James really was far from nice. I walked into school the next day to a chorus of "like a virgin..." from James and all of his friends. He'd told everybody. Absolutely everybody. I was mortified, he'd made me feel special, so very fucking special but to him; I was just another shag.
Needless to say, but i will anyways, James and me didn't exactly last as a couple.

So, I turned back to my best friend. The girls were sweet but they didn't get me, they just kept telling me that I deserved better and that I was too good for James and that there were plenty more fish in the sea. He was different, my best friend always knew how to talk to me and what would cheer me up, he told me that he'd castrate James for me when he next got the chance. What else are best friends for? As far as I'm aware, James still has both of his bollocks but the thought of his castration really did cheer me up. Dang, he was a great friend. The best. Where there was a Will there was a way and since Will was always there for me, I always got through fate's practical jokes and felt stronger for it on the other side.
One day, fate came and meddled with Will and introduced him to Sophia, some new student who'd been transferred from Italy. I wasn't jealous. No, I was 17, mature and most definitely NOT jealous at all. Not even a little bit. It's just that she was a cow. Will couldn't see it; love being blind and all that but the conniving little bitch was evil through and through...and I didn't just think that because I was jealous. Because I wasn't jealous. Obviously.
Will seemed to be there for her more than me then. He gave her special looks in class. She held his hand. They whispered to each other when they hugged. It was gross. They were only 17 and they were acting as thought they'd been in love for ever and ever, amen, when they'd been dating for all of about five minutes. He sent me emails and texts and called me from time to time but when he was going out with Sophia, all of his contact felt sort of rushed and forced, as though being my friend was compulsory...I told him so.

"Look, if saying hi to me once in while instead of clinging onto that slut is too much effort for you then don't fucking bother, ok?"
"Hey, don't call Sophia a slut. Where is this even coming from? We've been best friends for something like 12 years, can't you just be happy for me?!"
"This is all about you, it's always about you for fuck's sake. I'm trying to be happy for you but it's kind of hard when you never take my calls and you're always off with her. what about me huh Will?? You've known her for...a year? One year?! We've known each other all of our lives, doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"Jesus, Caitlyn! You're acting like that five year old I argued about dinosaurs with! What's up with you?! I haven't got time for this rubbish right now, I'm going out with Sophia. Call me or email me or something when you get yourself some fucking sense, okay?"
"What good will me calling or emailing do when you're never there to take my calls and you never reply to my emails?"
"Just leave it Caitlyn."

So I did. I left it. For near on two years I didn't speak to him. I didn't acknowledge his birthday and he didn't mine either. I crossed his name off of my Christmas-card list; literally, I remember double striking through it and then cross-hatching over it until all of the letters bled into one ugly black-biro smudge. For two years I held my breath when I passed him in school and slapped my own hand when I reached for the phone with him in mind.
I can't remember, how, why or even when it really happened but one day, I woke up and I wasn't angry anymore. All of the frustration that I'd been carrying around with me, those hurtful, heavy feelings had evaporated and I felt good for it. I looked in the mirror and had to stop from the shock of what I saw. My face wasn't crumpled into some kind of hideous scowl...I was smiling. The first morning in too long to remember that I actually woke up in a good mood. My heart swelled with happiness but then I remembered Will. I'd wasted two years of not laughing and living my life with him for what?! Because I was annoyed about him having a girlfriend? What was I doing? My stupid insecurity had meant that I'd almost lost my best friend. I hadn't even been there for him when he and Sophia broken up...turns out that the cow had to move back over to Italy with her family and she didn't want a long-distance relationship. I had to have him back in my life, I had to hear his voice and see his smile and feel his arms around me again.
Where there is a Will there is a way and luckily for me, fate agreed and granted Will back into my life.

"Caitlyn, it's alright, I understand that I'm absolutely irresistible and you were just jealous of Sophia."

I could have slapped him but I didn't. I was just glad to have my best friend back.

Neither of us had a date for prom. He'd not had another girlfriend after Sophia and I'd been far too busy, occupying myself with hating him to go looking for a guy I might like. We went together. He teased me about my dress and high-heels, used to seeing me in the uniform of jeans, trainers, hoodie I think he may have been surprised to find that I actually had a woman's body beneath it all...complete with curves and cleavage! I teased him about his tuxedo and bow-tie. Yes, it was indeed great to have my best friend back...even if he did look a little bit like a penguin. The other couples took it all so seriously, they gazed into each others eyes, slow-danced, held hands, kissed. Gag-gag, puke-puke. They were so envious of Will and I. We did the hand-jive and the macerana and that old classic...the cha-cha slide. We really tore up the dance floor that night and had such a laugh! Of course, the cool group, who'd been christened thus ever since Junior school, turned their noses up at our enjoyment but who cared? We had fun,we had by far the best prom photo out of everyone from the night (the most gruesome grimaces on the count of three) and we had each other. Yes, everyone else was consumed with envy of Will and I.
Who could blame them?

i gotta write this!!!

