O...K...
Am I allowed to say that my heart stopped still for just a second and that the world ceased to turn momentarily and all of the other clichés related to events like this?!
I put the receiver onto the mattress and then with my newly-freed hand I pinch my other arm. Ow. No one told me how much that hurt! I am certainly awake though, I didn't by some miracle drift away into the safety of sleep...as if I could. I flex the now trembling fingers of my right hand and shake out the quivers before attempting to pick up the reciever again.
"Will..." Damn the figurative cat that's caught my tongue.
"Hiya Caitlyn, I'm sorry to wake you but-"
"Oh..erm...you didn't wake me; it's fine."
"It's seventeen minutes past four in the morning, what have been doing to keep you up all this time then?"
The edge to his tone curled with the suggestion that I'd been up to no good. He hasn't changed.
"I could ask you the same question, Mister, but knowing you...I'm not sure I'd care to here your answer..."
He gave just a taste of that low, rumbling chuckle of his which I adored so greatly.
"Fine...but really, I've never known you to lose your sleep over something that's not a big deal, honestly, what's wrong?"
"Hmm, sometimes I regret letting you know me so well. I don't know Will. It's nothing and...everything, I just don't know. I used to feel so sure of what I wanted to do and how I to choose to live my life; I used to know who I was. Now, I can look at the mirror and feel no recogntion for the stranger gaping back at me and each day she looks older and more tired; hagard even.
I broke off for a moment and cleared my throat, recovering from the breathlessness that my rant had conjured up within me.
"Haha, Will, what must I sound like, eh? I bet you didn't call up expecting a counselling session to be on your hands like this. Anyway, what are calling me up for at 4am?!" The feigned light-heartedness of my voice sounded as empty as the box of tissues when you really need to sneeze; even to me.
Will knows not to push it when I don't want to talk though.
"Er...well, it's just that...er, I was playing a game earlier tonight; trying to name all of the states in America and there's a couple that I can't for the life of me remember."
We both knew what it was that he was dowsey-dowing away from...the little matter of marriage."
" Aw Will, don't be so silly," I came close to getting serious, "...You know I'm no good at Geography." I was close but I'm not all that keen on smoking so no cigar. I could have kicked myself if I hadn't been lying down rather comfortably.
"Come on Caitlyn." It sounded as though he was pleading with me for a lot more than just the name of a state or two.
" Do you have Nebraska? Or Tenessee?"
"Yeah, I have those but don't worry, maybe it'll work itself it?"
He definitely wasn't talking about states any more...that was one thing I knew.
I sighed audibly down the phone, "Will-"
He interrupted, "Caitlyn, can I see you? Dinner? Or what about lunch, or even coffee and that's not even a date; unless you want it to be..."
He trailed off sounding as though embarrassment didn't even come close to how he was feeling right now. The naivety of believing that Will hadn't changed struck me. I'd known him as a hard-faced, shameless young man...he was never embarrassed, not even when he should have been. Like that time he went skinny-dipping at night, forgetting where he'd put his clothes. He was fifteen. Of course, he grinned and bared the ice cold wind that winter in Britain treats you to...as well as baring everything else. No, embarrassed didn't begin to come close to how he sounded at all.
"I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow."
"Do you me to come with you?"
"Actually, yeah, I could really use the company, thanks Will."
Gradually, seeing my parents had become harder and somehow more awkward than ever before. Having somebody with me who I could really talk to might make a nice change.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow then Caitlyn?"
"Yeah, I'll see you then, bye Will."
"Love you, Caitlyn."
"...I love you too."
As the call disconnected, I knew I mean it; I did love Will.
God, I asked for a miracle and whether it's just a coincidence or plain good luck...or You...well, thanks. Yeah, thank you, that was...decent.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Sunday, 10 January 2010
TORTURED INTENTIONS fifteen
(note from author: Last part of story was removed under unforeseen circumstances, edits have been made and shall be re posted at a later date. The continuation of this story will make sense with or without the last piece, however, re-reading CAN'T BUY SALVATION when it makes it's next appearance is advisable. love you as always. thanks.)
Edith dropped her bags and pulled at her hair, admitting defeat. She would not be taking the bus to work today after all. With her car refusing to start, the vindictive bus driver leaving her in the rain and her purse being far too empty to afford train fair; she trudged home and called in sick to work. She may not have been ill but another morning of staring vacantly at the telly screen as Jeremy Kyle ranted at another bout of guests made her feel sick of the life that she had. Edith wrote a list to affirm some short term goals, which upon accomplishing would make her existence a little more worthwhile.
1. Invest in an alarm clock...and decent shoes to run in.
2. Eat breakfast.
3. Do yoga.
4. Devote life to charity work...perhaps meet the queen and get an OBE for it...
5.
