Saturday, 12 December 2009


So darn snide. Not one thing could leave his lips without being lined by some kind of jab. Yes he was my friends. Yes we shared some laughs but hell yes did we argue and some. mmm hmmm. Jamie. If you didn't know him like I did then you'd think him to be the sort of person that spoke without thinking but I was perfectly aware that with him it was infact the opposite. Jamie didn't say anything that wasn't premeditated, planned and perfectly putrid when he was miffed at you. He could be your best friend and with a change of the wind; the knife running along your wrist. Jamie.
He was succinct, to the point. Maybe that's why I trusted him. He might not do it in the kindest way but he'd always give me what I wanted; the truth.

You mean he simply proposed to you suddenly, even though you've hardly been seeing him and he's been with someone else.
Yes, I know what this is what you want, and I also know Nicole is a bitch. But that's hardly the point. You can't just rush into these things.
It's your choice, though. Don't really know what I can say to change your mind. You've never listened to me in the past.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but he wasn't seeing her, was he? Silly. As per the usual my wonderfully paranoid side had taken over, whenever I heard of Nicole I convinced myself that she was helping my Will after hours...with a lot more than the filing. Maybe she'd grown up a bit since our school days though.
When I was younger I was desperately jealous of Nicole; the golden girl who forever did everything infinitely better than I ever could have hoped to have done. She had her flaws but I don't think that she was a particularly bad person, she just didn't understand how to act sometimes. She'd speak out of turn and say the most stupidly hurtful things. She'd befriend you, make you trust her and then get those imaculately manicured claws of hers into your man. Not the Will's my man. Nor was he ever my man. But the fact remains the same that Nicole was not trustworthy. I had every right to be a little concerned when I knew that she'd started working at Will's company and fairly closely with him at that.
I "can't rush into these things"? What do you think I've been doing for the past few weeks?! I told Will that I'd think about it and I've done naught but run his words over and over in my mind. Allow his gentle voice to sail across the void between reality and my slumber. His mellow, soothing tones, as close to a smile as sound could ever be carressing me. No, I haven't rushed into anything.
I may have rushed into one or two situations when I was younger though. That's probably what Jamie had meant by his last remark; "you've never listened to me in the past". That wasn't entirely fair. I did listen to Jamie. Just not all of the time. Just not when it came to what guys would be good for me. Perhaps my ears did owe him more time than they offered but the past is in the past, as Fleetwood Mac once sang, "Yesterday is gone." and it, sure as chocolate can do wrong, (another of my Mum's sayings) ain't ever gonna come back.
That's why I'm scared. Scared. Something I've not admitted in a long time. Will and I have and always have had something that people have envied, something that's held us together even when we've been a couple thousand miles apart. I don't want to say "love". I don't want to because if I speak the spell then maybe it'll be broken. If I get together with Will and promise myself to him for better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health it would have to be forever. No one gets themselves into a relationship without at least the hope that it will last forever and so I'd said that I was absolutely in love with every one of my past boyfriends. Every last one of the ruthless bastards who'd claimed we were better off as friends. If I said that this was forever with Will then it would really have to be because if it went wrong then I don't think we could ever have back the past we'd known together. The yesterday of us would really be lost. Forever.
I do love him. I do but I'd prefer to have him forever as my friend than for a little while as something more and then lose him. I couldn't do that. To either of us.
For just a moment I fell away from the world; away from the trouble of writing out a list for groceries, remembering to pay a visit to my parents, callinging in sick to work like so many mondays I'd known before. I was with Will, I was five years old and lying in this arms cuddled up under his spiderman duvet on his teeny single bed with silly pigtails in my hair. Safe and warm. A comfort I don't think I've ever felt without Will. My best friend, better than any boyfriend.
The grandfather clock that had once belonged to my parents chimed softly, allowing me to drift smoothly out of my day dream. I gazed up towards the clock's ancient face but the arms were blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smudging freshly applied mascara down my cheeks, and swigged the last dregs of tea from my mug before getting up from the computer where I'd read Jamie's email and heading the kitchen to make myself a new cup. Just like so many mondays I'd known before.


mundooteh said...

I like it. My only criticism about the whole thing though is that there's not much plot. I mean, there's a load of reminiscence and sentimental stories... but no current stories. You get what I'm saying?

Like it a lot though.

Kaytei said...

i said pretty much the same to tommy on the phone!! right now i'm focusing on the charcters 'n' stuffle but i'm gonna mix things up soon :D