I just saw Nik. wtf?! argh!!
i live in guildford...obv...so i come into town a lot i was wandering around with my folks and there he was with one of his friends on his board looking awesome in that hat!!! how oculd i miss him in that hat?! goodness. i can hardly go and talk to him since he's not even replying to my texts. he's 22 and i'm nowhere near so he's not interested...obv...and i was all into accepting that everything happens for a reason but now this?! i go and see him again when I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since monday. fuck. this is lame like a...no i can't even type all that cuz i'm so het up and jesus, wth is fate trying to effing say this time???

BREATHE

I'm gonna write some more of that story...see if i can calm myself down a little :o

BLEED ME DRY two

So, things got a little different when we got a little older...I suppose that's just the way it is. I don't know why it is but perhaps not doting on it too much is for the best. Maybe I'll understand everything that I don't now once I'm dead. Or maybe not. I got my first boyfriend when I was 15. I thought I was so grown up. I guess I was wrong. Hell, I know I was wrong! I did some pretty stupid things. First off, this boyfriend of mine was 18 and he had one thing on his mind and that one thing was not getting a good education or anything else as benign. James. James Fletcher. Such an ordinary name, how was I supposed to know that he'd turn out to be a complete and utter creep? It began all flowers and chocolates, I love yous and you're beautifuls. I was young and impressionable, he was a good-looking older boy who spoke softly to me. He was my first love. Right, this is the soppy bit, come on, cue those violins...ready? Now that the atmosphere's set, he asked me over to his house one night; i knew what was coming, we'd been dating almost a year, he'd been really patient so far and of course, we were in love. I'll spare you the details but it was not magical and there were no fireworks. Despite all of James's big talk, he was pretty...small...if you know what I mean. Well, I'd finally rid myself of that pesky virginity and with a really nice boy too. Yeah, a nice boy.

SUCK THE POISON OUT OF ME one

"Hey...do you fancy getting hitched?"
"...erm...why not? I haven't got much else planned although I am going to the cinema next week."
"How about the week after that?"
"I'll be washing me hair"
"All week?"
"erm..."
"I don't want to make you feel rushed or anything."
"No, no, it's not that it's just..."
"I know I'm being a bit forward and this may not have been the proposal that you've always dreampt of but if you agree to be my wife then I promise you the most beautiful wedding and a more beautiful life."

Well, I said, "I guess I'll think about it" I owe him at least that. He was always a sweet boy, I've known him practically forever. He was my best friend growing up, you know, the kind words on the other side of the phone, the open arms whenever I needed to be held, the smile to waft away the grey of my day.
We became friends in reception. I was five, he was four...we were colouring dinosaurs. He told me that mine must have been ill because I'd gone and coloured him in green. I smirk now, writing this, but at the time?
"He's not ill."
"I'm just saying he looks a bit ill."
"Dinsaurs can be green."
" You mean, the they could be green. They're extic now."
"You're wrong. You mean extinct...idiot.
"At least mine's the right colour."