She stopped at number five. The lead in her pencil had snapped. The fifth item was mentally added to the list: buy a pencil sharpener...and don't lose it.
She heaved the Argos catalogue out from beneath the sofa where the long-forgotten gym equipment lived and was about to trawl through it in search of the perfect alarm clock. Then she realised that the guests on Jeremy Kyle's talk show were growing rather, entertainingly irate and opted instead to settle down with her cup of coffee and chocolate biscuits...the ones with caramel that she liked. The alarm clock could always wait; besides, her purse was far too empty to fund her fleeting fancies right now.
Caityln closed the book, marking her page with a discarded coaster...discarded for its ancient hot chocolate stain of initiation into her house, almost like a birth mark. She sighed, immersing herself in a wave of self pity; building and crashing more often now than she'd felt in quite a while. For the 8th night that week...hang on she pondered to herself...the first day of a new week, she'd found herself absorbed in a fiction book in place of the absence of her own dreams. Whenever Caitlyn's urge to evade the everyday of her own monotonous reality was particularly strong she would fall victim of her own psyche, strangled by a lack of sleep; sleep that helped her to forget her troubles. Tonight, Edith's hectic troubles weren't enough to keep her mind from stumbling back into the cold light of verity. She was drenched in the light, her skin prickling with the uncomfortable thought that she had been forgetting something.
Hattie.
It had been over two months, more than two months since Caitlyn had appealed to Hattie's better nature for a helping hand with her Will situation. She hadn't heard back from her. Who could possibly find themselves too busy to reply to a tiny email like that?
Hattie was so sweet; she and Caitlyn had been "close as thumb tacks" as Caitlyn's mum used to say. She always stood by Caitlyn's side, even when the others laughed. Maybe I should have been there for her when she needed me, instead of expecting her support when suddenly I find myself in a slight predicament. Another sigh swept over Caitlyn. Her gaze fell from the swirling, textured plaster of her ceiling and over to her bed side table where the photograph of her parents smiled back at her. I wish I'd have asked you for help when I had the chance, Mum and Dad. Although no one was around to see her, Caitlyn cursed at herself under her breath when the embarrassing threat of tears announced itself. She tugged the duvet over her head, pressing it tightly across her mouth. Oh god. She searched for the right thing to say, an appropiate question or plea, hoping that just maybe tonight would be the night that God might answer her prayers. All she wanted was to not be alone anymore.
As though calling her name the phone began to ring, it stirred her from the slumber she'd inevitably fallen in to.
"Hello?"
"..." A man cleared his throat, "Hi..it's Will."
Will.
Edith dropped her bags and pulled at her hair, admitting defeat. She would not be taking the bus to work today after all. With her car refusing to start, the vindictive bus driver leaving her in the rain and her purse being far too empty to afford train fair; she trudged home and called in sick to work. She may not have been ill but another morning of staring vacantly at the telly screen as Jeremy Kyle ranted at another bout of guests made her feel sick of the life that she had. Edith wrote a list to affirm some short term goals, which upon accomplishing would make her existence a little more worthwhile.
1. Invest in an alarm clock...and decent shoes to run in.
2. Eat breakfast.
3. Do yoga.
4. Devote life to charity work...perhaps meet the queen and get an OBE for it...
5.
She stopped at number five. The lead in her pencil had snapped. The fifth item was mentally added to the list: buy a pencil sharpener...and don't lose it.
She heaved the Argos catalogue out from beneath the sofa where the long-forgotten gym equipment lived and was about to trawl through it in search of the perfect alarm clock. Then she realised that the guests on Jeremy Kyle's talk show were growing rather, entertainingly irate and opted instead to settle down with her cup of coffee and chocolate biscuits...the ones with caramel that she liked. The alarm clock could always wait; besides, her purse was far too empty to fund her fleeting fancies right now.
Caityln closed the book, marking her page with a discarded coaster...discarded for its ancient hot chocolate stain of initiation into her house, almost like a birth mark. She sighed, immersing herself in a wave of self pity; building and crashing more often now than she'd felt in quite a while. For the 8th night that week...hang on she pondered to herself...the first day of a new week, she'd found herself absorbed in a fiction book in place of the absence of her own dreams. Whenever Caitlyn's urge to evade the everyday of her own monotonous reality was particularly strong she would fall victim of her own psyche, strangled by a lack of sleep; sleep that helped her to forget her troubles. Tonight, Edith's hectic troubles weren't enough to keep her mind from stumbling back into the cold light of verity. She was drenched in the light, her skin prickling with the uncomfortable thought that she had been forgetting something.
Hattie.
It had been over two months, more than two months since Caitlyn had appealed to Hattie's better nature for a helping hand with her Will situation. She hadn't heard back from her. Who could possibly find themselves too busy to reply to a tiny email like that?
