It's been almost two months. Two months and I've not heard one word from her sweet lips in all this time. When I was younger and I'd come home from a date with some pretty girl or other I'd ask my big brother how I could ever really know if I was in love. He told me that there are a few things which don't make much sense, they just sort of feel right. He said the first thing was speaking, it just happens. The second is walking when we're toddlers; just instinct. The third is love. There's not a finite formula to tell you when you've found something worth holding on to. You just know. There's no hesitation. No paranoia. No double glances or "I wonder.."s or "what if"s. Love just is.
Caitlyn had always been my life.
I hope she still is.
I don't know why it took me so long to see it for myself but one day I just woke up and realised that I wanted to spend every hour of my life with Caitlyn.
If she felt the same then wouldn't she be able to tell me?
If she loved me, if she wanted to be with me, surely she would know, wouldn't she have decided by now?
I find myself staring vacantly up at the off white ceiling of this room night after night. Things were so much easier when we were younger. I remember the night that we snuck into her tiny apartment as quietly as we could so as we didn't wake up her roomate, Hetty. We fell into bed, still fully clothed. I wrapped her in my arms and held her hands in mine, gently resting my head on her back, smiling as her pigtails tickled my face. Her hair smelt like almonds. Her skin like cinnamon. I held her close as her breathing slowed and grew deeper and her hands fell limp against mine. The strap of her dress slipped over her arm leaving her right shoulder bare. I kissed her naked skin and wished that I could live eternally in that moment; wishing that somehow this beautiful girl could be mine, wishing that I could be hers.
Two months. How could she love me when she's been hesitating for two months?
Maybe I should stop waiting for her, maybe I should talk to her again. Oh God. It's 3.56 in the morning, how did that happen? Can I call her now? I'll never sleep if I don't.