We both remained very loyal to our own ideas being correct but our debate was brought to an end by the mouse who thought that she had some kind of actual authority over us. She was the class teacher. She's probably no taller than I am now, but she was a goliath mouse if I ever I'd seen one in reception. She sat us down together and squeaked an offering of cheese. Well, she didn't really but that's what I remember thinking would have happened. I told him exactly that. He remained stoney-faced in meeting with my remark...ever so mature as he was but it was he who suggested to me that the two of us bought her a wheel of edam for Christmas.
We bought the cheese...I somehow don't think that she was impressed... he'd taken it from his fridge that morning but we didn't give it to her until the end of school. It had sat in his school bag all day. Next to the radiator. Yum. Both of our mums were sent letters about our inappropriate behaviour.
We were bad, but dang was it good.
I loved those days. The hardest thing that happened was working out the difference between 12 and 21...and I don't mean the mathematical difference, I mean that I struggled to remember which way around the 1 and the 2 belonged. To be honest, my maths isn't a lot better than it was then but that's neither here nor there. If I ever felt that the world was ending then a hot chocolate and one of Mum's cookies would make me feel better. I'd be enemies with the plait-headed blonde one day but back to galloping around the playground with skipping ropes acting like horses with her the next. I loved those days, they were simple.
Junior school was a little harder, not quite adolescent so you can't blame hormones and no longer too young to understand why it's not wise to break all of the tedious rules of school. Not to mention the fact that boys weren't supposed to be friends with girls. Oh no, that was absolutely forbidden. Anyone found to break such a law would be cast out from society...or at least from the cool group anyway. But that was alright. We didn't need anyone else. It was him and me, me and him fighting crime and evil spies and ridding the world of the nasty, invisible entity known as Mr. Nobody. We pushed aside any of the kids trying to be our friends; as far as we were aware, they may have been Mr. Nobody's sympathisers. We were perfectly happy and content to play our silly little games because they were simple and fun. We'd have been so smart to have kept things that way...simple and fun.
Our teen years eventually reared their acne-ridden heads and gawked at us until we accepted that they were now us and not mere reflections. An acceptance that raised so many more unwanted pressures to face. I had to wear a bra and come to terms with my monthly doom...uh huh, I began my periods. It was difficult, battling with the woman that I was turning into. I was growing breasts and my womb was now requesting its acknowledgement. All of my childhood, I'd been one of the guys, a real tomboy. Now? Boys were looking at me.
He never did though.
And I didn't look at him either. We dated. Other people obviously. Our friendship circles widened and we took time apart from each other. I gossiped about boys with my girlie mates and he talked about whatever it is that horny teenage boys discuss with each other...a lovely thought, I'm sure you'll agree. But when we were together none of those trivialities bothered us. No amount of flower petals falling, calling "he loves me, he loves me not" could get to me when I was with him. I was fiveyears old again. Things were good. Simple and fun.

2:20am in the morning....and we just made chicken toast

....or chinese chicken toast with cheese :D

Here's da recipe:

2 slices of wholemeal bread (one for each person)
2 helpings of chinese chicken
2 helpings of mature cheddar cheese

How to make:

1. Poke holes in your slice of the bread.
2. Toast each slice for 4 minutes.
3. Put helpings of chicken into the holes in the toast.
4. Put helpings of cheese on top.
5. Microwave if preferred, or just grab and eat!

:D

Enjoy making your wonderful slices of chinese chicken toast!

cazandkatexxxxxxxx

from the bedroom ....of caroline ;)

...what happens in the group stays in the group...if you know what i mean :P
ARGH!!!! my horoscope came true early xD!! I met a lovely guy named Nik...he's amazing!! I got his number and i wore his hat xDDDD!!! *yay* and now i'm at Caz's...write summat caz...

i like toast
and kate is a sexy bitch :)
we will be flashing tonight... check us on msn HAHAHAMWAHAHA:D
HAHA, steve with the vomit jelly beanss, and wanking the puppets! Sound effects and all! xDD
xxx cazz

maybe more later but for now
love for the lovely
XXXXXXXXXX
p.s me and nik are texting...he's 22 :S what should i do?? he's just gonna think i'm some dumb kid :(

The what?!

"you know, the eye thing"
"that what?!"
"the eye thing"
"...the web cam?"
"yeah"
"..."

My technicalogically illiterate mother :D

write more later!
Love for the Lovely
XXXXXXXXXX
p.s it tickles!

*later*
my horoscope reckons i have romance coming on tuesday and friday...hmmmmmm...

I was very much mistaken :S

Turns out Pepper's a girl...she's slimmer than Bag Monkey so Ange says that she must be a girl. I guess she does look pretty feminine. I don't know where this, "obsession" comes from but it does no harm :) They're the TY Bongo monkeys and I love them very much. Minky was the first and she's been with me through some tough things. The others are just there for her benefit...she needs some company, right? I now have fifteen. oh yes. I was joking about them on the phone to Tommy last night but I reckon that when I'm married I actually will move them into my marital home...heh heh heh xD

I think i'm losing my voice. I can talk but it really hurts and whenever I do, I cough rather a lot so I'ma thinking that I may just give up on speech for a leedle while :)

I bought some funky socks.

I have a weird thing about socks :S I love new socks. These are odd-looking croched thingies in flecked green and purple wool but they are snug 'n' rocking...bet you never thought those words could work so well together...but i proved you wrong! mwahahahaha.