Hattie was so sweet; she and Caitlyn had been "close as thumb tacks" as Caitlyn's mum used to say. She always stood by Caitlyn's side, even when the others laughed. Maybe I should have been there for her when she needed me, instead of expecting her support when suddenly I find myself in a slight predicament. Another sigh swept over Caitlyn. Her gaze fell from the swirling, textured plaster of her ceiling and over to her bed side table where the photograph of her parents smiled back at her. I wish I'd have asked you for help when I had the chance, Mum and Dad. Although no one was around to see her, Caitlyn cursed at herself under her breath when the embarrassing threat of tears announced itself. She tugged the duvet over her head, pressing it tightly across her mouth. Oh god. She searched for the right thing to say, an appropiate question or plea, hoping that just maybe tonight would be the night that God might answer her prayers. All she wanted was to not be alone anymore.
As though calling her name the phone began to ring, it stirred her from the slumber she'd inevitably fallen in to.
"Hello?"
"..." A man cleared his throat, "Hi..it's Will."
Will.
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
TAKE MY HAND thirteen
It's been almost two months. Two months and I've not heard one word from her sweet lips in all this time. When I was younger and I'd come home from a date with some pretty girl or other I'd ask my big brother how I could ever really know if I was in love. He told me that there are a few things which don't make much sense, they just sort of feel right. He said the first thing was speaking, it just happens. The second is walking when we're toddlers; just instinct. The third is love. There's not a finite formula to tell you when you've found something worth holding on to. You just know. There's no hesitation. No paranoia. No double glances or "I wonder.."s or "what if"s. Love just is.
Caitlyn had always been my life.
I hope she still is.
I don't know why it took me so long to see it for myself but one day I just woke up and realised that I wanted to spend every hour of my life with Caitlyn.
If she felt the same then wouldn't she be able to tell me?
If she loved me, if she wanted to be with me, surely she would know, wouldn't she have decided by now?
I find myself staring vacantly up at the off white ceiling of this room night after night. Things were so much easier when we were younger. I remember the night that we snuck into her tiny apartment as quietly as we could so as we didn't wake up her roomate, Hetty. We fell into bed, still fully clothed. I wrapped her in my arms and held her hands in mine, gently resting my head on her back, smiling as her pigtails tickled my face. Her hair smelt like almonds. Her skin like cinnamon. I held her close as her breathing slowed and grew deeper and her hands fell limp against mine. The strap of her dress slipped over her arm leaving her right shoulder bare. I kissed her naked skin and wished that I could live eternally in that moment; wishing that somehow this beautiful girl could be mine, wishing that I could be hers.
Two months. How could she love me when she's been hesitating for two months?
Maybe I should stop waiting for her, maybe I should talk to her again. Oh God. It's 3.56 in the morning, how did that happen? Can I call her now? I'll never sleep if I don't.
Caitlyn had always been my life.
I hope she still is.
I don't know why it took me so long to see it for myself but one day I just woke up and realised that I wanted to spend every hour of my life with Caitlyn.
If she felt the same then wouldn't she be able to tell me?
If she loved me, if she wanted to be with me, surely she would know, wouldn't she have decided by now?
I find myself staring vacantly up at the off white ceiling of this room night after night. Things were so much easier when we were younger. I remember the night that we snuck into her tiny apartment as quietly as we could so as we didn't wake up her roomate, Hetty. We fell into bed, still fully clothed. I wrapped her in my arms and held her hands in mine, gently resting my head on her back, smiling as her pigtails tickled my face. Her hair smelt like almonds. Her skin like cinnamon. I held her close as her breathing slowed and grew deeper and her hands fell limp against mine. The strap of her dress slipped over her arm leaving her right shoulder bare. I kissed her naked skin and wished that I could live eternally in that moment; wishing that somehow this beautiful girl could be mine, wishing that I could be hers.
Two months. How could she love me when she's been hesitating for two months?
Maybe I should stop waiting for her, maybe I should talk to her again. Oh God. It's 3.56 in the morning, how did that happen? Can I call her now? I'll never sleep if I don't.
TAKE THE GUN FROM MY HAND AND PUT IT TO MY HEAD twelve
Finally. I raised an eyebrow at my computer's screen as my messenger alerted me to a new email in my inbox. Elin certainly took her time when it came to helping me. Oh well, I guess it's always been her way really but she's always come through for me. I tugged my unruly hair back into something which half resembled a chinon and then brushed the loose strands of hair which usually tickled my face behind my ears. Then I opened her message.
Hi Caitlyn.
Plus.... just calm the fuck down.
And think rationally.
... You calm yet? Good.
Nicole's a slut. I thought you knew that from the start. Will could never have liked a whore like her.
Just, ask yourself. Do you really imagine yourself being with Will and no one else for the rest of your life? If the answer's yes, then go for it. Just... remember not to get too caught up.
And if this is some shitty prank, I will drive over to your house in the dead of night and skin you alive and rip your hair out of your pretty little head and plait it and use it as a dog lead.
Capiche?
x
I found myself chuckling aloud for the first time in a while. My happy laughter bouncing about the empty study; only to knock me with its eerie reverberations. Happiness is fleeting but somehow darkness has the inate ability to cling onto you and suck your life away until you're limp and alone. But for the time, a short time at least, I was happy.
I read over the email...liar, she doesn't even have a dog. My eyes smiled appreciatively at her silly, cynical joke. It reminded me of all of the years I'd spent messing around with Elin when we were both younger. It felt like a lifetime ago. I suppose that for Elin it was a lifetime ago. I'd barely seen her since she'd had her baby. She always said that she had no inclination to have kids but then she'd met the right man and I guess she just changed her mind. Jean-Luc was always so good to her, I'm glad now that she ended up marrying him and they really did make a beautiful child. Her name's Alison. I was angry when I first found out though. I wanted marriage and kids. Not her. I've got a crappy part time job and not a lot else whilst she has everything that I want. I never was any good at coping with this stupid envy of mine, you know? Still, we're friends again now. We never officially stopped being friends exactly, I was just awkward about spending time with her since all the time I was with her I was wishing that I could trade lives. Although that wouldn't have been much of a fair deal would it? So, despite myself, I realised that I was just happy that she was living a good life and eventually, I would find my own fairytale.
Now I have a Prince Charming asking for my hand in marriage but this stupid damsel's so distressed that she can't make up her silly mind.
I pulled my hair down again and twiddled with the tendrils around my fingers. A habit of twenty-seven years is hard to break and somehow, messing up my already messy hair sort of helped my decisions to form in my mind better than usual. Well, sometimes it felt like that anyway.
I thought again about Elin's words. If I want to have Will as my life forever and ever then I should go for it but don't get too caught up. Will already is my life. He's my entire life. I haven't got anything else. I have some fairly close friends but no one quite like William Vale.
Hi Caitlyn.
Plus.... just calm the fuck down.
And think rationally.
... You calm yet? Good.
Nicole's a slut. I thought you knew that from the start. Will could never have liked a whore like her.
Just, ask yourself. Do you really imagine yourself being with Will and no one else for the rest of your life? If the answer's yes, then go for it. Just... remember not to get too caught up.
And if this is some shitty prank, I will drive over to your house in the dead of night and skin you alive and rip your hair out of your pretty little head and plait it and use it as a dog lead.
Capiche?
x
I found myself chuckling aloud for the first time in a while. My happy laughter bouncing about the empty study; only to knock me with its eerie reverberations. Happiness is fleeting but somehow darkness has the inate ability to cling onto you and suck your life away until you're limp and alone. But for the time, a short time at least, I was happy.
I read over the email...liar, she doesn't even have a dog. My eyes smiled appreciatively at her silly, cynical joke. It reminded me of all of the years I'd spent messing around with Elin when we were both younger. It felt like a lifetime ago. I suppose that for Elin it was a lifetime ago. I'd barely seen her since she'd had her baby. She always said that she had no inclination to have kids but then she'd met the right man and I guess she just changed her mind. Jean-Luc was always so good to her, I'm glad now that she ended up marrying him and they really did make a beautiful child. Her name's Alison. I was angry when I first found out though. I wanted marriage and kids. Not her. I've got a crappy part time job and not a lot else whilst she has everything that I want. I never was any good at coping with this stupid envy of mine, you know? Still, we're friends again now. We never officially stopped being friends exactly, I was just awkward about spending time with her since all the time I was with her I was wishing that I could trade lives. Although that wouldn't have been much of a fair deal would it? So, despite myself, I realised that I was just happy that she was living a good life and eventually, I would find my own fairytale.
Now I have a Prince Charming asking for my hand in marriage but this stupid damsel's so distressed that she can't make up her silly mind.
I pulled my hair down again and twiddled with the tendrils around my fingers. A habit of twenty-seven years is hard to break and somehow, messing up my already messy hair sort of helped my decisions to form in my mind better than usual. Well, sometimes it felt like that anyway.
I thought again about Elin's words. If I want to have Will as my life forever and ever then I should go for it but don't get too caught up. Will already is my life. He's my entire life. I haven't got anything else. I have some fairly close friends but no one quite like William Vale.
Saturday, 12 December 2009
STARE STRAIGHT THROUGH ME eleven
So darn snide. Not one thing could leave his lips without being lined by some kind of jab. Yes he was my friends. Yes we shared some laughs but hell yes did we argue and some. mmm hmmm. Jamie. If you didn't know him like I did then you'd think him to be the sort of person that spoke without thinking but I was perfectly aware that with him it was infact the opposite. Jamie didn't say anything that wasn't premeditated, planned and perfectly putrid when he was miffed at you. He could be your best friend and with a change of the wind; the knife running along your wrist. Jamie.