I'm a single lady, I'm a single lady, nanananana, nanananana.
la la la, la la la :P

I'm feeling fine and dandy :)

oooooooooooh, did anyone catch Friday night with Jonathan Ross last night???! It had one of my fave comedians of all time ever; Tim Minchin, on it :D He played a brand new and specially written for the occasion song called "five poofs and two pianoes" and his interview was brilliantly funny and then he did a piano and vocal duet with Jamie Cullam who was also appearing on the show. It was fan-fecking-tastic! look it up on i-player or youtube or something; it was wonderful!
I swear that I am in fact a little bit in love with Tim Minchin...even though he's married...with kids....and he's in his mid-thirties...:S a girl can hope :) He now lives in london so maybe i can go and stalk him :D which of course is a joke :)

hahaha, i convinced tommy that i was a lesbian last night :) i am brilliant. and ever so modest too.

ain't gonna lose, ain't gonna lose. and i'll sing it from my rooftop, sing it from the bus stop, sing it on the street drunk to a cop, oh i ain't gonna lose. no i ain't gonna lose you, ain't gonna lose, ain't gonna lose you.
^ain't gonna lose you by Brett Dennen. LOVE it! xD

Love for the lovely
XXXXXXXXXX

p.s lovely song

oh goodness. there was so much that I wanted to say...

But now I can't for the life of me remember what :S

Half Term's arrived at last :)
I gots meself into a kerfuffle like 'n' i'm all perplexed 'n' junk :S


ah wells

it tickles

and junk

you raise me up

and stuff

and i'm gonna go watch the simpsons

ooooooooooh, ange got me another monkey!!!! He's called Pepper :)
LOVE HIM!!!

*that's ange...and the monkey...:)*

Love for the lovely
xxxxxxxxxx

ohfiticantbebotheredthisissosullandtediousandineedarestandahuggoshicouldreallygoforahugrightnowpleasehug meiwantyouherewithmebutiknowthatitisnotokayandthatisalrightcuziwillbealrightsoonyouknowandyeahwhocaresreallytobehonestdoanyofthismatteridontknowirealltdontanymorethankgoditsfridaytomorrowendit

argh.your head. it's bleedin' like.

poor darling sweeeeeeeeet caroline who's forever looking mighty fine. fine 'n' dandy. may or may not be having her head stitched up right now :S there was an awful accident in which her head came into contact with a hockey stick at speed. there was blood. much blood. but dang is she brave! she smiled to reassure everyone and didn't cry even though there was blood dribbled over her face, down her arm and onto her leg. gosh, i hope she's alright. they said it wasn't too deep but she's gone to A&E anyways :(

Today was a long day. my days are so much longer than the nights, sometimes i wish i could do nought but sleep. sometimes just to pass the time. and it was so grey. so plain. so samey. i wish i could go somewhere new where every corner shows summat shocking. someone take me traelling. i really have to get away. living in the same routine for __ years is so very dull.

guess what? i'm not a lump. i thought i would have been since last time i weighed myself i'd been ill and off of my food but even after eating far too much of everything *especially toast...i've had a real thing for toast lately...* and doing about as much exercise as a sloth but alas, i'm still 8st. 7lb. goodness.
i'll always be shorter and wider than i'd like with limper hair and more flaws than i care for but that's okay...i reckon i'm alright with me now...For the first *no, not the first but the longest thus far* time i'm feeling content with my physical self.

TWUF

erg. i have a history essay to write over half term. oh joy. oh rapture. what fun.
this is such an awful entry...i'm really not in the mood. i'm too tired to function. i was up late since i was at the theatre last night *i know, get me!* we saw, "an inspector calls" at the novello theatre in london. the theatre was gorgeous and the play was brilliant. It wasn't everyone's cup of tea or coffee or whatever floats your boat or li-lo but i rather liked it. the set was fantastic as was the acting and the i loved how the light intensity coordinated with the intensity of the emotion. it was fantastic. i wish i hadn't had to take notes because i'd have liked to just enjoy the piece but it was still good :)

Love for the lovelier than you could ever know
XXXXXXXXXX

an update

I feel sick. alot of the time. for different reasons. i'm so tired. of so many things. but i know it's worth it. when you're trapped in the darkness, it's hard to see that you can ever get out and just...be. but as the cliché goes, the light at the end of the tunnel will show itself eventually and it'll guide you through. the light may come from the smile of a friend or a hug from your little brother or something silly that you hear on the radio. something little that has an impact beyond whatever you could have expected to just remind you that somethings are always gonna be hard but that doesn't mean that it's impossible.
i don't know if i'm making much sense tbh but at least you only have to put up with me some of the time, i'm stuck with me 24/7...oh joy, oh rapture xD

i feel so drained

i need sleep. much like one of mine matey mates dearest i plan on hibernating over half term. i need sleep. but first, i must complete my draft essay for english. fun. i'm gonna go so over the word count but i have a whole year to learn how to write more concisely so what the hey.