He was succinct, to the point. Maybe that's why I trusted him. He might not do it in the kindest way but he'd always give me what I wanted; the truth.
You mean he simply proposed to you suddenly, even though you've hardly been seeing him and he's been with someone else.
Yes, I know what this is what you want, and I also know Nicole is a bitch. But that's hardly the point. You can't just rush into these things.
It's your choice, though. Don't really know what I can say to change your mind. You've never listened to me in the past.
Jamie.
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but he wasn't seeing her, was he? Silly. As per the usual my wonderfully paranoid side had taken over, whenever I heard of Nicole I convinced myself that she was helping my Will after hours...with a lot more than the filing. Maybe she'd grown up a bit since our school days though.
When I was younger I was desperately jealous of Nicole; the golden girl who forever did everything infinitely better than I ever could have hoped to have done. She had her flaws but I don't think that she was a particularly bad person, she just didn't understand how to act sometimes. She'd speak out of turn and say the most stupidly hurtful things. She'd befriend you, make you trust her and then get those imaculately manicured claws of hers into your man. Not the Will's my man. Nor was he ever my man. But the fact remains the same that Nicole was not trustworthy. I had every right to be a little concerned when I knew that she'd started working at Will's company and fairly closely with him at that.
I "can't rush into these things"? What do you think I've been doing for the past few weeks?! I told Will that I'd think about it and I've done naught but run his words over and over in my mind. Allow his gentle voice to sail across the void between reality and my slumber. His mellow, soothing tones, as close to a smile as sound could ever be carressing me. No, I haven't rushed into anything.
I may have rushed into one or two situations when I was younger though. That's probably what Jamie had meant by his last remark; "you've never listened to me in the past". That wasn't entirely fair. I did listen to Jamie. Just not all of the time. Just not when it came to what guys would be good for me. Perhaps my ears did owe him more time than they offered but the past is in the past, as Fleetwood Mac once sang, "Yesterday is gone." and it, sure as chocolate can do wrong, (another of my Mum's sayings) ain't ever gonna come back.
That's why I'm scared. Scared. Something I've not admitted in a long time. Will and I have and always have had something that people have envied, something that's held us together even when we've been a couple thousand miles apart. I don't want to say "love". I don't want to because if I speak the spell then maybe it'll be broken. If I get together with Will and promise myself to him for better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health it would have to be forever. No one gets themselves into a relationship without at least the hope that it will last forever and so I'd said that I was absolutely in love with every one of my past boyfriends. Every last one of the ruthless bastards who'd claimed we were better off as friends. If I said that this was forever with Will then it would really have to be because if it went wrong then I don't think we could ever have back the past we'd known together. The yesterday of us would really be lost. Forever.
I do love him. I do but I'd prefer to have him forever as my friend than for a little while as something more and then lose him. I couldn't do that. To either of us.
For just a moment I fell away from the world; away from the trouble of writing out a list for groceries, remembering to pay a visit to my parents, callinging in sick to work like so many mondays I'd known before. I was with Will, I was five years old and lying in this arms cuddled up under his spiderman duvet on his teeny single bed with silly pigtails in my hair. Safe and warm. A comfort I don't think I've ever felt without Will. My best friend, better than any boyfriend.
The grandfather clock that had once belonged to my parents chimed softly, allowing me to drift smoothly out of my day dream. I gazed up towards the clock's ancient face but the arms were blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smudging freshly applied mascara down my cheeks, and swigged the last dregs of tea from my mug before getting up from the computer where I'd read Jamie's email and heading the kitchen to make myself a new cup. Just like so many mondays I'd known before.
He was succinct, to the point. Maybe that's why I trusted him. He might not do it in the kindest way but he'd always give me what I wanted; the truth.
You mean he simply proposed to you suddenly, even though you've hardly been seeing him and he's been with someone else.
Yes, I know what this is what you want, and I also know Nicole is a bitch. But that's hardly the point. You can't just rush into these things.
It's your choice, though. Don't really know what I can say to change your mind. You've never listened to me in the past.
Jamie.
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, but he wasn't seeing her, was he? Silly. As per the usual my wonderfully paranoid side had taken over, whenever I heard of Nicole I convinced myself that she was helping my Will after hours...with a lot more than the filing. Maybe she'd grown up a bit since our school days though.
When I was younger I was desperately jealous of Nicole; the golden girl who forever did everything infinitely better than I ever could have hoped to have done. She had her flaws but I don't think that she was a particularly bad person, she just didn't understand how to act sometimes. She'd speak out of turn and say the most stupidly hurtful things. She'd befriend you, make you trust her and then get those imaculately manicured claws of hers into your man. Not the Will's my man. Nor was he ever my man. But the fact remains the same that Nicole was not trustworthy. I had every right to be a little concerned when I knew that she'd started working at Will's company and fairly closely with him at that.
I "can't rush into these things"? What do you think I've been doing for the past few weeks?! I told Will that I'd think about it and I've done naught but run his words over and over in my mind. Allow his gentle voice to sail across the void between reality and my slumber. His mellow, soothing tones, as close to a smile as sound could ever be carressing me. No, I haven't rushed into anything.
I may have rushed into one or two situations when I was younger though. That's probably what Jamie had meant by his last remark; "you've never listened to me in the past". That wasn't entirely fair. I did listen to Jamie. Just not all of the time. Just not when it came to what guys would be good for me. Perhaps my ears did owe him more time than they offered but the past is in the past, as Fleetwood Mac once sang, "Yesterday is gone." and it, sure as chocolate can do wrong, (another of my Mum's sayings) ain't ever gonna come back.
That's why I'm scared. Scared. Something I've not admitted in a long time. Will and I have and always have had something that people have envied, something that's held us together even when we've been a couple thousand miles apart. I don't want to say "love". I don't want to because if I speak the spell then maybe it'll be broken. If I get together with Will and promise myself to him for better and worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health it would have to be forever. No one gets themselves into a relationship without at least the hope that it will last forever and so I'd said that I was absolutely in love with every one of my past boyfriends. Every last one of the ruthless bastards who'd claimed we were better off as friends. If I said that this was forever with Will then it would really have to be because if it went wrong then I don't think we could ever have back the past we'd known together. The yesterday of us would really be lost. Forever.
I do love him. I do but I'd prefer to have him forever as my friend than for a little while as something more and then lose him. I couldn't do that. To either of us.
For just a moment I fell away from the world; away from the trouble of writing out a list for groceries, remembering to pay a visit to my parents, callinging in sick to work like so many mondays I'd known before. I was with Will, I was five years old and lying in this arms cuddled up under his spiderman duvet on his teeny single bed with silly pigtails in my hair. Safe and warm. A comfort I don't think I've ever felt without Will. My best friend, better than any boyfriend.
The grandfather clock that had once belonged to my parents chimed softly, allowing me to drift smoothly out of my day dream. I gazed up towards the clock's ancient face but the arms were blurred. I wiped the tears from my eyes, smudging freshly applied mascara down my cheeks, and swigged the last dregs of tea from my mug before getting up from the computer where I'd read Jamie's email and heading the kitchen to make myself a new cup. Just like so many mondays I'd known before.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
BLOOD IN MY VEINS AND BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS ten
Sometimes chaotic craziness just makes feel as though you could tear your own heart out but other times insanity can make you feel a little better. That's how Laurence was for me. He was utterly mad but his peculiar yet lovely remarks always manage to give me some kind of perspective on what really matters. Right from when I was young....not that twenty seven isn't young but 13 is a lot younger...he came out with the most hilarious comments which would kind of wash away whatever I was making myself get down about.
I was a mixed up teenager. Not troubled per se but far from perfect. I'd hold every little annoying thing inside of me until I couldn't bare it and it would take just one more of these pesky little things to drive me over the edge. Instead of screaming I'd cry. I hated people seeing me with tears on my face so I I haven't cried in public for 12 years. Now no one sees the vulnerable side of me.
I could be beating myself up for having missed the bus or wearing the wrong shoes or being caught nonplussed in the middle of a rain scattering without a brolly but then into my day would stride Laurence with those wonderfully wacky questions of his,
"Hey Caitlyn...what underwear are you wearing?"
I'd pretend to be really rather vexed by his invasive inquisition but beneath my pissed-off bravado-facade I found it hysterical. Somehow, the little giggles he provided me with were enough to give me a metaphorical slap around the face which reminded me that things weren't all that bad. Yup, Laurence was a very good friend. So, although I had seen him be serious...on occasion...I wasn't surprised when his reply reached me,
Hahahahaha! I will eat you!
mmm hmmm. Laurence the cannibal. Lovely. His comment did make me think though...why am I stressing about this so much? It's not as though it's a bad thing. Will and I always joked about getting married when we were younger and I always found myself rather attracted to him but this was different. This meant that I'd have to start being responsible. I'd really be an adult.
I was a mixed up teenager. Not troubled per se but far from perfect. I'd hold every little annoying thing inside of me until I couldn't bare it and it would take just one more of these pesky little things to drive me over the edge. Instead of screaming I'd cry. I hated people seeing me with tears on my face so I I haven't cried in public for 12 years. Now no one sees the vulnerable side of me.