Love for the lovely, Switzerland signing out
XXXXXXXXXX

Fright Night was fantastic

but when I got home I couldn't sleep properly. I felt cold and like i was still moving and all i could hear were the screams!! one memory calmed me down and finally allowed me to drift away into slumberland. it's a memory of a day in the summer holidays. if anyone actually guesses it correctly then i'll do them a favour of...pretty much anything. i know that you guys have dirty, one-track minds so i won't say that i'll do anything...just pretty much anything.
you'll never guess it. for as long as you live you won't. URGH history and english h/w. GROSS. it's actually personally offending me. VULGAR. I love saying that word, it feels sooo good. VVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvul-gAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr

Love for the lovely from Switzerland xD you needed to be there!
XXXXXXXXXX

My middle name's Verina

get me!
I finally got around to finding the meaning for it!!
"truthful"
it comes from the Latin, vera, meaning truth. So I have my first name, Katherine meaning pure and then my middle truthful.
Pure and Truthful.
It's so pretty I just really hope I can live up to it :S

Wired Up was pretty darn good yesterday, dancing around like some kinda loon on acid...infact my sobriety was questioned on more than more occasion...uh -oh...gonna get found out. which is a joke of course. i was very sober. just in a good mood. whenever I start typing good I get the urge to write goose...i don't know why.

I'm plannign on watching Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey tonight and I can't wait! I got both their Excellent Adventure and their Bogus Journey for my birthday but i know excellent adventure off by heart so Bogus Journey is the film of tonight! whoa! as far as i remember I've only seen it once and that was forever ago. they're such silly yet AMAZING films which remind me of when I was really little. LOVE it!!!
ARGH!!!! Thorpe Park Fright Night this Sunday, i've never been and it looks amazing and I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo excited!!

but back to today...I have latin, science, english and history homework to do and asides from the science which is a relatively little piece, the others are intent on devouring much of my time. erg. erg most truly and annoyingly. erg >:[ whenever I type that angry smiley I almost type this instead >:{ which is angry mastacheoed smiley xD!!!

WAHEY! *most epicly righteous and immense noise to ever come out of the math room ooooooooooooooh yeah*

My hair's bugging me. It's days like this when all I went to do is shave it off. but i know that i'd regret that. Even though I had a billion or more split ends I regretted trimming my hair a while ago since I missed it being reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaally long! It'll never be as long as I want it though. I saw a girl in Wales with fabulous natural red hair right down to her knees. goodness. absolutely gorgeous.

goodness.

Love for the lovely
XXXXXXXXXX
p.s 2932 words and i'm finished, i'm fecking finished and i'm so done with the roman military. latin is out of the way meaning i can make a start to the science and hisory *go me* xD donedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedonedone. i'm sooooooo proud of myself for getting it all done, now i have nothing to do next library lesson so i can munch my way through a good chunk of my book *book-worm as i am* i have an awful habit of reading 1 or two books at the same time. not like...you know, actual same time just..yeah, i think you get it. i couldn't get back to sleep when i woke up at 7 ish this morning and didn't fancy getting up so i decided to re-read "where rainbows end" it's a sweet story and i love the way it's told through letters and emails and IM chats and texts and notes in class; it's brilliant. it's by ceceilia ahern and i love her writing style and think this is one of her best books. anyways, off to eat some chicken chow mein *oooooooooooh yeah* then get on with more h/w in prep for my day of leisure tomorrow *hazaaaaaaar* oooh, a phone call earlier really calmed me nerves, you know? i was a trembling bag o' nerves 'n' all but now i'm all calm 'n' tranquil like. tomorrow, tomorrow, i love you tomorrow, you're only a day away. i probably got that wrong, i don't know annie all that well, if you must know *oh, woe is me and such and all that jazz!*
And ALL.
THAT.
JAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZ!

I like the film version of chicago with catherine zeta jones and renné zelwegger in it, 'tis marvelous, glorious, triumphant, wonderous. gorgeous darlin', doncha know?

goodness.
^long PS or what?!