I could be beating myself up for having missed the bus or wearing the wrong shoes or being caught nonplussed in the middle of a rain scattering without a brolly but then into my day would stride Laurence with those wonderfully wacky questions of his,
"Hey Caitlyn...what underwear are you wearing?"
I'd pretend to be really rather vexed by his invasive inquisition but beneath my pissed-off bravado-facade I found it hysterical. Somehow, the little giggles he provided me with were enough to give me a metaphorical slap around the face which reminded me that things weren't all that bad. Yup, Laurence was a very good friend. So, although I had seen him be serious...on occasion...I wasn't surprised when his reply reached me,
Hahahahaha! I will eat you!
mmm hmmm. Laurence the cannibal. Lovely. His comment did make me think though...why am I stressing about this so much? It's not as though it's a bad thing. Will and I always joked about getting married when we were younger and I always found myself rather attracted to him but this was different. This meant that I'd have to start being responsible. I'd really be an adult.
Saturday, 28 November 2009
SO SAVAGELY SWEET nine
I didn't have the energy to tell you the story concerning Richard, far too many long island iced teas, a dance competition....and Tommy. I still don't feel particularly enthusiastic to disclose it now but Tommy's reply to my email appears to be signposting me in that direction. Lucky me.
to caitlyn, bad luck, pal!
i heard they were geting wedded. an awful match, if u ask me. gosh, can u imagine what their children would look like? holy shit...it makes me want 2 cry, it really does. but seriously, nicole's a bitch. reminds me of someone from my old school, though, oddly enough. can't possible say why...what was his name? but anyway, i'm rambling agen. soz. u know, coffee goes as cheap as a kitkat down here in california, it gets 2 ur head. probs not helping, am i? well, u asked for my advice, here it is. if u really love him like we all think u do, then you've got to tell him. before the wedding, preferably. (Seriously, if you stand up in the middle of the wedding and seronade him, I'm calling social services) (Oh, and don't bloody tell him on his aniversary. or his honeymoon, either...jesus christ)...you know, you should probably tell him right now. face 2 face. call him, make the arangements, meet him in town or something. then empty your heart on him. tell him how you feel about him, that's everything, and then see his responce. better he at least knows. if he ditches Barbie-Bitch and takes you, then all's solved. if he tells you a no....well. at least you know you tried. better to at least give it one last shot. u can't go down without a fight, caitlyn! remember what i taught you? in amsterdam last year? (i still can't believe you won that dance-off)...anyway. remember these words of wisdom! Many a man has fallen for a woman in a light so dim he wouldn't have chosen a suit by it...Uhm...if you reverse the roles slightly, i think you get the message. make sure you're certain before u take action. consider it, long and long and hard and hard! That's all from me, i need more coffee. cheers, and good luck.
Amsterdam. Damn them. Richard poured drinks in me whilst Tommy convinced me that I was Ginger Rogers reincarnated. It was our gap year and thanks to all of the late nights and copious abundance of alcoholic beverages (cheers again, Richard!) I now have rather a large gap in what I'm able to remember from that year. I'd always been keen on dancing but preferably on my own or in the dark where no one can see what goes on when my hips start shaking and my feet start tapping to the crazy tunes the DJ's bang out.
I was spinning and kicking and throwing my arms all over the place and as if that wasn't already bad enough, the drinks kept flowing and the music grew louder in an attempt to drown out the cheering the the on lookers spectating the dance contest. I say dance contest but really...well...
I decided to climb up onto the bar which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in 4 inch stilettos and I skin tight mini skirt but it was not my fault. It was Richard and Tommy's faults. I slipped on a drink spillage on the bar and landed on a martini glass...I still have to scar from where the broken glass slashed my skin. I had to go into A&E but the club's owner gave me the title of Dancing Queen of that night. I had won. Oh yes. Although...I do have a slight tinge of the beginning of a sneaking suspicion that this was merely to stop me from suing.
I still won.
Maybe I drank more than one bottle of wine the night that I'd written the email to me friends...Tommy seemed to have gotten the wrong end of the stick about Will's wedding plans just as Caroline had. That wasn't as surprising as his new location in the world though. Throughout school he'd talked about moving over to California and once he'd left he'd gone travelling with a girl I used to know from when I was younger...I can't quite remember her name but I'm glad they ended up together, everybody always said that they were marriage material for each other. Gosh, what was she called? Karen, Kassie...Kayleigh? I dunno...something like that anyway...
I'm still mad at Tommy for the dance contest all those years ago but he did hold my hand when I stayed over night at the hospital getting my thigh stitched up and he did offer to kiss the scar better but I told him that it was quite high up on my thigh and that that would have been a little inappropriate. He's always been a sweetie though. He's over in America trying to persue his acting carreer right now, he's been in soap operas and dramas but he's really looking to find himself a big break now in a movie...preferably opposite some gorgeous girl.
he'd gotten his wires a tidbit crossed in his reply but he'd heard that Will was getting together with Nicole as well...so it couldn't have just been me overreacting then. I'd really, genuinely found myself convinced that Nicole was once again marking Will as her territory like the bitch she was, maybe I should have just spoken to Will like a grown up instead of coming to my own conclusions from rumours.
His reply forced me to think. Everybody knows how much i despise thinking for myself.
I love Will. The more I think of it the more obvious it seems to me that I should already have made up my mind about his proposal.
They always say that when you're in love you just know. So why am I still so unsure about all of this?
to caitlyn, bad luck, pal!
i heard they were geting wedded. an awful match, if u ask me. gosh, can u imagine what their children would look like? holy shit...it makes me want 2 cry, it really does. but seriously, nicole's a bitch. reminds me of someone from my old school, though, oddly enough. can't possible say why...what was his name? but anyway, i'm rambling agen. soz. u know, coffee goes as cheap as a kitkat down here in california, it gets 2 ur head. probs not helping, am i? well, u asked for my advice, here it is. if u really love him like we all think u do, then you've got to tell him. before the wedding, preferably. (Seriously, if you stand up in the middle of the wedding and seronade him, I'm calling social services) (Oh, and don't bloody tell him on his aniversary. or his honeymoon, either...jesus christ)...you know, you should probably tell him right now. face 2 face. call him, make the arangements, meet him in town or something. then empty your heart on him. tell him how you feel about him, that's everything, and then see his responce. better he at least knows. if he ditches Barbie-Bitch and takes you, then all's solved. if he tells you a no....well. at least you know you tried. better to at least give it one last shot. u can't go down without a fight, caitlyn! remember what i taught you? in amsterdam last year? (i still can't believe you won that dance-off)...anyway. remember these words of wisdom! Many a man has fallen for a woman in a light so dim he wouldn't have chosen a suit by it...Uhm...if you reverse the roles slightly, i think you get the message. make sure you're certain before u take action. consider it, long and long and hard and hard! That's all from me, i need more coffee. cheers, and good luck.
Amsterdam. Damn them. Richard poured drinks in me whilst Tommy convinced me that I was Ginger Rogers reincarnated. It was our gap year and thanks to all of the late nights and copious abundance of alcoholic beverages (cheers again, Richard!) I now have rather a large gap in what I'm able to remember from that year. I'd always been keen on dancing but preferably on my own or in the dark where no one can see what goes on when my hips start shaking and my feet start tapping to the crazy tunes the DJ's bang out.
I was spinning and kicking and throwing my arms all over the place and as if that wasn't already bad enough, the drinks kept flowing and the music grew louder in an attempt to drown out the cheering the the on lookers spectating the dance contest. I say dance contest but really...well...
I decided to climb up onto the bar which in hindsight probably wasn't the smartest thing to do in 4 inch stilettos and I skin tight mini skirt but it was not my fault. It was Richard and Tommy's faults. I slipped on a drink spillage on the bar and landed on a martini glass...I still have to scar from where the broken glass slashed my skin. I had to go into A&E but the club's owner gave me the title of Dancing Queen of that night. I had won. Oh yes. Although...I do have a slight tinge of the beginning of a sneaking suspicion that this was merely to stop me from suing.
I still won.
Maybe I drank more than one bottle of wine the night that I'd written the email to me friends...Tommy seemed to have gotten the wrong end of the stick about Will's wedding plans just as Caroline had. That wasn't as surprising as his new location in the world though. Throughout school he'd talked about moving over to California and once he'd left he'd gone travelling with a girl I used to know from when I was younger...I can't quite remember her name but I'm glad they ended up together, everybody always said that they were marriage material for each other. Gosh, what was she called? Karen, Kassie...Kayleigh? I dunno...something like that anyway...
I'm still mad at Tommy for the dance contest all those years ago but he did hold my hand when I stayed over night at the hospital getting my thigh stitched up and he did offer to kiss the scar better but I told him that it was quite high up on my thigh and that that would have been a little inappropriate. He's always been a sweetie though. He's over in America trying to persue his acting carreer right now, he's been in soap operas and dramas but he's really looking to find himself a big break now in a movie...preferably opposite some gorgeous girl.
he'd gotten his wires a tidbit crossed in his reply but he'd heard that Will was getting together with Nicole as well...so it couldn't have just been me overreacting then. I'd really, genuinely found myself convinced that Nicole was once again marking Will as her territory like the bitch she was, maybe I should have just spoken to Will like a grown up instead of coming to my own conclusions from rumours.
His reply forced me to think. Everybody knows how much i despise thinking for myself.
I love Will. The more I think of it the more obvious it seems to me that I should already have made up my mind about his proposal.
They always say that when you're in love you just know. So why am I still so unsure about all of this?
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